Cheating that first time was pretty easy, as I mentioned before, but I made myself suffer all evening long waiting to be caught. The euphoria from the liaison still permeated my senses, but I worked hard to mask the residuals lest I aided Tina sooner in discovering my indiscretion, and that was to be avoided at all cost. Fortunately for me, the motel had a shower, which I relished under with water searing enough to cleanse anyone of their sins; diligently scrubbing any primal scent from my still tingling body. The clothes were another concern, but I devised a plan to discard them into the dry cleaner bag as soon as I reached home. Thank goodness, Candace wasnt one to wear a lot of make-up or doused herself heavy in perfume; I dont know if I would have been able to cover up my activities as successfully.

When I came home from work, early considering the hectic schedule I maintained trying to set up the Provocation exhibit, I hadnt expected Tina to be there already. Shed been busily ensconced with her work lately at the Center. Although, it also seemed, at the time, she was more than happy to stay away from the house and from me for that matter, as much as possible. So, I was quite startled to find my wife enjoying the remains of the day lounging on the back patio. She was equally surprised, though not pleasantly, to hear me come in, as she had wanted some time to herself. Fortunately, my unannounced return did not cause any suspicion on my part, just mild irritation on hers.

There was no kiss that accompanied her greeting, nor did I reach out myself reminding either of us just much she meant to me, which was sad, but relieving nonetheless.

Hey, babe. What are you doing home so early?

Tina couldnt quite cover up the slightly strained quality of her tone, I could see her forcing herself to relax a bit before she continued.

I thought you were working late for the exhibit, like you have all month.

So much for relaxing. These days, sarcasm just came out her, naturally and effortlessly, which bothered meand Tina, I supposed (rather, hoped) as it was not in her nature to be so negative.

Sensing Tina was in one of her mood, I approached cautiously wishing to stave off a potential argument/disagreement/whatever our conversation had the potential to be reduced to this time around.

Oh. Well, I had another stressful day, and decided to ***** work and skip out early.

Mentally, I cringed at the choice of words, but at least I was being somewhat truthful.

Hmm Well, you have been working hard, so I suppose you do deserve a break.

Tinas reply sounded genuine and thankfully lacked the hint of annoyance she carried into the kitchen with her.

What are you doing home? I thought you had a big project at the Centerand didnt you have an important meeting with the city this afternoon? I asked, concerned that the meeting didnt fare well.

Yes. That was this morning, Bette, she corrected but its nice that you at least remembered. Sorry. I guess, Im a little stressed too.

I could see Tina processing something after her apology, then study me expectantly, like she was looking for the telltale signs shed come all too familiar with that warned her of an impending blow up in her face. I didnt give her any, as I fleetingly began to question if by acting contradictory to what she was expecting was I raising any suspicions to my faithfulness. Actually, I didnt dwell on it much as my mind was preoccupied in its own right.

Anyway, my meeting wrapped up sooner than I expected, so I told Oscar that I was taking the rest of the day off. He really didnt object; in fact, he encouraged that I enjoy whats left of the afternoon. Something about being appreciative for all the hard work Ive done for him and the Center in the short time Ive been there.

Lately, the only time I saw a glint of sparkle in her eyes while we were conversing was when she would talk about work or share how she was helping the kids at the Center. It was just another dig in my already breaking spirit.

Since Tina was so caught off guard by my presence, then annoyed that I was even there, as if I was disturbing her peace or something, the initial nervousness at what I had done seemed to dissipate as I watched her passivity dictate our less than loving conversation. I cant even remember if I felt bad for my extracurricular torridness at that moment. Come to think of it, I hadnt. I was too deflated by the realization that my wife, my soul mate of seven years, wanted to be anywhere but there standing with me in the kitchen, both of us serendipitously home early from work with the rest of the evening free to ourselves. But I dont blame her.

As I listened to her speak, my mind wandered, questioning when the relationship turned sour. Thats not the right word; foreign and bitter better described what we became. It seemed that Tina wasnt giving much thought to our relationship by that point, so why should I? I clung onto that rationale for as long as I could get away with it. Doing such allowed me to continue with my liaison with Candace, then with the others; however that rationale, a buoy of pragmatism in the beginning, eventually turned into a sinking ship that brought me down with it.

In one of our many impassioned heart to heart talks, months after the walls of Jericho came crumbling down around us, Tina admitted that on more than several occasions, whenever she would look at me, all she would want right then and there was for me to leave her alone. It didnt matter whether I was engaged with her somehow or doing my own thing in close proximity to her; she started to not like being in the same room with me”this, I guess, went on between after successfully inseminating Marcus sperm and just before the discovery my extramarital romps. Plain and simple, she didnt want me around. She recalled starting to feel suffocated, or did she say she was being stifled? Same thing, almost. But even so, it was hard for her to reconcile those ill feelings towards me, her dutiful wife, while she was pregnant and about to have the family she had always yearned for. Once she miscarried though, the motivation to keep those feelings at bay waned as she continued along her embittered path. How did she put it, oh yes, she “stopped looking toward me for the support she desperately needed to help her get through the emotional roller coaster; my strength no longer craved or a necessity for her healing over the life that was ripped out of her.” Ouch.

I let Tina return to her oasis as I remembered that I wanted to shed my close and cover up any accidental clues they might give away. I made a mental note to take them to the dry cleaners first thing in the morning, a task I was now charged with doing myself. I didnt mind, I suppose, I just had to get used to it. I was having to get used to a lot of changes then: changes in the relationship dynamics, Tinas new work schedule, her exercising that became near obsessive, and the fact that the less time she spent with me, the lighter her mood appeared”she slowly distanced herself away, and I was powerless to bring her back from the abyss I could see her heading to. Pretty ironic, since that was her complaint of me initially, the distancing that is. I guess we both were caught in similar cycles and were too absorbed in ourselves to recognize what we were doing to each other.

I know Im no martyr and Im beyond far from perfect, but I felt I was at least emotionally present as much as I could have been outside of the incredible demands of my work. During that last year, I was the sole breadwinner, which put an unbelievable amount of pressure on me; knowing that I would have to support our family on my income alone. Then, with the whole Faye Buckley debacle, I thought I was going to lose it all, my sanity, my job…my credibility. If I didnt have a job, how could I support a family?

So, I toughed it out; I called Faye on her sanctimonious bullshit, even took a few low-blow punches from her on live television; placated to Franklins ridiculous rigidness”hes such an ungrateful twit; quietly grieved the loss of our baby; and suffered Tinas increasing alienation. I was the caregiver, which meant I had to be in control for us to have our a family. So, I sucked it up and toughed it out, even though my own commitment to the marriage started to vacillate as a result of the insuperable stress I was subjected to; not just from work and the religious blow-hard Buckley, but from the love of my life who I believed would always be there to lift me up whenever I felt like I might fall, but who was now painfully proving me wrong…

I did love her, still do with every fiber of my body, but at that time, with everything going on, I began to question how much I was in love with her. That was a big pill to swallow and it scared the ***** out of me.

So, Tina eagerly returned to the solace outside, while I busied myself with stuff around the house. We eventually ate dinner, another chicken dish, conversation was light and meaningless, then we retired to our own spaces in the house, spending the remaining evening with our work we each had brought home. Tina appeared to have nary a clue that evening about my, *ahem,* which stunned then depressed me further contemplating the implications. Dont get me wrong, I didnt cheat to seek attention from Tina. On the contrary, I slept with Candace to escape Tina and the life I was not really happy with at home. Some kind of response, however small or trivial, may have made a difference”if she had sensed a shift in my demeanor, or acknowledged the new light in my darkened weary eyes, maybe the betrayal would have been short lived. But how could she have truly seen anything when her own eyes were veiled behind whatever woes were consuming her? No, she didnt notice a thing and she certainly didnt notice me that night.

It was a disheartening lesson to learn (one of many) that cheating was in fact easy, and I willingly yielded to it.



TBC