Tina tried to tamp down the inner dialogue she’d been having with herself ever since she kissed Bette before her New York trip, but finally gave into it. It seemed to her that as of late, there was an undertone, a murmur of an old tension between them. Was it wishful thinking on Tina’s part, or was she reading too much from an inflection she supposedly sensed? I know her. Bette had a moral voice that impelled her to speak the truth and was never one to suffer fools gladly, so for her to dance around a conversation and make idle chatter was torturous. Besides, she feigned casualness poorly – her voice went up a pitch and she smiled too much. Bette never understood why she always lost at poker, Tina mused.

     Inexplicably, she remembered her confession to Bette after their first night together. It was true: Bette had ruined her. Tina had never met anyone, man or woman, who matched her intensity or sensuousness. No one had ever desired her so openly – one darkened glance from Bette and she was lost …

     A door creaked open somewhere overhead and slammed shut loudly, startling Tina from her thoughts. The echo of footsteps propelled her up the stairs.

~~~~~

     Back in her office, Tina picked up the empty cassette box labeled ‘Bette Finds Out About Partner’s Pregnancy’. Watching the tape earlier that morning, she wasn’t really sure what to think at first, apart from the fact that Jenny was actually sweet at one time. But it was mostly another reminder of Bette’s Jekyll-and-Hyde personality – how she could be so willfully ignorant and self-absorbed one moment, then thoughtful and tender the next. Bette could always say what she thought other people were doing wrong, but barely admit her own shortcomings: it was all she could do to disguise the profound effect of her father’s affair and her mother’s subsequent abandonment.

     Early on, she only saw that part of Bette come out with her father and sister, the people whom she loved and was hurt by the most. So when it finally happened with her, Tina dealt with it by ignoring it, her wish to avoid strife overriding her own desires and opinions, dissolving away until there was only Bette. And there, she had no one to blame but herself. Tina must’ve thought a thousand times in her mind about why Bette betrayed her, but did she ever direct her so-called self-perception toward herself? If Bette acted out of ignorance, it still didn’t excuse her own behavior – why else did she bring Helena to Dana’s engagement party? She could’ve stayed at Joyce’s to make Bette jealous, but it would’ve made less of an impact. What is the mature thing to do when your lover sleeps around on you?

     But still no matter what Bette had done, Tina never wanted her to think that she hated her. She sat back in her chair and absently rubbed her ring finger. What was this that she was feeling?

~~~~~

End Chapter Eight of Ten