“I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, Dana. No one have ever made me happier than you.” She whispered, both to Dana and to herself, because she needed to say this once more. Just once.

Dana’s body became limp as she finally stopped breathing. Her eyes were still open, staring into what seemed to be beyond the ceiling. Maybe she was looking into eternity. Now the only sound in the room was Sharon Fairbanks cries, as the older woman left the room to look for and find comfort with her wandering husband. Alice stared down at Dana. Without letting go of her hand, she leaned down and closed Dana’s eyes with her left. She couldn’t have said how long she sat there, just looking at Dana. Trying to come to grips with the fact that she was dead. Still, she held her hand. It was heavy on her palm.

It might have been hours later when the Fairbanks returned to see their daughter for the last time, but they didn’t stay long. Mr. Fairbanks just couldn’t bare it. A nurse finally came in to see Alice, touched her, and offered words of comfort. Alice didn’t listen, and she didn’t want to leave, but she realized that she had to. Before letting Dana go, Alice kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her nose and her eyelids, while she was trying to not let the tears drip down on Dana. When she exited the room, all she wanted was to run back inside, but her legs kept walking straight forward towards the phone. Her right hand was paralysed; her skin and nerves still remembered the weight and feel of Dana’s cold hand. Alice picked up the phone and dialled Shane’s number with her left. It would take one week before she used her right hand for anything, and almost a year before she let anyone touch it again.

–

“I just don’t know how I’m supposed to go on, Shane. I don’t think I can. I just feel like I don’t know who I am. I don’t know how to live anymore. It’s like I lost it. Like I don’t know myself anymore. Like she took everything that was me with her And all that’s left is this shell that I don’t know what to do with” Alice whispered. She had actually felt an urge to talk to someone for the first time in a long, long while. Shane had seemed happy to hear from her. They hadn’t met and hardly spoken since the night a few months ago when Alice had made it painfully clear that she didn’t want Shane’s company. Back then, she didn’t really comprehend or even care that she might have hurt Shane when she pushed her away like that, but as she slowly started to wake up and step out of her bubble, she realized she had treated her friend badly. She had been too wrapped up in her own pain to see that Shane was hurting as well. All that Shane had asked of Alice was comfort and companionship, and she hadn’t even been able to give her that. That made Alice feel ashamed.

“At least you’re talking now to me now. And you’re actually thinking about moving on and not just about staring into the wall. ” Shane gently put her hand on Alice’s neck.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you, Shane. I know you miss her too. I’ve been really selfish.” Alice made direct eye contact for the first time.

Shane sighed and looked back at Alice. “It’s okay, Al. I tried to imagine how you must feel, but I don’t think can I’ve been so worried about you. I was so afraid you might try and do something to yourself”

“God” Alice put her head in her hands. “I wanted to.” She whispered, so quiet Shane almost couldn’t perceive it. “But I couldn’t.” Alice confessed, still hiding her face in her hands. Shane let out a sob and drew Alice to her almost violently. Shane’s reaction surprised her, and she patted her arm clumsily in comfort. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m not thinking about doing it anymore.”

“You promise?” Shane sobbed, while clinging to Alice. “Because I couldn’t take it if anything happened to you”

“Shhhhh.” Alice silenced Shane’s agitation as she stroked the messy dark hair. “I promise.” A month ago, Alice wouldn’t have been able to make such an honest promise. But now, something was changed. She couldn’t really tell what it was. Maybe it was Bette’s speech to her. Maybe time had finally started to heal. Maybe she somehow realized she had to get up and get out. The grief and the loss was still there, present in her every thought. But for the first time since that morning eleven months ago when she lost Dana, she felt that life might actually go on for her somehow. And that would be all right.

The End.

–

“I can’t see my reflection in the waters,
I can’t speak the sounds that show no pain,
I can’t hear the echo of my footsteps,
Or can’t remember the sound of my own name.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waitin’,
Yes, and if I could hear her heart a-softly poundin’,
Only if she was lyin’ by me,
Then I’d lie in my bed once again.”
~Bob Dylan