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    Lifeline – Chapter 9

    Story written on January 10, 2011 by gr8d8.
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    Number of Comments: 20
    Words: 7373
    Story Shortlink: https://lesfan.com/?p=76730
    Author Notes:

    The List and The voice in Bette’s head.

    Why had she assumed she would have to be in charge?  What was wrong with her?

     You have a pretty big ego.  It’s one of your problems.  It’s always been one of your problems.

     It’s not about ego, she told herself.  It’s about responsibility.  I feel responsible…for making sure things turn out right.

    Nobody expects you to take responsibility for everything, Bette.  You put that on yourself.  Give yourself a break.  Let the doctors be in charge.  It’s okay.  Nobody blames you.  You didn’t do this.  You didn’t do this.

    Walking back to the waiting room she felt herself welling up again.  She had never cried so much in her life.  Where were all the tears coming from?  Surely she was dehydrated by now.

    It’s okay to cry.  You can cry with me…

    Goddammit, Tina!  There’s no way you can be in my head.  I’m just losing my grip.  I haven’t slept…

    You need to sleep.  It’s gonna be okay if you sleep, Bette.

    Oh, no you don’t!  I’m not falling for that.  I made a promise and I’m keeping it.

    Even if it was a dumb idea?  It was well-meant, gallant even, but not very practical.  Certainly not responsible…

    Now wait just a fucking minute.  Am I actually being harassed by my own conscience?  Just pipe down a minute, will you?  I’m getting a headache.

     

    She pondered all that the doctor had said, about how it was up to Tina in a way, that her mind and body controlled much of her future (and mine, Bette thought, petrified).  They could only react to what she gave them…

    How long had that been true for her?  She mused.  Reacting to what Tina gave her…

    And then it came to her in its entirety and she hadn’t even known she’d memorized it.   It was everything that she felt and couldn’t articulate before.  And as though she was hearing them for the first time the words poured out in a torrent of emotion, spilling from the depths of her heart…

     

    Don’t go far off, not even for a day, because–

    because— I don’t know how to say it; a day is long

    and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station

    when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

     

    Don’t leave me, even for an hour, because

    then the little drops of anguish will all run together,

    the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift

    into me, choking my lost heart.

     

    Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;

    may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.

    Don’t leave me for a second, my dearest,

     

    because in that moment you’ll have gone so far

    I’ll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,

    Will you come back?  Will you leave me here, dying?

     

                                                           -Pablo Neruda

                                                             Sonnet XLV

                                    

    TBC

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    Comments

    1. Ahhh…Heartbreakingly beautiful, Nell. Tears welled in my eyes too as I read and re-read The List, the dialogue in Bette’s head and Neruda’s immortal words. Thank you, Nell, from the bottom of my heart. I can’t remember the last time I read a post as poignant, as romantic and as poetic as this. A thousand times thank you for sharing this beautiful love story, Nell. Hugs, mm =)

    2. That was so heartbreaking and beautiful, it made me cry. I left it for a while and just came back to read it again …. and it made me cry again! Thank you so much for this powerful and moving story.

    5. My Lord, I’ve read a lot of beautiful love stories on this site over the years, some made me cry buckets and made me hurt and sad all at the same time. But this chapter is the greatest example of complete love and adoration I have ever read anywhere at anytime in my life. It points out the complete connection they have with each other. At first I thought it was showing that connection they have with each other, and that may be your intention but, whatever your intent was this chapter has exceeded it. It is the most poignant thing I’ve ever read regarding the love between two poeple. Bette is famous for making lists but, this one is so very complete and beautiful showing just how much she loves Tina, the video that Bette mentioned at the end and the Neruda poem took my breath away and made me cry buckets all over again. Thanks for sharing this wonderful story. Hopefully Tina will wake up after listening to all the things that Bette wants to play for her and I think this will do the trick and, of course, Bette talking to her. Simply beautiful and amazing. Thanks again.

    6. I hope you come back very soon and continue this story. Yes it’s sad but very beautiful. I love the conversation in Bette’s head and her devotion to Tina, so very touching.

    7. I finally caught up with incredible story. I know that you started this story way before the AZ situation but it seems to fit what is happening in real life. I trust that you keep Bette from going crazy and making herself sick while Tina is fighting her own battle to live.

    10. Hi gr8d8, This is so touching and emotional. The real shame is that often in life it takes life-threating events to focus us on the important things. Bette and Tina have such a complete connection. This story encapsulates this perfectly. I just adore it. Many thanks for sharing it with me. A Fan.

    12. This is so beautifully written. You have expressed the love they have for each other incredibly well. Your characters really come to life the way you have written them. I’m really enjoying reading this story. Thanks so much for posting this.

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