Dear Tina, Hope everythings okay. Hope youre okay. Things are okay here. My mom got a new job and shes dating her boss. He already thinks hes my new stepdad or something. Says Id better think about what I want to do with my life besides party. I hate him already ya know? Lynn is home and I guess shes been better. She has to go to physical therapy everyday. Shes learning to walk and talk, just like a baby. Its weird, really weird. I try to spend time with her but its hard ya know? Im sorry about that phone call. I didnt mean to upset you. I was at the end of a three day binge, too long without food and sleep. Your brain starts to play ticks on you ya know? I do love you Tina. You were a gift, one Ill always treasure. You were a dream I never wanted to wake from. You opened my eyes to things Ill probably never see. Youre the best thing that will ever happen to me. Be safe. Be smart. Stay you. Dorian Why was everyone all of the sudden so worried about my IQ? I sank into my down pillow-top and reread every word twenty times right down to her signature. Dorian had a poets soul. I put the letter down and considered crying. I wondered how loving somebody could bring you down so much I wondered how you could stop yourself from loving. I wondered if the monster would let me come down soon. I did start crying then. Climb-and-dive on the crank coaster, I unlocked my heart and let all the hurt out. And then like she was listening to my head, my heart; Gwen called. She asked for Tina. Hey sweetie. Just checkin up on ya. You okay? Lets see, speeding, wanting tobacco, crying over I girl Im supposed to be over. Fine. Really? You dont sound fine. Can I make you feel better? I told you she was intuitive; even if she wasnt the type I could bring home to mom. Yea, I liked Gwen Chase. Id sing to you, but Im pretty sure that wouldnt help. I jumped into her well of ever present cheerfulness, swallowed deeply, and laughed out loud. We talked until Greg needed to use the phone. You probably wont sleep much tonight. Think of me once or twice? At least, I thought. I hung up the phone feeling so much less alone. I pulled out my journal and started to write, I wrote all night; the monster and I had a lot to say. Gwen was right, I didnt sleep much that night and not for the next day eitheror the three after that. Taylor invited me over and I told her I felt sick, both to escape the inevitable questions demanding uneasy answers and to consider my options: One, there was Gwen; she was a likely thing to happen, bad and sweet all at once, intellectually stimulating yet still liked to get down. Two, there was Nate; lifeguard extraordinaire, toned, tanned, rich. He didnt seem all that interesting but he was undeniable eye candy. He was a maybe. Third, someone new maybe? Mystery, seduction, adventure. A possibility. And Four, there was Bette; I could start over new in Philadelphia with her, like we planned. Just the two of us together, happyBut how would she react to Sadie, the new element added to precious perfect Tina, the smoking, the tattoo, the drugging, the all together multitude of changes. Her Tina was pretty much gone right? This choice was highly unlikelyfor the moment. I had to pick up my student id card so I got a ride from Gwen (still with Greg using the car, Im starting to believe she gave it to him), and told mom that I was going with Taylor. It was probably the first time I needed to lie to my mother about anythingokay so I had completely just omitted things before, like the ***** thing, but thats probably about it, all the other times she was too drunk to care; I didnt have to lie. And plus with her new attitude it was different, I felt bad. For about five minutes. I jogged down to the 7-Eleven to wait for her, anticipation rumbling in my empty stomach. The sight of her red Durango brought a smile to my lips. We shared a seat, shared a smoke, and a kissor several. Gwen waited with me in some surprisingly long lines so I could get my ID and schedule. I smiled for the camera. I had to with Gwen checking out my student body and grinning wickedly. Back in the truck there were more kisses and another cigarette of my very own that I lifted from her pack, which she took from her dad. She dropped me off around the corner from my house, giving me a stick of gum and a big passionate good-bye kiss. It could have been a perfect day except just as I closed the door Greg drove by. I learned a pretty valuable lesson about the construction of a lie and mom gave me a pretty good amount of time to figure out how to do it better. Can you believe that18grounded again? I sat on my bed absentmindedly tracing a little heart shaped scar, I didnt read, didnt write. All I did was think about my personal evolution. Where did I belong now with my relative innocence gone? Okay so it was gone in the virginity sense a few years back, but everything else is so new. Where did I fit? I felt like I fell into a critical state of limbo. My old friends were mired in status quo, how do I explain this new enlightenment? How do I explain the new crowd, three girlsfour if you counted Lynn as a part of it, and a guy. This definitely wasnt what I expected, or what my mom expected when she sent me off. I wondered if I should confess that her sweet innocent little Tina didnt exist anymore. My mom and Greg left to go to a movie or something, I really didnt care. The minute their car rounded the corner I was one the phonemisbehaving again. Come over Gwen. Now? Yeah right now. Wheres your mom? Just hurry. Need arose like an angry red dawn, and I paced until the neighbors dog alerted that a stranger had pulled up. I met her at the door. How much time do we have? Not enough. What do you want? God how many questions was that really all just rolled up into one big one? Everything. I said after thinking about it for at least all of three seconds. Will I get in trouble? Probably. She sighed. I didnt care, I needed to feel good. So we snorted, we smoked, and I asked for more. More. I really dont think you should. Come on, please! Take it easy Tina. I cant. She looked at me like she might just give it up but then looked away. Your moms gonna be back soon. I know.thats why I cant. Gwen looked down, she was torn I could tell, she didnt want to give me more, but she didnt want me to be unhappy, shes a sweet girl. She left me with some goodies. She didnt want to, she told me now way, but Sadie, mistress of persuasion, knew a trick or two to get her way. Tina swore to keep her in check and she tried, but no way. There was no way to ebb the flow of electric impulse, our brain began to plot. How do you get away from being GUFN? (grounded until further notice.) Sweet talk mom? There was little chance of that happening; a crazy idea soon started to hatch to sneak away and have one last fling until my prolonged summer ended. I think it was some sort of insanity, the realization that school was coming back around again maybe. I watched the window as I picked up the phone and dialed, Sadie cooed throaty hello. Hey, Id just about given up on you. There was no way I was going to admit to being grounded, again, so I made up some lame ***** excuse. Eh its not problem. Wanna get together? I did, Gwen or no Gwen, I wanted to see what Nate was made of. Bricks, mortar, flesh, bone. Ill pick you up. Where and when? Well I had to wait for mom and Greg to hit the hay, and then get out the windowas always. How many times had I climbed in and out of that damned window? I told him about 12. Thats pretty late. It was, but Id definitely be awake; I coughed up the fact that I was sneaking out. Okay by me, just dont get caught. No ***** was all I could think. I didnt plan on getting caught. Still, what could they do if they did? Ground me forever? What sort of party would you like my dear? Well that was damn direct. I told him Id bring the toot if he brought the beer. Sounds like a deal I can live with. My moms care turned up the driveway, the deal was sealed and we said our goodbyes. See you tonight luscious. Luscious? Hmm, I liked it. Or I thought I did. I hid in my room until dinner and then managed to gag down every piece of spinach on my plate, to keep my moms and my own mouth quite. I made the completely true excuse that I had cramps and turned in early. Uh-huh, I sat in my room, dark, but I was lit as the starry night sky. I listened to the sounds of my normality, familiar footsteps in the hall, the creaking on the steps, whispers, laughter; baying at the moonlight. It occurred to me then, like it had never before in one uneasy moment. What if every move I had made lately started a landslide? What if I couldnt go back? What if I died in the crash? Almost immediately the monster soothed me, confused me with a deeper question. What if the ride was worth it? I mean who wanted to trudge through life doing everything just right? Taking no chances means wasting your dreams. How can I explain the pure chilling of waiting to do something so basically not right? No fear. No guilt. How can I explain purposely setting foot on a path so blatantly treacherous? Was the fun in the fall? I hoped not. As I softly opened the window and peered down, I jumped into the roof like I had many times before, then down onto the shed roof, and then onto those ever present trash cans, touching down on the ground was probably the safest part of the whole night. I gulped in the darkness as I let my eyes adjust and the breeze whispered goosebumps across my skin. I listened for any sign of household disturbance. Nothing. I silenced my conscience, quieted screaming nerves and slipped away for the moment, unnoticed. No streetlights, no headlights, the world seemed to be asleep beneath my feet as I ran, a mustang over moonlit concrete, a cheetah in high gear. No fear, no brakes, I was consumed by some irrational itch to cruise along shadowy thoroughfares traveled by seedy characters, devilish imps. Nate was waiting in a battered mud colored Bronco. Climb in, you look great. I was winded and my hair was plastered to my face by my escape sprint, it was much harder without a car. He was a liar. A smooth gorgeous liar. How bout we go up to Chamberlain Flat? Secluded five miles up a dirt track, the played out wooded area was a notorious party spot. Theres probably a party up there. Anything could happen at a party up there. Good things. Bad things. Evil things. Ever hear about Camp Malone? Champ Malone, urban legend; eighteen and in league with Satan, skinning goats on Chamberlain Flat. My brother went out with his sister. Hmm, so he was more than just a parental fabrication meant to scare kids away from abandoned homes in wooded areas. He was real okay, Kyle met him. Met him and what? Dressed up like Halloween, prayed to the devil, and sacrifice hoofed animals? I asked. Shared a bong. He said he was creepy. Major understatement, if the dude was really for real! If pit made you buddy up with Satan you could keep it. But dont worry, Champs long gone. I reached for a whiff of courage and I saw Nate grin out of the corner of my eye. Far ***** out yo, beers in the back. We bumped up the road doing 40 or so, spilling some foam of Cali autumn-warmed brew and bustin gout guts laughing. I watched Nates muscular hands try to shift, missing gears, trying to steer around potholes and not quite evading most of them. I studied his face, mentally tracing bone structure; a model would kill for high cheekbones, perfect white teeth, all sheathed in Mediterranean flavored skin, iced mocha beginning to be sipped.it reminded me of Bette. I kissed him then. I swear every person you kiss is so different. Each has a unique essence and style. Nate was like tasting lavender, vanilla, Heineken, Cresttop-notch speed. His style was, No is not an acceptable answer. He was Sadie, with a *****. Saturday night, postmidnight, around 30 some hours until back to school, the party had hit high gear. Pot smoke hung, a skunky green curtain, but I didnt want to fall low so I indulged in another big snort before inhaling a couple of tiny tokes, mostly to satisfy the incredible urge to pollute my lungs. I topped it off with a Marlboro, landing on just the perfect plane, just about the place I wanted to be. Not too speedy, not even close to straight (I giggled), falling back into the yo-yo rhythm of crank, pot, beer, tobacco; the sensational amount of emotion, up and down, Nate hanging tight though I suspected he might desert me, take off on a flirting binge. I felt the jealous stares of girls I had envied, although I was better than them our paths wouldve never crossed in high school; strangely, suddenly though, they all wanted to get to know me. Now instead of Tina, they got to know Sadie. Nate stoked the fire. Lets take a walk. I was game to play the game. We wandered around for a bit, found a soft sitting spot in a patch of downy grass. Come here Sadie. As he pulled me onto his lap I wondered if I should confess my double identity. Instead I let him kiss me. Hard, hot. Oh man, Im so hot. He took his shirt off and the moon revealed perfect tanned muscles. He started to unbutton my shirt, silencing my protests, Shhh, dont say no. I cant, I mean I dontIm not Crank-enhanced goosebumps rose on my skin as his hands gently caressed me. Stop. You know you want to. I cant. Its the wrong time of the month. Then why did you call? I let Sadie answer. Not to get laid. Incredible as you are an all. Is that all you think Im about. What if I told you I was a virgin? Id call you a liar. Okay so I was, I wasnt gonna let him know that though. Plus I didnt want to have to walk all the way home. No lie. It was paydirt. The v thing is every guys drea,, to take something so tenuous and make it totally, solidly his. Believe me I went though this with Kevin. But Nate softened immediately, offered to forgive me only if I promised he could be my first. I wasnt sure what I needed to be forgiven about, but its not like I was putting anything on the line here. I said okay and then thanked him as only Sadie and the monster could. Hair mussed, clothes cockeyed, makeup slightly smeared, I would have looked fairly suspicious if I had walked through the door that night. I didnt have to though, so I never pondered once getting caught as I climbed through my window. The house was dark, no sounds except Gregs snoring coming though the thin wall; I laid in bed watching a ghost dance on the ceiling, nose sucking up sweat, tobacco, and eau de Nate, wondering what Bette was up to until the sun poked through the curtains less than an hour later. I was high for two days, too much meth, no sleep, and on a liquid diet. The first day of classes was a nightmare. Good thing I had been on the campus millions of time otherwise I wouldve gotten lost somewhere between the gym and the science buildingokay well I almost did anyway. I collected handouts, tried to follow the list of curricular expectations; tried avoiding eye contact with teachers, staff, and most definitely the on campus police; I ducked Taylor and Gavin so I didnt have to listen to their chitchat. I spent lunch far from anything close to food even though I trembled from near starvation. All the while I was feeling like my head would burst from thinking so damn much when all my brain really wanted to do was close down and fall into REM sleep. I considered climbing under the bleachers, letting it do just that before I did something really stupid, like passing out, but just about then the last class ended. Day one blessedly behind me, I rode the bouncing bus homeno still dont have my car. Gregs car? I wondered how I would possibly make it to school the next day. I craved down time when I had to gear up, I craved sustenance even though I might throw it up, and silence when I knew I would be expected to share the news of the day when I walked in the door. The monotony that I had disdained once, now cried out to me. I am essential, without me you will wither, like this summer, folding into fall; freeze hard, water in winter awaiting the first breath of spring; uproot, grass in a wind blown into a tornado; parch like the earth denied rain.