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I Forgive Myself … Chapter 20
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I forgive myself for my infidelity; betraying my love and the sanctity of our marriage by giving my body so freely to Candace Jewel
I forgive myself for having sexual fantasies about Candace and masturbating with her in the prison cell then going home with my wife
I forgive myself for lying to Tina when she wrapped her arms around me and I thought it was Candace
I forgive myself for not having the fortitude to resist the physical attraction I felt for Candace
I forgive myself for playing with fire and thinking that I could handle my sexual attraction for Candace without acting on it
I forgive myself for using physical force on Tina in an act of angry sex
I forgive myself for staying in a two month relationship with Candace knowing full well that she wasn’t who I wanted
I forgive myself for having sex with Candace on the same morning that I boldly and publicly proclaimed my undying love for Tina
I forgive myself for taking several weeks to do what Tina had asked of me; to end the relationship with my lover Candace
I forgive myself for striking out in anger when Tina was only showing compassion for me and trying to help when I lost the Peabody grant
I forgive myself for allowing my father to disrespect Tina, our relationship, our lifestyle choices and our family
I forgive myself for contemplating suicide as a way out
I forgive myself for lusting after other women and giving in to sexual temptations
I forgive myself for holding hatred in my heart for Helena Peabody
I forgive myself for not being a better communicator in expressing my feelings to Tina
I forgive myself for not sharing our financials with Tina and feeding her insecurities about money
I forgive myself for my careless disregard and not always treating Tina with the respect of an equal partner in our relationship
I forgive myself for my insensitivity towards Tina
I forgive myself for putting my career first thinking that I was making my family a priority by working more to make a comfortable and secure living for them
I forgive myself for taking advantage of Tina’s kindness and running roughshod over her; being late for dinner, expecting her to pick up laundry; treating her like a second class worker instead of a
loving wife
I forgive myself for not telling and showing Tina how much I loved her often enough
I forgive myself for abandoning our relationship and allowing someone else to seduce me
I forgive myself for flirting with disaster by letting Candace Jewel into my world
I forgive myself for degrading my body and giving it away so freely purely for sexual gratification
***
Bette: ”Why is it so important for you to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else?”
Alice: ”Because they are.”
Bette: ”No, that’s just your little fantasy. Here is a truly radical idea for you to contemplate: monogamy isn’t just hypothetical. Some people actually do practice it.”
***
Bette: “… you don’t want to give me anything I need … OK that’s fair.”
Tina: “Nothing is fair Bette … you broke everything that meant anything to me.”
Bette: “Let me fix it.”
Tina: “No.”
Bette: “I can’t accept that.”
Tina: “Too bad.”
I forgive myself for being narcissistic in my belief that there was something that I could do to fix things after destroying everything that meant anything to Tina
***
Julia/Paul (using Leena Patel’s words; no copyright infringement intended): “As you go deeper into the meditation, you will feel the anger or sadness or hatred or frustration, or whatever pain you are experiencing, begin to dissolve. There is simply no place for it in your body or heart because you have awakened to the greater truth: That at our core, all we are is Love. Look out for pleasurable sensations of warmth, expansion, or spaciousness, relaxation, peace. Perhaps a feeling of being happy for no reason whatsoever. Notice how attending to the movement of breath increase these sensations. Experience yourself as the Infinite Love that you are. See other beings as the love that they are. Bask in the feeling-tone of love that is permeating your consciousness.”
***
Bette: ”Dana…Tonya … I lift my glass to caring, and kindness and trust, and longevity and… respect… to all the things that you’ll need to keep your love alive. I wish you… happiness. And I hope that you forever spare each other pain. And if you find that isn’t possible, then I wish you forgiveness.”
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No sooner had I finished reading the 19 already has
another chapter.
wonderful!
Wow BAT you’ve really put the Tibette thru some journey. I hope this is what is needed for them start fresh.
Dee22 – thank you. Yes this has been a deep dive so far. They have made great progress in just two days but so much more to come. The beauty of this journey is that although painful it is offering them healing and a fresh start. All the hurt will be worth it in teaching them hard earned lessons that will strengthen their relationship in the long run.
So glad you reposted this story, thanks
Thank you wkm for revisiting it with me. I appreciate that you continue to read and comment. It means a lot that you are reading it again.
Wow! I believe that now Bette and Tina found
path to the healing process.
The complete constellation.
Good Night!!
“Know that it is not always enough to be forgiven by someone, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.”
(Shakespeare)
mscully – thank you. Great quote from Shakespeare. It’s exactly what I was trying to convey in this chapter. It was extremely important for Bette and Tina to admit to and forgive themselves for their own perceived transgressions before they could move on and forgive each other. Thank you for continuing to read and commenting.
TINA and BETTE have really let disharmony and guilt invade their relationship,now to let go is what each must do and try not to dwell on what they did to themselves as well as to each other IMO.TINA hardest one would be that she struck BETTE and BETTE’s would be that she cheated.Let their journey back to each other begin.thanks pps
dunnthat – thank you for reading commenting faithfully. There is certainly a lot of guilt, distrust, and disharmony not only between them but within themselves. There is one more phase of this self-forgiveness that Paul and Julia will reveal in the next chapter and then they can work on forgiving each other and moving on. The journey has just barely begun for them.
Hey BAT, this story was the ONE that turned me on to your stories. I love this story as it helped me with my own healings and forgiveness. The resources you used were so beneficial to me, so thank you.
I love the time that Tina and Bette spent in Vermont and all the useful ways they learned to communicate lovingly, honestly, clearly and from their hearts. Paul and Julia assisted the couple nicely in better ways for them to be together in strength, respect, and becoming better listeners and communicators.
Such a wonderful story, thank you!
???? ❤ bumsue
bumsue – thank you. I never intended to get so deep into this story when I started writing it, but I also didn’t want it to be one of those superficial stories where Bette says I’m sorry; Tina says I’m sorry and they have sex and live happily ever after without ever really digging into what went wrong. This story was to answer the question of how do we attempt to if not fix, at least lessen the opportunity for recurring bad behavior.
Bette and Tina started the conversation in the elevator scene in s5 and I had hoped that we would see more of that but instead they jumped right to having another baby when Tina didn’t even trust that Bette wouldn’t cheat again. Bette was living in fear, and Tina was holding the fact that she could walk out and take Angie with her at the drop of a hat to keep Bette on probation. It was rather sad to see Bette in S6 spending her entire energy on worrying about Jenny’s threat to tell Tina about Kelly (when nothing happened).
Wow ! Don’t use the word much but coming back after a few days away to catch up on this great thought provoking story I can think of nothing more to say !
I know I’m going to have to do a re read these last few posts and the comments also and I’ll be doing that. I agree with Bumsue that it does help reflecting on the happenings in your own life and this is extremely welcome to me at the moment. Although I also welcome a 6lb 10oz bundle of joy which means I should think about a Username change to SassyGREATGran and is no doubt going to alter my life yet again!!
Thanks BAT for this story, a small word but meant from the heart.
Congratulations SassyGran!
Ditto. Congrats on becoming a great-gran. Wishing you lots of joy.
SassyGREATGran :-)
Thank you for your kind words and I do encourage you to read the comments on the previous chapters as they are in themselves thoughtful and thought provoking.
When I originally had the idea to write this story I didn’t know where it would take me. It literally took on a mind of it’s own and as a result I spent almost as much time on the internet researching different approaches to address the issues as I did writing the story. It was also very interactive as readers were active on the Discussion Board and in comments participating in the journey and lending their voices to help me write each chapter. I can’t thank everyone enough for that and today as I re-post the story I’m very grateful that it’s touching hearts and giving others some things to reflect on.
Awesome update BAT2012!
Good move from Paul to invite Julia on this very important part for forgiveness.
The words Bette spoke to Dana and Tonya pulled then and now at my heartstrings. I felt/feel so deeply with Bette.
They had to forgive themselfs for a lot, but if you read the forgive me list from Bette, you can’t miss that her cheating was clearly the most important. It triggered their break up. I honesty believe that she will never make that mistake again.
Tina had to forgive herself for a lot of things, the way she acted had to do a lot with her background, but i still think she was out of her mind and more than spiteful and cruel.
I hope she can get rid of Helena. She will stay a burden and pain in the ass for their relationship.
Again, awesome update! Thank you.
Bibi28 – thank you for continuing to read and commenting so faithfully. Yes I agree that the affair was definitely Bette’s biggest regret. I do try in a future chapter to get inside her head to understand some of what triggered it.
The scene where Tina brought Helena to the party and threw her in Bette’s face was heartbreaking; especially since just that morning Tina had told Alice that she hadn’t ‘ruled out the possibility’ of them getting back together and she’d planned to tell Bette about the baby. I think Tina had in mind to use Helena to maybe make Bette jealous or whatever but it backfired and instead Helena used her to mess with Bette’s life.
It’s going to take a hard lesson for Tina to get rid of Helena, and if you’ve read the story before you will recall it has nothing to do with Bette. Tina past with Helena is going to catch up with her in a most unexpected way.
Hey Bat, another exceptional chapter and hopefully from now on Bette and Tina really can not only forgive themselves but each other too.
Due to your story I was thinking a lot about the show and there was something I was really missing in Bette and Tina’s interactions – they never really were playful or bantering. We saw some glimpses of that side of Bette with Alice and even with Jodi but never with Tina, at least I can’t remember any scenes from the show. And as Paul said in this chapter ‘She needs more spontaneity in her life’ and ‘Besides I get a kick out of springing things on her last minute.’ – it’s really something that Tina too should try sometimes to bring out Bette’s playful side.
I really can’t thank you enough for bringing this story back and for you posting it daily. It’s a great pleasure to read your version of S3 even if it’s brutally honest and sometimes hard to not let all the emotions it provokes take over. Again looking forward to your next post.
as1219 – thank you for reading this story for the 2nd or maybe 3rd time around. I originally wrote it in 2011 and re-posted in 2012. Third time is the charm and per your request I will finish it this time.
I agree with you that there were very few playful interactions between Bette and Tina. I can recall two or three and they were in the later seasons when they were having an affair and when they got back together.
There was a scene during the bike ride before Jodi found out about the affair. There was also one when they were joking about the carpenter that was renovating the house and they couldn’t figure out if she was gay or not.
What I really missed was Bette laughing out loud. One of my favorite scenes in the entire six seasons was when they were all at HIT (Kit and Helena’s club) and Jenny and Shane made some excuse about taking a look around so they could sneak off together. This is after they slept together and everybody knew but they were hiding it.
I think both Bette and Tina have a playful side, but unfortunately by the time we were introduced to them in s1 of the show they were already falling apart as a couple and it just got progressively worse. I think we saw more of their truer character in s4, s5, s6 when they were becoming friends and eventually lovers again.
I think I address some of the somberness of their relationship in this story. I don’t remember exactly but it is something that bothered me as well.
Second time reading this and I still can’t get enough of. Thanks for posting so often.