My thigh throbbed all the next day, all the way home. It was red and raw like my eyes drained of tears and denied the healing powers of sleep. The white hot afternoon glare of the sun and vibrant blue sky at 20,000 feet made the pain no better. My stomach was growling, not even McDonalds to soothe its empty demand because of course Andy cranked up as soon as he walked in the door, so much for dinner. My heartwell my heart was in the same condition as my eyes, red and raw from being pried from Dorians, two hearts now beating separately thousands of miles between them when yesterday they thumped in unison. I couldnt help but think how ***** all of my relationships have been. My brain of course was raw as well, unable to shut down with thoughts crashing like electrons orbiting a nucleus of dueling emotions. I wanted Dorian, I wanted to be free and feel alive; I wanted to go to Bette, I wanted true love, security, normality. But most of all, the all consuming thoughtI wanted to stay high, knowing that I should want to come down and stay that way. I didnt. By the time I landed I still wasnt down. I was greeted with the familiarity of Los Angeles. Masses of buildings and streets greeted me, beautiful people, all with their own got rich story and thousands of sad sick and twisted little secrets to tell. Glittering towers of glass and neon were intruding upon the beauty of an autumn dusk; still all were waving a big welcome home. I was amidst a bayou of cement, asphalt shingles, tinted panes, fake wood siding, and lingering in the far distance the sparkling salt water of the Pacific; vast as time itself, seconds, hours, eons locked within calm waves of the oceans magnitude. It wasnt new to Tina, she was home. But Sadie saw it through new eyes, she was a stranger. It was a ***** getting through airport security but finally I was walking down the far side of the jetway; surprise, surprise; no relatives or friends to greet me. I tugged my carry on with my upper-thigh itching like crazy beneath my tight jeans and found the escalators. Thank god that by the time I got to the bottom Tina went left, Sadie went right and the monster inside retreated just in time. I saw them before they saw me, the whole fam-damily came back to greet me, even my dad was there. My mom actually looked good, pretty even; I could tell she was sober thank god. Greg, well he was more than I expected; he was very handsome with bright blue eyes and light brown hair and smooth skin, younger than my mom but you would never really notice. Dad, well he looked a little worse than he had before; his 5 oclock shadow was graying as well as his redish hair, his wife was there too. Shes a nice woman I guess, a little young and on the scary controlling side, I try to keep away from her though. As soon as my mom spotted me she smiled, and then it faded as she caught glimpse of something not quite right. She may have missed out on a lot in my life, but she knows memothers intuition I guess. She hesitated, unsure that I was me as she felt something unfamiliar about me. But then she waved and they flooded me from all sides. It was a head rush. Did you ever think of how strange homecomings are? Everyone talks at once asking every possible question but not waiting for any kind of response. They talk about themselves and what theyve been up to and what theyre doing next; ignoring you like a photograph on a wall. Then they start talking to one another, forgetting that youre plane just landed and you just got in, they forget that youre in the backseat, forgetting theyve already said it all. You just want to scream, Cant you see Im right here? Cant you see Im different, new? Cant you see me at all? My mom likes to say I love you with food. So we went out to dinner, not McDonalds thank the powers that be. We went to a buffet. A mega buffet: Salads- Oriental chicken; wilted spinach; ambrosia; three-bean; crab (or at least thats what they called it); potato (three kinds); pasta (five kinds); carrot and raisin (so disgusting); and, of course, green. Entrees- pizza, lasagna, mushroom ravioli; fried chicken, roasted chicken, chicken piccata; mahi, halibut, and deep fried cod; mashed, baked, scalloped potatoes; vegetables; and on the carving board, roast beef, roast turkey, and roast loin of pork. Desserts- apple, cherry, and lemon meringue pies; angel, carrot, and triple chocolate cakes; pastries, cookies, rum balls, and truffles; cobblers and bread pudding; soft serve ice cream, with all the fixings; and for the sweet tooths on a diet, strawberries (forget the diet, top with whipped cream!) Mom gets two plates (low carb of course), strawberries (no whipped cream). My dads wife, Leigh, (yes they actually were all eating together) gets three plates, eats half of each and skips dessert. Greg gets three and eats most of it, finishing off with a brownie and ice cream. Dad gets four, finishes them down to the gravy, and then eats three desserts, now I know where Colin used to get his eating habits. Im sure if he were here dad and him could have tied in how much weight they gained from that little experience. I was still battling the monster for brain and stomach space, I picked at one plate. Leigh and Dad left, he promised hed call me so that we could spend more time together. Im not going to hold my breath. Home sweet homeI was torn in two, seriously. The house looked like it welcomed me as well as threatened me. It looked just the same and completely different. I was happy to be home and yet undeniably sad, I never wanted to leave and I wanted to turn and run. I wanted to call all of my old friends, talk to Bette again; I wanted to call my newest friend. I wanted to tell everyone everything that had happened, but I wanted to keep it all to myself; boast about the best and confess about the worst. I needed to hold up, I needed to break down, I needed to remember, I had to forget. Most of all I had to find Tina and hide Sadie. Despite all the trepidation fluttering in and out of my head like a demented moth drawn to any remnants of light that may be left there, despite Sadie demanding I find a way to get high, like I had a clue where to get beak back here in Tina land Despite my mom helping me lug on suitcase, her hand annoyingly pinching mine with every tug and pull, her insisting I looked fabulous having dropped five or six pounds and all the while wondering if anorexia had arisen Despite Greg dropping the other suitcase down an entire flight of steps and spilling shampoo, lotion, and tampons everywhere Despite everything smelling depressingly clean while my own speed-induced body odor smelled even stronger Regardless of all of that my spotless purple room with teenage poster boy/girl fantasies plastered on the walls and a bog old dream worthy bed, was inviting me into the familiar. It offered rest to my weary body and distressed heart and head. I slipped down the hallway and into the bathroom, shed my clothes, and showered. I scrubbed my skin until I thought it might blister, studied my thigh and found likely signs of infection. Sadie shrugged it off while Tina screamed at the angry green pocket of puss beneath the purple welt. Dorians forever symbol of her love. The bathroom door opened and I did actually scream then. It was Taylor, possibly my best friend since kindergarten, she was one of the true ones, but I hadnt seen her in forever. Kinda jump arent you? I heard you were back, your mom said I could come up. Shes looking better. I looked at her like she was insane. Yea I guess. What are you doing here? Im naked you know. She rolled her eyes, Come on Teen, Ive seen you naked before. Well Ive never seen that before. She pointed to the tattoo and I asked her opinion. Well to me it looks like youve got one nasty ***** infection. Didnt you sterilize the needle? Thinking back I wasnt all that sure, but I wasnt gonna say that. Of course she did. Her eyebrows rose. She huh? It was like nothing changed between us, I could still tell her everythingwell almost everything, I left out the drugging part. She barely reacted to the ***** thing too. Well I hope thats the only infection she gave you. She said with a smirk and my mouth flew open in shock and I couldnt help but dig up a dirty part of her past. You would know about infections yea? Maybe you could check me out. What? Theres no need to get your back up I was just kidding, just ya knowgirls can carry STDs too Teen. Sadie felt much better, but Tina felt like a *****. Im sorry. I knowchalk it up to jet lag. ***** jet lag, brain lag described it better. The synapses quieting, gray matter shutting down except for the pain center. Taylors mediocre nursing skills applied some alcohol, hydrogen peroxide, and a dab of Neosporin; it only made it hurt more, although she probably killed a germ or two. At least lost in the center of my bed I didnt have to wear jeans or pajamas, or even panties. I was naked in that cool tangle of cotton sheets and I felt myself slip far, far away into that ocean of indigo. Down, down into a silent, lightless land, and there in the darkness I found Bette again. My sheets still smelled of her from the last time we were here together, obviously mom hadnt bothered to fix up my room. The sweet smell made my brain work all the while when I was sleeping. Its funny how your brain always functions at one level or another. How, even stuck in some sort of subconscious limbo, it works your lungs, your muscles twitch, your heart; it works in symphony with your heart. It lets it feel pain, love, guilt, jealousy. I wonder if its the same for coma patientslost in a semi-permanent dreamscape. Is there really such a thing as brain death? Instead of nose I was shaken awake by silence. I groped for consciousness while the room was dark and the blinds were closed, shadows undulating in air conditioned wave. I thanked god at that moment for the draft circulating my room. It was midday though; the house was emptied of people, of life. Nobody home and just myself for company, no one was going to demand conversations or explanations. I was alone, and I liked it that way. I got up and walked down those familiar creaky steps. Just then Taylor rang the bell and I answered the door, squinting from the harsh yellow of the afternoon sun. Hey there, I just wanted to stop by before I had to get to school. I had some antibiotic I never finished. You wont get a whole treatment but they havent expired. Not the way youre supposed to do it, but it cant hurt right? I smiled and nodded a thanks, promising wed get together soon. I turned and noticed two notes sitting on the table next to the phone, one from mom and one from Greg. I up the one with the more familiar handwriting: Andy called to make sure you made it back okay, very considerate of him. You are okay arent you? I told him you were fine. It is fine isnt it? I was kind of shocked by the change I had seen in mom in the past hours that Id been home, I was happy she seemed to be doing good. I picked up the second note and read over the script, Some girl called, Dorian. At least I think that was her name, she said Lolita toowhat kind of a name is that for a young girl? She asked for Sadie first, then Tinawhos Sadie? Good question I went straight for the phone and I tempted to actually call Bette first but my mind quickly jumped over that idea and Sadie screamed in my head, She forgot you, she moved on, she has a life without you. So instead I dialed Dorian. I forgot the area code was different though and got some creeps cell and asked for Dorian. Dont know the guy, but if you talk dirty Im sure I can fake it. Sadie giggled while Tina wanted to throw up; I thanked the guy any way and tried again. My head was dizzy and my hands were shaking as I punched in the right area code, I got his mom. Shes at the hospital. Lynn opened her eyes this morning. Ill tell her you called though. Tina was relieved. Sadie was in a rage and burning for a couple of lines. I thought about the only time that I had sat and talked with Dorians mom. Its a tough thing for two girls to grow up when their daddys turned their back on them. I nodded in understanding and listened more. The guy turned his back and hit the highway leaving his family in a lousy tow bedroom apartment never saying bye let alone sorry. Sorry speed freak, she spat least I got to wear my face minus bruises and swollen eyes. She survived without tears until her oldest daughter died shooting speedballs, just enough meth to stay awake for the heroin wild ride over the edge. Leila took after her dad. Never too much, never enough of goin right out of her head. What did that make Dorian? Watching her dad choose the monster, seeing her sister lie down for the demon, how could she possibly want to party? Doris all Ive got left. I pray to the Lord that she makes better decisions. Knowing all these things, probably more intimately that I ought to, what did that make me? I thought about praying then too. I changed my mind though. There was no doubt the good Lord had heavier things to worry about than the half-hearted apology of a crashing crankster. But if You do still care Lord, please keep me safe. The phone was still in my hand as it rang again, I jumped like a nasty bee had just give me the surprise of my life and I answered like I was returning the favor. Yesss? Hey Tina its Sarah. Taylor told me you just got back, how was your trip? Tell me all about it! Did you meet any cute boys? Sarah was one of the girls I hung out with during my tenure at high school, she was also one of the only ones I could tolerate. Was it hot there? It was killer here. Did your uncle have a pool? Did you get a tan? What did you do for fun? What could I possibly tell her? How much could I dare to tell her without it being splattered across town within minutes? That is if she ever gave me the chance to reply to her million and one questions. Apparently she really didnt want to know much at all. Did you go shopping? I got a whole bunch of new stuff for school? Are you going to enroll soon? Its still early, maybe theyll give you a late admission. A group of us girls, you know the old gang, are going camping; want to come? I told her Id ask and call back later. My brain needed a serious restnot to mention my left ear. I used to be able to listen to that girl talk for hoursnow Ior maybe Sadiewhich was still meright? Anyway, she wanted to scream. At least I had the house to myself. I downed the ampicillin and splashed some peroxide on my wounded thigh. It looked a little better than yesterday, the heart was more pink than violet and the pain was more of a soft pulsing reminding me of an emptiness so complete that I had no clue how to fill it; loneliness so heavy there was no way to lift it. I had only one intense need, one way to relieve it all, the bitterness of this confusion and pains sourcethe deep well of the monster.