I drove for hours, days. I dont know why I never considered flying, to expensive I guess and I didnt just want to assume that I was staying with Bette and everything would be peachy keen. I mean I practically ignored her for a yearwe definitely have issues to work over. So as soon as I got to Philly I rented a room at the Renaissance Hotel right outside of the airport. It was practically in the middle of the highway, but it was out of the way and only took a few minutes to get into the city. I assumed it was mainly for people that were on business trips and such. I glanced around the lobby, its not a bad looking hotel, simple I guess, not extravagant by any means, but I could afford it from working for so long although I had dwindled my funds to about nothing with the meth using. UghI can barely say it without my mind doing flip flops. Anywayit was better than nothing and better than a rinky dink little motel I saw in a local and may I add, very *****, town. Getting the room key I took the elevator up to my room and plunked my duffel onto the hard mattress and let my body fall just as ungracefully beside it. After days of driving and only pulling over for short naps on the side of the road I was ready to pass out. Curling up on top of the comforter I kicked my shoes off and snuggled into a little ball falling asleep almost immediately. Hours later, dont ask me how many, I forget when I fell asleep; I woke up to an almost pitch black sky only dotted with scattered stars. Stretching I heard my back crackle and pop and wondered why I hadnt heard Evan cry to wake me up for dinner. It was then that I was struck with the enormity of my actions. I left my child and the only happiness that I had known in who knows how long. I lie there looking at the ceiling and pressing my fingers to my eyes like I was trying to force the tears to stay put. I licked my lips and sniffled sucking mucus back in while the drops made their way down my temples and onto the pillow below my head. I didnt want to cry, doing that would be admitting to myself I was wrong. I still couldnt believe it thoughmy stomach was clenching tightly along with my throat and heart. I barely remember that morning anymore, it seems like a lifetime ago. Has that ever happened to you? I couldnt go back…not yet anyway, Im not ready for that yet. I know that if I go back I wont be able to stay away from certain temptations, that being speeding; not in the traffic sense. The pull is too strong there for me still, and I can get it whenever I want there. I need to be somewhere newthis is very new. Still, my son is my love and I cant just ignore the fact that I left him, how selfish it was. I was screaming at myself as I rolled off the bed, telling myself that I was stupid for feeling so free and happy that I didnt have any responsibilities; meanwhile I have one of the hugest ***** responsibilities ever created. Im such a ***** up. Standing up I took my sleep-wrinkled shirt off and unzipped my bag pulling out a black hoodie with the word ARMOR written across the front in big white letters. I didnt bother putting anything on underneath except for my bra, so I just zipped it up. Suddenly that baby soft scent filled my head and I collapsed on the ground next to the bed smelling the sleeve of my sweatshirt and sobbing. I missed him so much.After a few minutes which might as well have been hours, I wiped my eyes with the same sleeve and scooted up to the bed again. I reached back into one of the side pockets and pulled out the cell phone that I had gotten last week, brand-spanking-new. I dialed my house number and my stomach felt like it would fly away from the rest of by body with all of its flittering butterflies. I listened to it ring before my mom exasperated voice picked up on the other end. Hello. I always hated the way she answered the phone, like she was demanding the caller to speak, it was unnerving. Mom? This set her off on a rampage. Christina? Where in holy ***** are you? You just pick up and ***** leave, what if mom would you I hadnt found that note? What if something happened to MOM! you or the babyWHAT? You dont have the right to yell at me Christina. Im sorry. What the ***** good does that do me, or your child? Is he okay? Hes not hungry or anything right? Whats he doing? Hes sleeping now, I just fed himwhere are you? I stopped to think about my answer, I knew she wasnt going to be happynot at all. Philadelphia. I murmured There was dead silence on the linefor a second I thought she dropped the receiver, but then I heard her exhale steadily. Whyyy are you in Philadelphia? What you ran off to be with that girl? She said girl with such hate. Go figure, I thought she got used to the ***** thing. That girl? Jackie you know that girl, Bette slept over more than once during school I think the fact that I called her Jackie made her even more pissedoops? Dont you ***** Jackie me, and that was well before I knew you were a ***** ***** Tina! Mom! Im a grown woman Yes, a grown woman who has a severe drug problem, a son, and who Im beginning to think has mental issues as well. Now you will get off this phone, back into your car, and drive home right nowyoull be back in a few days and this whole little escapade will be yesterdays memories. You can get another job, get your own apartment and find a nice man who will love and care for you and Evan First off, I havent done any type of drug since Evan was born, secondlyIm ***** mother, which means Im not so much into guys. Im already in Philly whats the point of me driving all the way back already just to turn around and come back again. I will be back in a week or two, please just watch Evan.I will be back, tell him I love him okay Christina do not hang up that phone, you will listen to I pushed the end call buttonits not a permanent situation, Im not staying forever. At least I know my mom wont let anything happenright? I know my decision wasnt the best, and I was only thinking of myselfI just dont know what else to do to make something change in my lifeto take away that craving for the monsterthat not even having a baby could conquer completely. I slipped my phone into my back pocket and grabbed my car keys. Fingering the slip of paper in my front pocket with Bettes address on it I walk out the door of my hotel room.