In my mind I had an agenda for the next two weeks and I had to accomplish it all before I left.

1.      Break up with Dana

2.      Tell everyone I was leaving

3.      Get on the Plane

            It had to be in that order or it just would not work. You could not do number two without number one first and number three without completing number one and two. That was my life; everything had to do with everything else. Nothing happens unless the things before it happened first. If Lenore never cheated on my father then he would never have left. If he never left, I might of have had a happy childhood. Then maybe I might not be insecure that everyone will leave me, and I would not be making this list I am making now. Do not get me wrong, I do not blame my father for my unhappy childhood, I figured if he would have stay I would have been happier, but he would have been unhappy. And I loved my father to much to let him stay.

            He told me when he left I would visit him, and he would visit me. It would be like he was never gone. I remember he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug good-bye. I was seven and I believed him. But as time progressed he drifted away. I guess the pain my mother created for him, just hurt too much. It hurt so much that it felt like he abandon his children, his family. By the time I was ten he had a whole new family. And I was just some kid he saw on Christmas and sent a birthday present to. By the time I was twelve it was like I never had a father at all. So if anyone asked me, he was just dead. Died in a plane crash on the way to New York.

            Ironically that is what I am hoping will happen to me. Just like he left I am leaving. I told myself I would never be like him and just abandon my family. But in a sense I did that, and I hate him for that. I hate Dana for making me do something that I told myself I would never do.

tbc