Lost – part 1

“I wish I really could lose myself up there. Have an out-of-body experience and never return? Become so still that the world around me continues, but I dont. Something, anything, so I wouldnt have to deal with…me.”

Bette lay on her back, floating on an air mattress in the middle of the pool, staring up into the dark sky. Tears slowly leaked from the corners of her eyes, unheeded in their familiarity. She had lain there for hours and knew dawn would soon arrive. She wished it would never come. She wasnt ready for new beginnings.

After she and Tina had…fought? and Tina had stormed out of the house…out of her life?…she had curled into a ball on the bed and sobbed…howled?…until she could produce no more tears, and no more sounds. She had pummeled the bed into submission, as she had tried to pummel Tina, as she really wanted to pummel herself. When the storm had passed, she felt an overwhelming need to cleanse herself, not of Tina, but of reality. She ran for the pool, stripping with each step, ridding herself of… of what?

She plunged into the cool water head first, swimming beneath the surface of her world as long as her breath held out. Maybe she sought oblivion, maybe she sought rebirth. Maybe she just sought. When she could swim no more, she slid onto the floating mattress and simply existed.

At least, she tried.

Her body was exhausted, her emotions beyond that state, but her mind would not stop.