I wish she knew just how much I regret the stupidity of my actions. As the clock ticks, it drives a pain into my heart. With every ticking motion, I’m not with her. I’ve had 3 years of this sound constantly filling my thoughts. Time I would never get back nor did I want to in some sense, my years had been filled with misery and unpleasant sexual experiences.

Although I had assured myself that I would stay celibate, I needed sex like a drug. I needed that connection to drown out all the noise- believe it or not my thoughts were non existent during that time they always had until that fateful night at Helena’s place. The noise was alive; her moans were music and beautiful symmetrical images within my thoughts. I don’t know how she managed to get into me so deep; physical and emotionally.

Black and white images of that night; portrayed her beauty better in my mindset than colour. The beauty in her smile as she moaned at the touch of my hand caressing her sun kissed skin.

I used sex as my escapism; with her it was never a diversion of myself. As I lay down with different people week after week I found myself wanting it rougher and rougher. Anything to feel again. Anything to escape being me.

As he would pound into my body; I could feel by mind drifting off unto a subconscious universe I had created. I did not care for him, nor did her care for me. He was my pawn as I was to him. It was like a business exchange except instead of papers it consisted of bodily fluids. His rather than mine.

Men were my way of avoiding sex with women. I’d had sexual encounters with 2 women after Helena, it was too intimate the feel of their skin. It was nothing like her’s, I didn’t feel worthy of such delicacy. I went for these women for two reasons only they looked like her and I wanted to feel for awhile what it would be like to be back in her arms.

I couldn’t escape the fact their touches, smell and overall appetite was completely the opposite to Helena’s although they struck up a similar resemblance, that’s where it ended. So after that I swore until I had an opportunity to explain myself to the woman who I loved and would always carry a torch for, that I wouldn’t sleep with another woman until she told me there would never be any hope. Even then I didn’t see myself with another woman. Yes I was gay, but having sex with women didn’t appease to me unless it was her.

As I sat at my computer desk, I continued to edit other documentaries I had been working on. I replayed how that night many years ago Helena came to view the footage. The kiss so raw; the wanting we both had for each other. But the painful truth of hurt that was yet to come, devastation at my cruelty and complete disregard for her. I wish so desperately that I could take what I did back. Start over. I wished so hard.

******

I found out where she worked through asking around, her name always ignited a reaction whether they were male or female. Her name had this aura surrounding it, her prestige and fortune; and caring heart ensured that she was never forgotten. Not that you ever could for even a split second.

I built up the courage over the passing days, this was it. Thursday night and I was heading over to HIT I had been told she now co-owned the club with Kit. As much as I didn’t want to cause a scene in her establishment, I had to know. I had to know if she could forgive me and if she didn’t want to talk with me I would respect her wishes. I owed her that; respect.

As I reared the car into the parking bay I could see the luminous sign light up the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street to me. I was profusely sweating although the air wasn’t warm, the wind was light but I felt like I had been sitting directly in the sun.

My heart kept pounding leaving me twinging at the pain it left with every beat, I was nervous about seeing her again or not being able to see her at all. I was hoping that as it wasn’t the weekend the club would be pretty mellow and not full of party-goers. I wanted, no I needed to see her more than ever.

I made my way to the entrance paid the fee and made my way to the lumination of the bars backdrop of lights. I needed a little dutch courage, just a small one. I still needed a clear mindset to be able to address her in a way I hoped she would contemplate forgiveness.

I ordered a sambuca, I needed to feel the affect straight away. As I felt the cold liquid collide with my warm tongue, it contrasted it and produced a much needed hit. I felt more in control of my head.

As I looked around, I saw a lot of women I now understood that this was a definite ladies night. This would make this equally hard in my search for Helena if she was even here. I made my way through small ambushes of crowds that huddled together in tight spaces. The overall feel of the club consumed me to think Helena had been behind it’s success.

The red and black themed walls, set well with me contrasting my inner thoughts of darkness and pain. But yet in the same breath, I saw elegance and love, lust, passion all the things she was.

I see a dark haired brunette a few metres in front of me, I can see the curvature of her body’s silhouette from behind. She wore a deep purple dress that rested tightly on her thighs, as I observed her more closely I saw she complimented her outfit by wearing black t-bar heels. That showed the muscles in her calves, her hair was loosely scrapped up into a messy bun, as the light shone brightly I felt the air get misty. I took a deep breath, I was sure it was her. The more I bore my eyes into her body, the more sure I was she was indeed the woman I had been looking for the past 3 years of my life.

I fought my way through a group of women dancing in front of my direct route to her, I made my apologies as I shifted my body through them all.

I shook myself and wiped my sweaty palms onto my jeans. Bringing my hands up I placed my left hand on her shoulder. I waited for her to turn around.

It felt as if my hand had been on her body for a lifetime in the time it took her to break from her conversation with a blonde woman.
Her head moved in slow motion, my eyes searched for those eyes I would never forget.

My gaze was met with those enlightened green magical portals, her smile quickly faded as she turned her body to face mine.

There was silence between us as the music continued to play. I looked at her, I was taking my time to allow myself to run over her body, forever instilling every small part of her into a giant canvas that consisted entirely with photo’s of her. She was more beautiful than I could remember, as the years went by my vision became blurry only in desperate times of need would I see her clearly.

Her hair hung loosely around her face, she looked elegant. Helena had this sexy sophisticated look that she held down so well. I could feel my own desire ignite at just the sight of her amazing body and grandeur of her face.

It was then I noticed maybe I had been staring for too long, as she caught my eye line again. Her eyes, so intense yet she still hadn’t spoken a word.

“I know I am probably the last person you want to see, but in all the time I’ve been gone I haven’t stopped loving you. I just want a chance to explain. I don’t know if you got the letter I sent you, I still feel you deserve an explanation.” I watched as her body language became cut off. She folded her arms; her way of letting me know not to invade her personal space. I shuffled myself back alittle, careful to not upset her anymore.

“Yes I got your letter maybe 3 years too fucking late Dylan. Did you think I would just say ok Dylan I’ll forgive you for ripping me off and fucking breaking my heart?. How the fuck did you know I would be here?” Her voice was full with distain towards me.

“No I didn’t think you would forgive me just because of the letter I sent, I’m sorry for everything I did to you. I can’t express how much I wish I never did what I did.”

“You’re sorry. You’re fucking sorry. I haven’t seen you in 3 years and that’s all you have to say. You can’t think you can waltz into my club after all this time and just think sorry will cut it. You betrayed me like no one ever has before, and you know what Dylan you won’t get the chance too again. I think you should leave.” Her eyes portrayed a confusion that didn’t sit well with me, her eyes darkened to a misty grey. Something I had never seen happen before.

“I know if you give me a chance to explain properly, not here somewhere quiet anywhere so I can talk to you alone. Its just I need you to know….”.

“I don’t need to know anything, I suggest you leave of your accord before I get security to make you leave”. She was hurt, I didn’t want to cause her anymore hurt than I already had.

“It’s ok I’m going now. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you by coming here tonight”. With those words I made my way back through the flow of crowds. I hadn’t come to cause her more pain, I just wanted to explain. I was seeking forgiveness but most of all the release of burden that had been heavy on my heart for most of my life. The burden just got heavier as the years went by with Helena I just wanted everything I didn’t have.

As I walked the small distance to my car, I curled my hands into fist. I didn’t know what I had expected; I hadn’t actually thought about how she would react to seeing me again. I couldn’t blame her for still being angry.
I placed the car key into the door, thinking about my defeat. Would I try again?

My thoughts perturbed as I felt the force of a blow to my body sinking my body into the frame of the car door. I turned my body to find Helena had inflicted the pain of that blow.

I couldn’t quite make out her frame of mind her eyes wouldn’t let me. She stood there forcing my arms to be pinned to the car. The force was extreme; her hands glasping my bare arms. As the blood flow slowed. Her knuckles went white with the force of her grip.

I didn’t dare to speak, I wasn’t scared. I deserved anything she gave me.

“Dylan, why are you back?”. Her voice was relatively calm, as she slightly eased her grip on both my arms.

“I want you to know how sorry I am. I haven’t been gone Helena. I’ve been biding my time, waiting until I felt maybe there could be a chance that you wouldn’t hate me.” I stared directly at her, I had missed her so much over the years. I didn’t think it was possible to feel aroused slightly at her rage and anger directed towards me.

She released her grip flinging her hands down to the side of her body. Her stance was much weaker and open to me.

She didn’t speak for a few minutes, “Biding your time takes 3 years does it?” She spoke softly but I could still hear a slight tone of anger in her words.

“I would wait for an eternity if that’s what I had to do, I’ve been around just waiting for the right time to approach you. I have been trying for years to reach you, I guess it was selfish of me to find you and make you face me without being given the choice. I’m sorry I came and ruined your night.”

I watched as she brought her hands up from her sides to wash over her face pushing the fallen hair off her face. She nervously stood there following my eyes. She undressed me with her eyes, the slow sensuality of the way our eyes could betray our words. Her eyes travelled down my body; making me feeling like I was pinned to the car again and the arousal progressing further between my legs.

She pushed me with force into the car door once again, I was caught off guard by just how strong she was. She pinned my hands down as she pressed her body into mine. My core was weakening with her every move. Her grip was tight but not threatening, as I was close enough to smell her skin. The sweet smell of her skin filled my nose; it hadn’t changed it was just intensified from how I remembered it to be.

She moved her face to explore mine, her eyes weakening they were serene in the moonlight. Her skin brushed against mine, her cheek brushing past my lips. My lips reacted almost simultaneously with her caress, placing a small kiss as she brushed against me.

She leaned in further, I kissed her cheek wildly forgetting any reservations I may have had earlier. Her breathing was as heavy as mine, as I could feel how wet I was becoming from being underneath her body.

Her face drew in to face me, my lips met hers as she turned inwards. The urgency of my lips seeked her tongue within my mouth. I sought entrance to her mouth, her tongue danced with mine as I moaned into her. Her grip kept me from moving my hands, I wanted to cup her cheeks but she had stopped me from doing any such thing.

She took me by surprise as her tongue ran over my bottom lip. Creating a response to my need of sexual hunger. In all the times we kissed it was never so abruptly dangerous, even with me being with Danny and our secret love making. It was never like this.

Her eyes were closed, wired tightly shut. Her face was even more beautiful as the moonlight only enhanced her beauty and skin tone.

She pulled away and looked at me instantly releasing her hands that pinned my arms, she looked deep into my eyes and then turned on her heels making her way back towards the club.

I was left abandoned there. As I watched her walk away from me.

“I still love you and I hope you let me prove it to you”. I called after her. She didn’t glance back not once.