Me, I’m Not…9

Ch 15

In sickness and death…….For better or worse…….Till death due us part…….

 Vows, words, sentences.

 The meaning?

The event its self is a fallacy, an illusion of grandeur and acceptance. And honestly a bloody waste of time and money. I am so bitter. So lonely and dirty on the inside. I am actually enjoying this dismemberment of my sanity. The stately schools, the years of manners and training on the proper way to approach life….all flushed, down the preverbal toilet. Here in the low point of my life, sitting on the floor of a roach infested motel in Tijuana of all the places on earth, eating greasy food on a paper plate that Shane thank god had the good sense to procure….all I have to ask; is this the absolute end of me?

Lord only knows.

 And the above mention words, words about love and marriage and commitment well I was beginning to believe that all of it was catching up with me. On to a new time. And perhaps to a new theme. On to the belief that I could have them both if they went for it which I knew they would not.

And now on to the show……….

“So those words….they meant nothing to you?”

“Carmen please……..I don’t want to answer those questions…….”

“You don’t want to answer these questions? They make you uncomfortable?”

“A little…..yeah…..pass the bottle…..please.”

A glance from Carmen in my direction. In the dimly lit room our shadows played with each other on the walls, they created a drunken illusion that we where in this together, laughing and living the high life. In reality my vision blurred wonderfully…

Carmen was dry now, her hair curling naturally, Shane was also devilishly drunk toying with both of our feelings. Every time she looked at Carmen she caught my returned engagement of a glance. The rain pelting the tin lined roof of the motel. The teenagers carried on unaware of the panic coursing through all of our veins…..

After a long moment Carmen did pass the bottle to Shane. Shane trying to catch the slightest feel of Carmen only to have her pull away. I wonder what Shane hopes to accomplish? I mean to ask. Shane takes the longest drink of the evening and hands me the bottle. I suddenly feel like one of those ducks you see at the amusement park shooting range.