Tina she is my life. When did I stop telling her that? I suppose it just happened gradually. Did I get complacent? So used to having her around that I took her presence for granted. But I didnt, even if I didnt tell her often enough how important she was – is – to me. She is my everything.

I felt so helpless when she lost the baby. I didnt know how to help her. I had to be strong for her, so I didnt let myself mourn our loss. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do. Obviously. All I really wanted to do was hold her in my arms and protect her from the world, and let her know I would take care of her forever. But the damn world wouldnt let me do that, even for an evening! I was so angry when those protesters came to the house, I could have torn them limb from limb. How dare they violate the sanctity of our home?! How dare they add pain to what Tina was already feeling?! How dare they!?

I remember feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, and all I could do was keep going. I couldnt let Tina down. I couldnt let myself down. I had to keep going. I had no choice. I felt so alone that night. So very alone.

I guess I started feeling alone even before that. I knew I couldnt share any of my apprehensions about the baby with anybody, really. Tina was determined to get pregnant, and then to be healthy for the baby, and if I confided in her she would have seen it as lack of support. Kit would have blown me off, like she did with that daddy blues comment. Daddy wouldnt have listened, since he cant even recognize Tina as my wife, much less our child as part of the family. He would definitely have belittled me. Foxworthy would have told me I was psycho, or something. The girls would have all been on Tinas side and called me a bad partner, and bad parent, when it came to that. Maybe.

Maybe I should have trusted somebody. But Tina is the only one I completely trust, and sometimes Im still scared to trust even her. I am so scared of losing her that sometimes I am afraid that if she knew everything I was thinking or feeling she wouldnt want to be with me anymore. I try to be everything for her, but what if she knew how short I really fall of that goal? Would she stay with me out of pity? Out of commitment? I want to her to be with me for who I am, not for who I am not. Yet I rarely show her my whole self, do I? *****.

Its not like Im hiding things from her, specifically. *****, I hide them from myself most of the time. Look at me now, bawling my eyes out because even writing these things down fills me with fear. Even though I know that I can delete them with a push of a button, that nobody needs to ever see these words, I am so terrified that my hands are shaking. Yet, I am compelled to keep writing. I have this need to finally let myself go. Thank gosh for kleenex, or Id short out the computer with my tears.

Why the ***** did I sleep with Candace? ***** – I think I just figured it out. Because she offered me a place to hide without any strings attached. No demands, no connection, just a place to hide. Like I used to do before Tina. Everything was so out of control, so awful, I just wanted to check out for a while. No thinking, no feeling, just lust and escape. How absolutely asinine. Im such a jerk. How in the world could I ever think I was worthy of Tina? How can she ever forgive me? I cant blame her if she doesnt, because I know Im not a big enough person to do it. My only chance is that Tina is a much better person than I am, something I have always known.

I promise, God, that if Tina comes back to me I will spend every day of the rest of my life proving to her that I deserve her. Not that I could ever deserve her, but at least I can show her that I recognize her love and that I am grateful for her, and that I love her beyond comprehension.

I am so very tired. So very, very tired. I still want to stop the world and get off. But not without Tina. Never without Tina. She is my world.