I dont deserve to be happy, thought Jenny. She sat alone on her narrow bed, knees drawn up under her chin, listening to the familiar sounds coming from the kitchen. Shed gotten used to hearing Shane and Carmen together in the house. She heard them talking and laughing together, she heard them watching movies together, and most nights, she heard them ***** together.

Jenny never loved Carmen”not the way she loved Tim, and not even the way she loved Robin. Rather, she loved the sense of reciprocity in her relationship with Carmen. She loved wanting her, just as she loved being wanted. She loved the feeling of skin on her skin, and lips on her lips. What she hated was the idea that Carmen preferred that skin and those lips to be Shanes.

In the kitchen, Carmen shrieked with laughter in response to something Jenny had not heard. Resting her forehead on her knees, Jenny felt the four walls of her bedroom closing in around her bed. Suddenly, she could not ignore the pounding in her head. I have to get out of here, she said aloud. Shane and Carmen didnt notice when Jenny slammed the front door. Just outside, she paused momentarily, unsure of what to do. She was sure that talking to Mark would do no good. She thought briefly of going next door, but then remembered that Bette was in her own crisis. Anyway, Tina had always been better to talk to. Jenny sank down on the steps of her house”the house her and Tim had shared once. Oh, Tim! she whispered. I miss you. Thinking of Tim, Jenny tore backwards through her memory, searching desperately for the last time she was happy. She was shocked at the image her memory came to rest upon. Immediately, she knew where she had to go.

The house had stood empty for months. In fact, it had never gone on the market. Jenny stood in the backyard, surrounded by darkness, gazing at the blanket of lights below. She remembered the gentle touch which shed encountered for the first time in this very spot. She remembered the kiss more vividly than any experience in her lifetime. The tears came”she was powerless to stop them. She wept bitterly and violently, terrified of the loneliness stomping hard on her heart. There would never be another woman like the woman shed had in this house. The realization came crushing down on her head. It wasnt Tim she missed. It was Marina.

Sinking to her knees, Jennys sobs shook her small frame. MARINA! She screamed the name over the neon lights below her. MARINA! The name felt foreign in her mouth. Somehow, she felt that by screaming this name, by forcing it out of herself, she could be rid of all the vestiges of her desire for her. She could not have been more wrong. Just as the second shriek left her throat, a weak light appeared in a second-story window behind her. Jenny was to stricken to notice it. She knelt behind Marinas house, utterly alone”feeling nothing but a great pressure, pushing down on her.

Jenny? spoke a deep, heavily accented voice. Jenny didnt turn. The voice was too familiar, too dreamlike. If she turned around, there would be no woman”only the voice, taunting her loneliness. But then there was a hand, a gently reassuring touch on her head. Not wanting to, Jenny leaned back into the touch that she knew, without seeing her, was Marinas. The hand left Jennys head, and was replaced by two strong arms around her waist, and a body pressing against her back. The voice was hoarse and laden with emotion when it whispered, I love you, Jenny.

When Jenny stood, the body stood also, her arms still holding Jenny firmly. Still not quite believing that the presence behind her was Marina”hoping it was, wishing it wasnt”Jenny turned toward it. Her heart sank in fear and guilt and desire. Marina stood tall over her, her soft brown eyes foggy, her full lips slightly parted. Her hands pressed firmly on Jennys shoulders, exuding confidence in her ownership of Jenny. But Jenny knew better. Any notion of ownership Marina may have had was shattered when Jenny chose Robin over her. It had been shattered when Marinas grief nearly killed her.

Electricity surged between their bodies. There seemed to be a magnet force pulling them together. Jenny resisted fervently”she would not relent first. She was overcome with relief when Marina, seeming to read her thoughts, pulled her close. Lightly stroking Jennys newly cut hair, she whispered in her ear. Im in love with you, over and over. Marinas hot breath in her ear made Jenny feel things she had long ago forced herself to forget. Jenny buried her head in Marinas shoulder, wrapping her arms tightly around the beautiful, exotic woman before her. She loved Marina”but she couldnt say it again. She couldnt get hurt again.

Before she knew what was happening, Marinas lips pressed to her neck, kissing her hungrily. Her hand cupped Jennys ***** and pulled her closer. She knows I cant resist her, though Jenny desperately. She knows I cant say no. Pressing her forearms against Marinas stomach, she roughly pushed her away. Jenny backed away slowly, her large brown eyes full of smoldering desire for the beautiful woman before her. Marina reached out her hand towards Jenny and parted her lips to speak, but seemed to decide against it. Closing her fist, she covered her mouth with it, willing herself not to call out to Jenny, not to tell her what she felt. She watched Jenny until she disappeared around the house. When Jenny was no longer visible, she sank down to the ground. Tears did not come easily for Marina, and her pain was not manifest as violently as had been Jennys. She did not scream, or tremble, or weep. It would have taken a careful observer to notice the silent tear that raced down Marinas cheek as she lay down in the grass.

***

Jenny laid facedown on the floor in her bedroom. Shane and Carmen made love in the room across the hall”Carmens low moans of pleasure were familiar. Her bed was inches away, but the comfort it offered didnt appeal to Jenny. She still felt Marinas hands on her body, and her skin burned where she had touched her. Alone in her room, she couldnt remember why shed resisted Marina, when her body begged for her to give in. Shutting her eyes hard, her body trembled violently. She had no more tears, but she had plenty more grief. Now that Marina was so close, she missed her more than ever”and being with her had never been so impossible.

The stars illuminating the black sky reminded Marina of Jenny. Everything shed seen these last few months had a similar effect. The grass scratched against her neck, motivating her to do what her heart was demanding”to get up and follow Jenny. Yet, her brain advised against this. Shes resided in her old house for only a few days, since she arrived back from Italy. She wasnt ready to face everyone, or to explain what shes been through after Jenny turned her away. Perhaps shed never be ready to face them. But they were not the reason for her return to Los Angeles”Jenny was. Still, a visit to Jennys home in the middle of the night would only complicate Jennys life, forcing her to explain things she would not be able to explain. Totally conflicted, Marina studied the night sky, and thought of her.

Jennys head was a vacuum. She couldnt remember the last time that she had been totally devoid of thought or reason or logic. Her mind was not in control of her body”a body that was walking at a brisk pace back to a luxurious house overlooking the city. She was running back to Marina. Knowing she was close, she slowed her pace to a slow walk. Suddenly, thoughts flooded her brain. My heart is going to be broken, she thought. The weight of that reality almost knocked her feet from under her. She started to turn back, but she stopped. Just yards in front of her, she saw the most beautiful woman she had ever seen in her life. Marina stood on the sidewalk, staring at Jenny. Her usually kempt hair was windblown and disheveled, mascara ran down her face, and her dark eyes were clouded and sad. Yet, she had never looked so lovely. They gazed at each other for an eternity. It was Marina who took the first step.

Responding to her initiative, Jenny ran to her. Somehow, in a flurry of emotion, their mouths found each other and they kissed each other eagerly, kisses without grace or dignity but full of raw longing and desire. Outside Marinas house in the warm city air, they held each other.

***

Jenny was the first to tear her lips from Marinas. As the taller woman looked down into Jennys big eyes, thick with emotion, she was assured that Jenny wanted the same thing she did. Wordlessly, she took Jennys hand and led her inside. Inside Marinas luxurious bedroom, they sat on the edge of the bed, not touching, not speaking. Both were remembering the first time they had been together in this room”when Jenny was still with Tim. Theyre love that night had been fresh and new and erotic. Gazing into each others eyes, each woman felt something different tonight. Nothing was new or fresh, but there was emotion in their eyes that had not been involved that first night. Turning towards Jenny, Marina touched her face gently, cherishing her flawless skin. She gazed into her eyes until Jennys heart seemed to combust within her. She felt as though she would die if Marina didnt make love to her. Sensing Jennys desire, Marina kissed her”tenderly at first, then deeper.

Jenny savored the familiar taste of Marinas tongue in her mouth as she caressed it with her own. Jennys fingers tangled in Marinas long hair while Marinas hands did other work. Reaching under Jennys flowing peasant top, she effortlessly unclasped her bra and Jennys ***** spilled into Marinas hands. She gently kneaded the sensitive flesh, rubbing her thumb in small circles, teasing Jennys hardening nipples. Oh God, Marina! whispered Jenny, as she reached down to help her remove the shirt. Now topless, Jenny swung around and straddled Marina, working the buttons on her expensive blouse loose one by one. Without warning, Marina grabbed her arm firmly. In a voice husky with passion and thickly accented, she said, We shouldnt do this right now, Jenny.

Jenny was too shocked to respond. She looked into Marinas eyes, but they were suddenly hard, giving nothing away. Weve both done this before, Marina continued. Im in love with you, Jenny. There must be another way to show you that. Still, Jenny was speechless. She hadnt come here tonight for other ways of loving Marina, or of being loved. There would be time for that later. Tonight she had wanted to worship Marinas body, the body of a woman she loved violently and passionately. Please, Jenny whispered Marina. But Jenny said nothing.
Suddenly, she felt indescribably vulnerable sitting astride Marina, completely exposed to her. Silently, she swung deftly off the bed, and grabbed her shirt. Yanking it over her head, she moved towards the door. Walking away, she looked back at Marina, sitting upright on her bed, absently smoothing wrinkles out of the sheets. She did not look up at Jenny. She couldnt.