No matter what anyone tried to cheer us up, it didn’t work. When the kids weren’t around, all we ever did was wallow in our sadness. When they were around, however, that all went out the window and we tried to be has happy for both of them as we possibly could. We laughed and talked as though our family would remain whole, even when we were sure that it wouldn’t.

This dance between sorrow and faking that we were okay continued. Kallie was taken to see her mother at one of the conference rooms at the front of the prison, without Alice and me attending. Helena took her though, so we knew she was all right.

Alice was a wreck the entire day. From the second Helena had left the house with Kallie, she’d been crying. Charlie was with my parents that day so she didn’t have to pretend to be fine, and I think it was a relief for her.

“I know it’s crazy,” she told me, “but I keep thinking I’m never going to see her again. That her mother will have found some loophole that will allow her to keep her from today on, and we’ll never be allowed near her again.”

“That won’t happen,” I told her, but I hugged her to me anyway. “But I know how you feel.”

“I know it’s not rational,” she replied, starting to cry as I held her. “But I can’t make my head shut up.”

“It’ll be all right,” I assured her, although I had no idea whatsoever if that were true. I said it for my own sake as much as hers, because I was terrified.

When Helena brought Kallie home that afternoon, Alice took her immediately and went into her room with her, presumably to read a story. She did this before Helena had a chance to say anything, and I apologized as soon as she’d left the room.

“It’s all right, I completely understand,” Helena told me. “I don’t know what I’d do if I were in your position. I’m so sorry, Dana.”

I nodded, trying really hard not to cry. It didn’t exactly work, and Helena hugged me. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. There’s still going to be quite a long time until we’ll know anything for certain.”