I know where the dispensary is. He whispers.

Everyone knows where the dispensary is. I reply in a disparaging tone. Its not a ***** secret.

I know its not a ***** secret, he says sarcastically, his eyes shining in the dark.

Then whats your ***** point?

The point is, I know how to get in.

I could feel the blood rushing through my veins, my mind was telling me one thing my heart was telling me another.

Get out of my ***** room. I screamed at him. On this occasion my heart won out.

I dont know when it is exactly, maybe its the next day or the day after that, but we talk again, his name is Matthew. And he has a one, track mind.

Listen Tina, the dispensary.

What about the dispensary? For crying out loud, its locked. You cant get in there. Theres a ***** steel Trellidor across the counter. Will you forget about the ***** dispensary for just a minute.

Why am I talking to him, I shouldnt be talking to this jerk, Im not interested in drugs any more, Im clean. I have been for nearly a month. I dont need them anymore.  .

He grins at me.

Im a locksmith Tina. Did I tell you that?

Thats when I should have walked away. I was clean and wanted to stay that way. So why, the ***** didnt I? What the ***** was wrong with me?

That night Matthew and I are in the dispensary together we are so high neither of us knows what the ***** we are doing.

Were clutching at each other and whispering, at least we think we are whispering, were snorting with laughter and Im on Matthews shoulders reaching for a bottle of something or other on the top shelf when everything literally comes crashing down on top of me.

I fall to the floor, and even though Im high from the drugs I feel the overwhelming sense of guilt flood my whole being from what I have just done and I break down, my entire body shaking from the sobs reverberating from within

I want to scream out at the top of my voice, but my vocal clarity eludes me.

Instead I just sit with my knees clutched to my chest, rocking back and forth. Weeping and whispering, over and over.

Im sorry, Im sorry.

Why am I being punished like this? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this living *****?