The day Alice stopped by my office for a quick visit and to check in to see how I was doing”I had been too preoccupied with work and distractions to spend any time with her or any of our other friends”my nerves were on a tight tether poised to violently snap me back to the reality of my crimes. Candace was gone at this point, but after her came a couple of brief liaisons with two other women I met on two separate week-long business trips to Manhattan and Chicago. I didnt plan for either to happen, but what can I say, I had already made my bed the month before, so I continued to ruffle up the tainted sheets without much hindsight. The Chicago artist was still fresh in my mind, and the escapades were now eating me up inside as I sat at my desk ignoring the proofs and paperwork that had piled up in my absence.

I came home from the last business trip the night before to a still distant wife who half-heartedly acknowledged my return with an unaffectionate youre back. I wanted to go to her and embrace her in a warm hug; tell her that I had missed her during my back-to-back trips; and wished she were there with me, away from the depressing house that was quickly losing its once vibrant energy. I longed to express how much I loved her; and if she had been with me on the trips, maybe we could have spent the time reconnecting and recommitting ourselves to each other. Maybe, just maybe, we could have rediscovered that spark that no longer shined in either of our eyes. If she had accompanied me on one of these trips, then maybe I would have found the strength in Tina that I missed so much, to keep me grounded, sane, secure. My own strength had all but diminished, especially after Candace, but I knew that if we tried, really tried, to look deep into each others soul again, to find that special place in our hearts that only we have the keys to, I would have had the fortitude to fess up to my wrong-doings. If any of this would have happened, I would have had the hope that after much diligent work required of me to rebuild the sacred trust between us, weour marriage would have survived. And, if she were with me for at least one of these trips, I wouldnt have sought comfort in another womans arms.

As Alice stood there with a frothy latte offering that morning, I stared blankly at the wall opposite my desk reflecting how empty my life felt at that moment and how the cheating failed to assuage the staggering dread that was consuming me. My eyes, fixated on nothingness, brimming with unshed tears I suppressed for weeks on end, had yet to focus on Alice whom I desperately wanted to talk to, but didnt know how or where to begin. The first tear fell from my right eye, and I still hadnt spoken a greeting. Within seconds of that lone tear snaking its way down my cheek, Alice realized something was terribly wrong and approached me tentatively, all the while, her eyes desperately searched out mine.

In all the years she had known me, I dont believe she had ever seen me in such a forlorn state.

Bette, whats wrong? Whats going on? her worry was unmistakable.

Alice was all I could manage before I broke down into a fit of sobs, my head shaking in my hands. I turned my chair to face the window not wanting to appear completely broken in front of her as the torrent of tears continued pooling themselves in my trembling hands. A few minutes had passed, and Alice remained patiently at my side waiting, lightly stroking my quaking shoulders.

Oh God, Alice! I dont know whats wrong with me. I feel so helpless like, Im drowning andand, I cant seem to come up for air. I gulped before the next onslaught of fresh tears took over.

She turned my chair around, grabbed my hands, and ushered me into her full embrace. The comfort she provided was sweet, but undeserved. I knew she was oblivious to my despair or the intricate problems between Tina and me, but I suspected she had at least spoken to Tina since she lost the baby and knew a little of what was going on in her head. Rather, I prayed that Alice knew something, anything about Tinas latest mood, as she was reticent to share anything with me since the miscarriage. If I couldnt be there for Tina”scratch that, if Tina didnt want me to be there for her”then I only wished that she would let a friend, a confident, like Alice in a little. Maybe, Alice would be able to illuminate a darkened path out of the bleak loneliness we were imprisoned in at home. But I even struggled with the possibility of Tina reaching out to Alice; questioned whether or not Alice would be able to remain loyal to me if she knew the truth or would abandon our relationship like Tina was sure to do once I owned up to my infidelity.

Those thoughts and my despair were too much for me to handle just then, so I pulled away from Alice to sit on the couch, distancing myself from both the comfort and friendship I no longer was worthy of.

For as much as I feared losing my relationship with Alice, I needed to at least get some things off my chest and was relieved for the unexpected visit that allowed me some penance. After a few moments, I was finally able to compose myself enough to share my fears, as I surely was a friend in need.

Alice, have you talk to Tina lately? I mean, really spoken to her?

Yeahwe met at the Planet yesterday morning. Why…what are you getting at?

How did she seem to you? I mean, how was her mood?

I was torn asking this question. Did I want her to be happy or lighter by my absence, or did I want her to be as miserable with our friends as she had been acting with me? Either way, both responses were going to hurt. The sad thing is, my brain didnt even venture to consider another response at that time, that perhaps she would be unhappy because she actually missed me, for I knew this confession wasnt even in the realm of possibilities.



TBC