Chapter 8

Time stood still as Tina’s eyes read over the points that seemed to jump off the page in Bette’s familiar handwriting. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat as her heart raced from the memories the two statements were evoking. Tina’s breathing was a bit shallow and she bit her bottom lip as she contemplated what to say.

Bette watched as Tina’s slight flush began to deepen in color. Tina’s cheeks became red as she coughed to clear her throat. Bette smiled, happy that her words had obtained the reaction that was unfolding before her.

“I’ve always felt that I should apologize,” Tina said softly. “Not only did I never tell you how much it meant to me, this first point, but I never apologized for questioning your choice as a donor.”

Bette smiled as Tina sat staring at the pad of paper in front of her. Tina’s eyes read, once again, the first point that Bette had written down. Her memory was flooded with images from the night that Bette had made a sacrifice and put aside her own needs for Tina’s.

“I didn’t realize the sacrifice you were willing to make,” Tina said sadly. “I’m sorry I overlooked that. You were willing to put aside all of your criteria for a donor just so we could have a child. Even when I rejected Marcus without considering your side, you just wanted to give me what I needed and faced your fears when you asked that man back to our house.”

“It all worked out in the end,” Bette said as she placed her hand on Tina’s thigh to comfort her.

“Please don’t minimize it,” Tina almost begged. “I know it was a fear you always had, since I had only been with men before. You were always afraid I’d go back to men, yet you put that aside in an effort to get me pregnant.”

“I’m not sure we want to travel down this road,” Bette warned.

Bette took a sip of her scotch, unsure whether Tina had picked up on the lingering bitterness and hurt that Bette had regarding her decision to date Henry.

“I have no excuse for my behavior, but that night wasn’t at all about a man, it was about you and I and us starting a family. I’ve held onto that memory for so long.”

Bette sipped her drink again unsure of how to respond to the topic of Tina’s indecision regarding her sexuality which ultimately broke Bette’s heart.

“I know that was hard for you to see me with a guy that night,” Tina continued but Bette quickly cut her off.

“Not as hard as when you actually left me for one.”

Tina winced as Bette’s tone registered.

“I made a mistake,” Tina said softly. “One that I will always regret, but I’ve tried to move on and just understand why things happened the way they did.”

“Got any answers?”

Bette still sounded angry, even to her own ears, so she took another sip of her drink to settle her nerves.

“Things weren’t working for us,” Tina said staring straight at Bette, forcing herself not to shy away from the conversation. “The only other woman I had been with was Helena and that turned out to be disastrous. Why would I think a relationship with another woman wouldn’t turn out as horribly as my other two had?”

“I think those two points show that our relationship worked at one time,” Bette said in her defense. “I’m not sure why it stopped working, but I won’t take the responsibility for driving you back to men.”

“I made a mistake,” Tina said as tears formed in her eyes.

Tina looked away and blinked rapidly to prevent her tears from overflowing.

“I just want you to know that there was nothing that night that excited me other than you,” Tina said sincerely.

The tone of Tina’s voice was quiet; sadness was the underlying theme Bette heard, as she turned to look at Tina and her facial expressions. Bette immediately felt sorry for the way she had treated Tina, seeing the pain she was feeling reflected in the teary eyes that were looking back at her.

“I meant it when you touched me,” Tina said in a shaky voice. “That was you.”

Bette took a deep breath to settle her nerves as her mind flashed back to the moment Tina placed her hand between her legs. She remembered the heat that radiated off Tina’s body, the evidence of her arousal overwhelming Bette’s senses.

“I meant what I said about it being enough if we made a baby together, I’d know it was mine.”

“Regardless,” Tina offered a weak smile before leaning forward on the couch and staring straight ahead. “You stepped out of our comfort zone for me that night, when you asked him to come back to the house to be with us, and I never thanked you for that.”

“You also put your own opinions aside to help us get pregnant,” Bette said with a smile. “I remember the morning you told me you were going to bring home Marcus’ sperm.”

“Sexy in love,” Tina repeated the words she used that morning. “No doctors…”

“No paper gowns,” Bette added with a chuckle.

“That was an amazing morning,” Tina said in a husky tone as she remembered Bette backing her into the shower and making love to her as only Bette could.

Tina shivered as she remembered the feel of Bette’s lips on her skin, the water pelting their bodies as Bette pushed Tina against the tiled wall of their shower. She remembered how Bette had urged her to wrap her legs around Bette’s body, desperately kissing Bette with the promise of what was to come later that night. It was one of the few times within the 6 months prior that they were together for the sake of just loving one another, no insemination equipment or doctors there, it was just Bette

“It was an amazing night too,” Bette said as she smiled lovingly at Tina. “Even if it didn’t turn out how we had hoped, even if we had to suffer that loss, I wouldn’t change that night for the world.”

“It was,” Tina said as she shivered from the images flooding her memory.

Tina thought about how soft and gentle Bette had been, ensuring that they took their time and didn’t rush into physical intimacy. She remembered the taste of the wine, the feel of Bette removing her shirt, and Bette’s gentle touch on the bare skin on her back.

“Hard to believe someone accused us of having a shitty sex life given that night,” Bette said almost lost in her own thoughts of that night.

“With no scraps of leather or suede to assist us,” Tina joked about the sex therapist they had ventured to see after Angelica was born.

“We never needed any of that,” Bette said seriously as she ran her fingertip over the rim of her glass slowly, continuing to look deep into Tina’s eyes.

Bette set her glass down on the counter near the mini-bar before rubbing her hands over her thighs and smiling at Tina.

“It’s getting late,” Bette said to break the tension between them. “If we’re going to meet for breakfast I should get some sleep.”

Tina got up and met Bette in the middle of the room.

“I can’t thank you enough for your help.”

“We’re not done are we?”

“You want to continue?” Tina asked sounding slightly shocked. “Are you sure you want to do that?”

“I told you I’d help you get unstuck and rewrite this,” Bette offered a small smile. “I truly meant it.”

“That means so much to me, but I’m sure you have some plans with Jodi and I don’t want to interfere with those.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Bette assured her with a smile. “I had planned on spending some time with you and Angelica while you’re here. We’ll work it out.”

“You’ve given me a lot to think about anyway,” Tina said. “I’ll expound on that tomorrow when I pick it back up.”

“Tired?”

“Yeah,” Tina said hesitantly as she was slightly on edge and just wanted a few moments by herself. “I think I’ll turn in knowing Angelica will be up early.”

Bette leaned forward and brushed her lips against Tina’s with a smile on her face. She could taste the small amount of scotch that Tina had sipped on her lips. She pulled back and rubbed Tina’s upper arm.

“Call me when you’re ready for breakfast, I’ll be up early I’m sure.”

Tina leaned against the door after closing it when Bette left for her own room. She closed her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair.

“What just happened tonight?” Tina said aloud to the otherwise silent room.

She turned off every lamp other than a small one that was near the couch. She flopped onto the couch and closed her eyes as she leaned her head back to sort out the events of the night.

It was a shock to see Kate standing outside her door, eager to explain why she was in New York, but making her ulterior motive well known when it was time to say good night. The kiss was completely unexpected, but Tina had to be honest with herself that she had allowed it to happen out of curiosity. It had lived up to her expectations, which were set high, given her past with Bette.

Seeing Bette sitting in the bar alone, when she should have been with Jodi, had peaked Tina’s curiosity as to the dynamics of their relationship. She couldn’t help but to feel slightly resentful of Jodi, given that she had uprooted her life and Angelica’s to come to New York because Jodi had asked Bette to stay, yet there seemed to be no concessions on Jodi’s side.

Tina quickly went through her nightly routine, thinking about the emotional evening she had with Bette. Remembering all of the finer moments of their relationship was draining, yet enlightening, as she hadn’t known Bette’s side of past events.

When Bette had walked away from her the morning of the last attempt at using Sean as a donor, Tina had assumed that other things just simply took precedence, but to finally hear from Bette that wasn’t the case was almost freeing. Finally having the chance to apologize for rejecting Marcus was something she had waited to do for so long.

Tina lay down in bed and stared at the ceiling. She remembered the moments of the relationship that had been revisited earlier that night. She could almost feel Bette’s touch, her soothing words during the insemination they carried out in the privacy of their own home, how loving she was when she whispered ‘lets do it’ in Tina’s ear.

Tina closed her eyes and tried to shake the image of Bette from moments ago. The sexy smiles, the looks, the tension between them that never seemed to fade, just something they had stopped listening to.

“This is going to be a long night,” Tina whispered as she flopped over in bed and covered her head with a pillow.

Bette slowly slid her key in the door and sighed as the door clicked open and she peered inside to see Jodi lying in bed. She shut the door behind her quickly, to shelter the darkness of the room from the blinding light of the hallway.

She kicked off her shoes and began to feel around in the dark for her suitcase to retrieve her pajamas and get ready for bed. Once her hands felt the silk of her pajamas, she smiled and grabbed them, making her way to the bathroom to change and begin her nightly regimen.

Bette shut the bathroom door and turned the light on, squinting as her eyes adjusted to the change in light. She turned the water on, quickly brushed her teeth, and then looked up at her reflection in the mirror.

“What’s going on with you?” Bette whispered to herself in the privacy of the bathroom.

She splashed water on her face, performed the end of her nightly ritual as she washed her face, and then made her way quietly to the bed in the center of the room. She pulled back the covers on her side of the bed, desperate not to wake Jodi since she had stood her up for dinner.

Bette got into bed and laid on her back, staring at the ceiling, still haunted by the memories the rewrite had brought to the surface. She put her arm behind her head and watched as the shadows of the night took shape on the ceiling in front of her.

She was deep in thought about the night she had just spent with Tina, including some of the revelations that were shared between them, and cursed herself for not communicating effectively with Tina throughout their relationship. She wondered how different things might be if she had done that very thing, opened up and talked to her wife.

Bette jumped when she felt a hand on her stomach, playing with the hem of her white tank top that she paired with her silk pajama bottoms.

“Oh my God you scared me,” Bette said as her hands signed the same sentiment to Jodi. “I thought you were asleep.”

“And I thought you were meeting me for dinner,” Jodi signed back. “Where did you go?”

Jodi ran her hand over Bette’s well-toned arm and began to play with her hair lovingly. Bette forced a smile on her face and sat up to communicate effectively with Jodi.

“I had a few drinks at the bar,” Bette signed as she watched Jodi’s expression. “Then I ran into Tina so I helped her with her rewrite of Lez Girls.”

“You missed dinner,” Jodi simply said. “That will cost you.”

“Oh really?” Bette sensed the teasing in Jodi’s mannerisms. “What’s the price?”

Jodi leaned over and kissed Bette’s skin running her tongue over the sensitive spot at the nape of Bette’s neck. Bette tangled her fingers in Jodi’s hair as she held her close to her. Jodi’s hand began to wander over Bette’s body, starting with the hem of her shirt, moving upward underneath the cotton material.

Bette closed her eyes to try to concentrate on the moment, yet her thoughts immediately drifted back to Tina and the two points she had written on the pad of paper. She remembered the passion they shared the night of the failed threesome. She had completely come undone once Tina placed her hand between her thighs to illustrate that Bette’s fears, at least at that moment, were unfounded.

Bette’s thoughts were whipped back into the present as Jodi intertwined her fingers with Bette’s and brought their hands to her breast. Bette smiled as Jodi’s tongue darted out of her mouth to lick Bette’s lips before she began to kiss her with determination.

Bette immediately condemned herself for comparing the current kiss with Jodi to the ones she shared with Tina the night of the insemination at their home. That had been Bette’s second contribution, the point where she could emphatically say that she didn’t have a shitty sex life with Tina, but rather one that was built on passion and love.

Bette pulled away from Jodi and offered a weak smile as an explanation to why she had stopped the intimacy between them when clearly Jodi wanted more.

“What’s going on?”

“It’s just been a long day,” Bette said as she pushed Jodi’s hair out of her face. She ran her fingers through Jodi’s long hair, offering nothing more than a weak smile.

“We’ve had long days before,” Jodi said as she kissed Bette’s lips once more.

Bette placed her palms against Jodi’s shoulders to stop the progression of the moment.

“I’m sorry. I am so tired and I want to be up early so we can eat with Angelica before we head to the site.”

Jodi, looking somewhat wounded, avoided Bette’s gaze as she lay back down on her side of the bed.

“Jodi…”

“It’s ok,” Jodi signed knowing her voice would give her emotions away. “We have had some long days lately and there is plenty of time to spend together in the future.”

Jodi placed a quick kiss on Bette’s lips before she flipped over and closed her eyes. Time seemed to stand still between them, Bette staring at the ceiling and Jodi looking at the wall. Bette closed her eyes, determined to shut her mind off so she could get a few hours of sleep, yet being completely unsuccessful as images of Tina throughout their relationship flashed in her mind.

“What am I doing here?” Bette whispered confident that Jodi was asleep. She closed her eyes once more, drifting off with thoughts of Tina in her mind, offering a sense of comfort to Bette.