Chapter 1

The sound of waves crashing against the shoreline, a soothing sound for most, echoed in the night as Kate and Tina stood on the beach facing one another. The sound seemed to resemble the mood between them, turbulent and uncertain, just like the dark water that came crashing down on the sand near their feet.

“We can either talk about the phone call or pretend it didn’t happen,” Kate said to break the silence that fell between the two women.

Seeing Tina shivering from the cool night air, Kate draped her coat over Tina’s shoulders with a smile on her face. Tina was thankful and smiled back, already feeling herself wrapped in the warmth of Kate’s coat.

“And if I chose to pretend it didn’t happen?” Tina hesitantly asked pulling the coat tighter around her body.

“It will still catch up to you regardless,” Kate said. “Tina, I like you. A lot to still be here when you so obviously are hung up on your ex. I just want you to be happy, above anything else, and I’m a big enough girl to know that I may not be it. Even if that’s what I so desperately want.”

“Kate…”

“I haven’t been secretive about my feelings for you,” Kate continued not allowing Tina the luxury of interrupting her thought process. “I’m just not sure what I have to do to move forward with them.”

“You don’t need to do anything, it’s obviously me that has the issue. You’re amazing, and anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“But it’s not enough?”

“I didn’t say that,” Tina shot back unsure of her feelings at the moment. “I’m just afraid of saying the wrong thing to you. I’m afraid of moving in any direction because I’m just so damn confused.”

“And moving in a direction is essentially making a decision you aren’t ready to make?”

Tina smiled at Kate’s complete understanding of her feelings. It wasn’t that she had shared them in detail with her, but from the moment she sat down to discuss Lez Girls with Kate they had made a connection that neither could deny.

“I don’t want to push you,” Kate said quietly breaking into Tina’s thoughts. “Choose the road that makes you happy. I know I said that I wouldn’t stay on the market long, but that was me licking my wounds. This is now me being me with no pretense. I want to be with you.”

Tina felt her breath catch in her throat, but whether Kate noticed or not, she wasn’t sure. For so long she had wanted someone to desire her, to make her feel like she was attractive, give her back the confidence that Bette’s affair had shattered. Tina inwardly cringed as she thought back to the attempts she made at getting that confidence back.

First there was Helena, not that the relationship was disastrous, but it was a far cry from what she had experienced with Bette. She tolerated the relationship by constantly reminding herself that it was Bette that had cheated on her, so to hold that relationship on a pedestal was a futile effort.

Tina had broken her own rule, ignoring her inner voice, and reconciling with Bette before Angelica was born. They had made little effort to work on their issues, and it manifested itself when the animosity overwhelmed them and they destroyed their relationship quickly.

Tina scolded herself, even in present day, that it took attempting a relationship with Henry to show her that she truly wanted a woman and one that would treat her as an equal. She had made attempts, some blatant, to communicate with Bette that she wanted to try once again with her. The attempts ranged in type, at times she would come right out and tell Bette she made a mistake and would pick Bette’s controlling ways over Henry, and other times she merely supported her and complimented her when an occasion allowed her to do so.

Tina blinked when Kate’s voice broke into her thoughts.

“Until you decide what you want, we’ll keep it purely professional, and may the best woman win.”

Tina stood in the sand, blocking out the sound of the waves behind her, watching Kate walk the short distance to Catherine’s house before disappearing into the night. She held onto the coat, as if it would provide shelter from the chaos raging in Tina’s mind regarding her feelings for both Kate and Bette. The wind picked up and Tina closed her eyes as Kate’s perfume, obviously from her coat, whirled around Tina’s nose and assaulted her senses. Tina wasn’t sure if the shivers that ran down her spine were due to the cold or from the images that Kate’s scent brought to mind of the woman herself.

Tina sighed, and finally gave into the urge to sit and watch the waves hit the sand, instead of rejoining the party. She sat cross-legged in the sand, twirling her empty beer bottle against one leg. Tina continued to allow Kate’s words to echo in her head, so much so that she didn’t hear her friend approach her from behind.

“Corona for your thoughts”

Tina turned at the sound of the husky voiced offer to find Shane standing beside her, extending a fresh beer.

“Thanks, it certainly is better than a penny,” Tina replied, taking the offered beer and gesturing for Shane to join her.

“Inflation,” Shane grinned, settling on the sand beside her friend.

The two sat in amiable silence for several minutes, sipping their beers and staring out at the ocean.

“Uh, Tina,” Shane broke the silence, “You do understand the basics of capitalism, right?”

“I believe so,” Tina replied.

“Well,” Shane continued, “I gave you the beer. So…”

“Oh, my thoughts.”

“That was the deal.” Shane leaned forward, pressing a random pattern of circles into the sand with the bottom of her beer bottle while allowing Tina time to formulate her answer.

“Messy,” Tina finally offered. “Just fucking messy.”

“Your thoughts?”

“My life.”

“Ahhhh. Yeah, it is a nasty bitch sometimes.”

Shane leaned back on her elbows, stretching her legs in front of her.

“I just… God, how did we get here?”

“Does it matter?”

“How can it not?” Tina turned to Shane, frowning as she tried to follow her meaning.

“Well, you can sit here putting all of your energy into how you got here, which can’t be changed. Or you can put your energy into where you want to be.”

Tina sat for a moment, absorbing Shane’s words. “Funny,” she grinned, “You don’t look like a little pointy eared Jedi master.”

“Nope. He was a much better dresser,” Shane chuckled before leaning over to nudge her friend.

Tina laughed as Shane rose, brushing sand from her jeans.

“You heading out?”

“Yeah, we told the sitter we’d be home by midnight. If you need to talk, you know where to find me.”

Shane leaned down and kissed the top of Tina’s head.

“Thanks,” Tina replied gently as she turned to watch Shane head up the beach. Taking a deep breath, Tina leaned back in the sand, staring up at the stars.

“Where do I want to be?”

Closing her eyes for a moment, she shook her head before gathering her bottles and standing to follow Shane’s path back toward Catherine’s house.

Although it was well into the morning hours, Bette was still wide awake frustrated at her inability to sleep. She flipped over on her back once more, groaning as she stared at the clock that reflected 2:15 am in bright red.

“Fuck,” Bette muttered as she ran one of her hands through her hair before settling it behind her head staring at the ceiling. “I hate hotel beds.”

She mentally chastised herself, knowing full well that her insomnia had nothing to do with the perfectly comfortable bed and everything to do with the earlier phone conversation she had with Tina.

“Ugh!”

Bette huffed and sat up, leaning against the headboard, and turning on the dim lamp that was perched beside the bed on a nightstand. The light revealed the nightstand also held a pad of paper, her Blackberry, and a wallet-sized picture of Angelica that always accompanied her when she traveled.

Bette picked up the pad of paper on which she had scribbled the researched details of Jodi’s project. It hadn’t taken her long to determine the location where Jodi was working and the directions on how to get there from her hotel. Also on the pad of paper was the name and number of the man she had rented a tractor from in an effort to haul the sign to the project site.

“A big, out of the box gesture,” Bette muttered. “How did this get so damn complicated?”

She leaned her head back against the hard headboard as she heard Tina’s words echoing in her mind.

“Anything for another chance,” Tina had said. “I’m not afraid to make a fool of myself.”

“I am,” Bette muttered to herself.

Bette got up and began to pace the length of her room before she stopped in front of the mini-bar and poured herself a small amount of scotch in a crystal glass. She thought back to the kiss she had shared with Tina prior to coming to New York. What was meant as a simple goodbye kiss could have turned into an explosive moment, she couldn’t deny the chemistry that was still ever present between them.

Although Bette quickly downed the scotch, it did nothing to calm her nerves or clear her head. She closed her eyes as she remembered Tina telling her that she had met her match in Jodi, that both were dominant women that challenged each other. The thought quickly crossed Bette’s mind that a relationship, in the early stages, should have more moments that come easy than not. Yet, as she looked back at her relationship with Jodi, there were more moments of conflict than the easy ones she desired.

“If it came easy,” Bette heard in her head. “It wouldn’t be worth it. Anything that is worth it requires a fight to appreciate it.”

Bette laid back down on the bed and mindlessly scribbled her thoughts on the paper before her. She had used the technique time and time again, writing down her thoughts to purge her mind so she could rest. She chuckled as she saw the first bold sentence on the page.

“Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.”

The simple quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald was one that always stuck in Bette’s mind when she was in pursuit of a goal.

Bette began to scribble her thoughts down, without censoring, and fought the urge to organize them as she wrote. The process was simple, she had to allow her thoughts to flow directly from her mind to the paper if the exercise was going to be successful. Her hand gripped the pen tightly as she continued to scribble a number and then a thought that occurred to her immediately after she finished writing the previous one down.

Bette flipped a page over in the notebook to continue trying to make sense of all that was floating around in her head. Once she was sure she had covered as much ground as she could, she flipped the page back to the beginning of her list and read the first thought below the inspirational quote at the top of the page.

Bette bit her bottom lip as her eyes began to take in all that she had written down. The first two points were ones that pertained to relationships in general. They were surrounding the ending sentence of her last argument with Jodi. Bette had made it clear that she wanted someone to support her, to want to be with her, rather than working so hard to feel deserving of love.

The next two points, which didn’t surprise Bette at all, were surrounding Tina and that very support she desired. It still puzzled Bette how she could have thrown it all away on an affair with Candace, the lowest point of her relationship with Tina. And ultimately the breaking point that there ultimately was no recovering from.

Point by point Bette looked at what she had written down, in her mind tallying the ones that were directed toward Jodi and the ones that were more about Tina. Her eyes widened as she, once again, did a mental count and it came up pretty even between the two women that seemed to be haunting her mind at the moment.

“What am I doing?” Bette asked the empty room.

The thought crossed Bette’s mind that she should talk to Tina once again, but each time she did that Tina pushed her further toward Jodi. Bette had easily dismissed Alice telling her that Tina was interested in reconciling, feeling that she was past that point in time. The trust had been broken so badly between them that the relationship they once had couldn’t exist. They could only work on being the best parents to Angelica that they could which at the moment included a friendship.

Bette thought about the recent months with Tina, the dramatic turnaround from the constant arguing and spiteful behavior to a solid friendship. Bette had thought about friendship, an essential in any relationship that is meant to be more. The cornerstones of an intimate relationship were similar to those of a friendship. Each needed love, just different kinds of love. Each needed respect, trust, communication, and moments of laughter. If they could rebuild their friendship, was it possible to rebuild their relationship as well?

Then Bette skimmed the list a few points down to see some that related to Jodi and her current situation. Bette felt that it had to mean something that she was trying so hard to make this relationship with Jodi work. She could easily satisfy any urges she had by picking up random women and practicing what used to be Shane’s motto of no emotional entanglements.

She had proved that very point in New York when she lobbied Helena Peabody for a grant for The CAC. She easily circled her prey and had her way, not that she felt good about it the morning after. She also recently confirmed she could satisfy her physical needs by sleeping with Nadia, not one of her brighter ideas, but effective nonetheless.

After Nadia, Bette felt empty and alone, forcing her to recognize that she wanted a relationship. She stepped into unfamiliar territory with Jodi, opening herself up and sharing her fears, rather than dismissing them and trying to control the situation. They had sex that night, in Jodi’s studio, and Bette felt a rush she hadn’t experienced in a long time. Yet, despite the excitement of a new relationship, she battled Jodi at every turn to get what she felt she needed from her. Bette flipped the page over once more, seeing that she had written one of her first thoughts last on the page.

“Anything that is worth it requires a fight to appreciate it.”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before uttering the question that, until now, she dared not to ask.

“What am I fighting for though?” Bette mumbled to herself.