Chapter Five

That night, I kinda wanted Billy to leave me, to dump me, to ditch me. That way, it might have been easier to deal with. Bullshit. I know.

It’s just really hard if you have someone in your life for that long, taking care of you, really loving you. And you love that person too, and than something happens and it’s all over in seconds. It felt like my life was ruined, while this was what I wanted.

I couldn’t kiss Billy with a good conscience, let alone have sex with him. I had never really liked it, but it had never crossed my mind that maybe I was a lesbian. I thought it was just this weird thing of me again, me being different than anybody else. I thought it was me and my fucked up mind.

Until Fiona came along and gave me my first orgasm. I couldn’t tell in words how it made me feel. As I said before, it felt like coming home.

So there I was in the car, with Billy. I didn’t have any idea what to tell him. So I did the dumbest thing I could possibly do in that situation: I kissed him.

“Billy, she made me. Fiona kissed me, I didn’t know what was happening, I was surprised. I love you, Billy.”
“Bette… look, our relationship hasn’t been that well lately. You have to agree with me on that. The thing is, Bette, I do love you. I want you to be happy, you deserve that. If I can do that, I feel the luckiest guy on earth, and I love being with you and kissing you and having sex and hanging out, and everything. But if it doesn’t make you feel good, all those things, than maybe we should stop it.”

Tears were brimming in my eyes. God, he really was sweet. How could I ever think that he may not have been right for me?
I didn’t know what to say. Those bad words about Fiona leaving my mouth, it made me feel horrible. I hated it, it felt like I was betraying her, as if she would return and slap me in the face if she had known. Fuck it, Bette, she doesn’t care. She never cared about you.