Watching in vain as Kristie conversed with Bette, then gave her a passionate kiss before Bette turned around and they made a move to leave.

Bette: Ok, lets go Tinaand talk.

Tina: (nervously) Ok Bette, lets go!! Tina knew todays conversation could contain the defining moment that would determine how she lived out the rest of her life………….and she was ready!!!!

Tbc.

Chapter 18

Bette and Tina droveseparately to the Waterfront. They agreed that would be safer and if either of them wanted to leave, at any stage, during their discussion; if it all got too much for either one of them, they would be free to do so.

Both women knew that the ensuing conversation was going to be one of the toughest they would ever have to face.

Tina was first to arrive at the meeting spot, sitting on the bench, noticing the morning rays of sun skimming over the ripples of waves in the ocean.

There were a few people around, walking their dogs, playing with their kids, jogging; it was the perfect spot to meet and chat, tranquil. and private.

Bette arrived a few minutes after Tina, observing her sitting on the bench; she couldnt help but take a moment to just gaze upon the woman, who she lived and breathed for 7 wonderful years of her life, a life that now seemed so long ago.

Up until a few hours ago Bette had pretty much made her decision she had decided that she was going to remain with Kristie, she loved Kristie and they would be happy living out their lives together.

No matter how much Bette would regret not having another chance with Tina, she came to the conclusion that she would regret hurting a wonderful woman like Kristie more.

Tina and her could be friends and Tina could be part of Jacks life. Bette, somewhat ignorantly, thought that would be the best possible solution to their whole dilemma.

That was until Tina Kennard walked into the caf with the gorgeous brunette, Dr Stephanie Hunter, and Bettes world flashed before her eyesWhy does it bother me so much to see Tina with another woman???? Bette thought to herself.

She knew the answer all right, but was afraid to admit it admitting why, even to herself would mean Kristie would ultimately be hurt!!

Bette began to feel overwhelmed by her emotions; tears began to subtly stream down her cheeks as she stared at the woman before her, the woman who once completed her life.

Just when she thought she knew what she wantedwhen she had made the toughest decision she may have ever had to make, a spanner was well and truly thrown in the works, and Bette felt as though she was back at square one.

Bette wiped away the evidential tears and cautiously approached Tina.

Tina turned around almost sensing that Bette was approaching.

Without thinking Tina stood up and gave Bette a light hug, which Bette eagerly reciprocated. That turned out to be a bad idea, both women feeling their familiar connection in each others touch, putting them both slightly on edge.

Tina: (weakly smiling) Hey Bettewhy dont we sit?

Bette: (politely) YeahOk!

Tina and Bette sat down at either end of the bench, gazing at each other, locking their eyes with the others; an uncomfortable silence enveloping them.

Tinas palms were beginning to sweat, she could feel her stomach churning; she had to commence this discussion before she lost all her nerve.

Tina spoke, initially startling Bette, (nervously rubbing her hands together) Ok Bette.. So could we start maybewhere we left off the other day?

Bette: Yeah, ok..the affair.. thats a good a place as any. Bette moved her body around so she was facing Tina.

Taking Tinas soft, smooth hands in her own, Bettes eyes met with Tinas and she began, TinaThe affair with Candace, seems like so long agoit almost feels like it was in another lifetime. I am such a different person now, so youll have to bear with me ok!

Tina nodded and Bette took a deep breath continuing, Ok..At that time in our relationship Tina, we were together but we were also so far apart. I think it all started for me, after you lost the babysorry, no after WE lost our little boy, Tee (tears were welling in both womens eyes at the mention of their little boy) I felt I needed to be the strong one, not cry or show any emotion. I had to take care of you, get you through that. I considered that to be my role. but I think in the process I shut everything out of my heart, that was the way for my head to deal with our lossUnfortunately I realized too late that I had shut you out of my heart too I mean you were still in there but my feelings, my love for you, was buried so deep that I actually at one stage questioned my love for you.

Tina interrupted for a minute, (sadly) So you didnt love me, even back then. Why didnt you just tell me BetteWhy didnt you just leave? tears were flowing freely down Tinas cheeks. Bette didnt even love me when we were together, how could she possibly still love me nowGod!! This is not how I wanted this to go. Tina thought lowering her head, her tears falling, creating a puddle in the sand.

Bettes heart broke, she was hurting Tina all over again, not being able to formulate the right response, her words coming out all wrong. She swore she wouldnt do that, ever again. Godall I ever seem to do is hurt Tina, she would be better off without me anyway Bette thought.

Bette put her hand under Tinas chin and lifted her face gently, till Tina was again looking into her eyes, (adamantly) NO listen to me TeeI was more in love with you than I ever thought possibleI loved you since the first moment I saw you, and every single day after thatI just couldnt find my heart, I had closed it downturned it off, to deal with my grief alone, to try and be strong for you. You were my heart; you were my everything Teeand I just couldnt find you either.

Part of Tina understood, for some reason, what Bette was saying to her, (regretfully) I suppose I didnt make it easy on you I didnt think about your feelings, I was just so consumed with my own grief that even if you hadve tried to find me, I probably wouldnt have respondedI wanted our little boy so much BetteI wanted our family SO much.

Bette could see the regret and sorrow in Tinas eyes and she remembered feeling exactly the same way.

Bette: I did too baTeeI did too. Bette leant over and hugged Tina tightly, both women crying in each others arms, finally, after all this time, all be it briefly, mourning the loss of their little boy..together.

After a few minutes the two women composed themselves wiping away their tears.

Tina: (quietly, shyly) So when did it start Bette?.. And most importantly why? I need to know why? To understand why? Tina was almost afraid to hear the answers, even after all this time.

Bette: (hesitantly, she wanted to choose her words carefully and not cause Tina any more angst than necessary) Um..The weekend you went to Palm Springs Tee, Candace. she kissed me(dropping her head in regret) and I kissed her back

Tina: (disheartened) God Bette.All that time.

Bette quickly responded, No thats all that happened then. and I told her I couldnt let it happen again!!

Tina: And??? remaining surprisingly calm.

Bette: Ok, The affair.It started 3 days before Provocations. Tee. God.I didnt even allow myself to be naked with her. We had ***** twice and thats all it was Tina *****.

Tina: (her anger bubbling just under the surface) So.she mustve had something you wanted, you went back for seconds?

Bette: It wasnt like thatCandace took control and I just needed to give it up, even if it was just for a few regretful moment.

Tina: And you couldnt give up control to me Bette? Didnt I please you?Didnt I turn you on anymore? Why couldnt you come to me for *****?

Bette: I couldnt just have ***** with you TeeYou meant to much to me(trying her best to explain) I know that makes no sense at all, but I need to give up control and I didnt want you to think less of me; think that I couldnt handle the situation..Tee I wanted you to be proud of me! looking at Tina and ironically smiling, I know I went entirely the wrong way about THAT!!

Tina: (calmly) Ok Bette I can accept all that, but why?

Bette: You were so upset, so hurt, I wanted to be strong for you, take away your pain. I tried to hold everything together and you know what, I couldntI realized later when I started analysing our relationship with a psychiatrist that .

Tina interrupted, (a perplexed look on her face) What?..What did you say? You went to see a psychiatrist?

Bette: (laughing at Tinas expression) Yeah I did

Tina realized that this woman in front of her had really changed, Wow!! raising her eyebrows.

Bette: I came to the conclusion that it wasnt about my love or my want for you.. It was my need to escape my life. it just go too much for me and I was too stubborn to admit it, even to myself I was overwhelmed and weak and Candace was there

Bette: Thats why now I dont hold things in. and I dont put too much pressure on myselfI never want to hurt anyone like that ever again Tina. EVER AGAIN!!.(sombrely) The look on your face that night as you left me, burned a path right through to my heart and left a permanent scar..(Bette placed Tina’s hand over her heart) and that scar ensures I will never forget Tee!

Tina just wanted to know one more thing, That night of Provocations though, you two looked like more than just ***** buddies your touch was more.. intimate thats how I knew

Bette: Tina I really think I wanted to be caught. I was on a destructive course and I needed to get offI hated myself and that meant shutting down even more..Think about it I couldve talked to Candace anywhere, out of everyones view but I didntbelieve me no matter how intimate it looked, you were the only one I wanted intimacy with!!

Tina: (dejectedly) So she was able to give you something that I obviously couldnt?

Bette: All she gave me Tina was an out. A way to give up the control that I so desperately wanted. I dont know how to explain it properly Tee.I know I shouldve come to youI know we couldve worked it outbut my heart was still MIA and I just couldnt. My pride stupidly outweighed my heart.

Tina: (almost in a whisper) Ok!

Bette: After that night of Provocations I saw her once Tee. thats all, and the thingthe attraction or whatever we had..it was gone. (sombrely) I never regretted anything more in my life than hurting youthan being so careless with your heart!

Tina could see the genuine remorse in Bettes eyes, (resignedly) I know it was totally out of character for you Bette, but I didnt realize you shut so much of yourself off. Again I was too busy immersed in my own world.in my own grief, to see that your world was crashing around you. Im so sorry Bette. Tina realized that although she wasnt the one who went outside their marriage, they both contributed to its demise.
God, Bettewe couldve worked all this through Tina thought sadly.

Bette: (surprised) What?..I m the one who is sorry Tee. you will never know how very much!

Tina wanted to move on, she felt that Bette had explained why adequately enough for now, and she didnt want to dwell to much on the past, Bette was a different person now and she needed to know about the rest of Bettes life, Ok so after I left

Bette was glad they were getting off the affair subject, taking a deep calming breath, When you left. to stay with your mom. I called every day Tinaeveryday, and not once did your mom let me talk to you.

Bette: After a few months when I hadnt heard from you, I went to San Francisco to see you. All I was doing at that point was working and sleeping. That is what consumed my lifeI had no reason to go home, so most nights I would just stay at the CAC working and fall asleep at my desk.That was my life without love..without you Tee!!

Tina: (whispering) I know you came to San Francisco Bette. mom told me. (hesitantly) That wasthat was after the accident..I was already in the coma then.

Bette looked at Tina incredulously, (regretfully)Oh God Tinaif only I hadve knowI wish I hadve known

Tina: (comforting) Its ok baby. umBette. I know.

Bette looked away for a few moments, her tears threatening to fall, then looking back into Tina’s eyes she continued, A few weeks after I got back, I received your infamous letter. (Bette got teary eyed recalling the hurt that letter caused her) and although I was incredibly hurt by your words, I thought I owed it to you to abide by your wishes.I loved you so much that I just wanted you to be happy Tina and when that letter.your letter came, I believed youd be happier without me..So I knew I had to get on with my life, but I just couldnt. I couldnt get you out of my head (still cant Bette thought) so I did a lot of thinking, and I decided to have Jack, I used Marcus as the donor Tee, because I thought that would at least be this incredible little life that we still shared..Everyday I wondered where you were and what you were doing..I wanted so much to know if you were happy .I had the CAC in the same league as MOCA you know, we got all the best show, I succeeded immensely within my career. (sorrowfully) But I wouldve given it all up in a second, to have you back Tee..to have a second chance with you, looking regretfully into Tinas eyes.

Bette stopped and took another deep calming breath, this was tougher than she imagined, reminiscing about the last 5 years of her life, When I had Jack, it was the most rewarding day of my life..(Bette was now smiling) I felt an instant connection to him Tee, not unlike the connection we have, just as strong, but different, you know. I knew the minute I laid eyes on him that he was the one person in this world that I would die for..he made my life happy again. My life changed, for the better, from that day. Work became less important and my whole world centred around Jack, our little boy Tee Call me crazy but every day when I looked at him, I saw you. I was reminded of you.

Bette had to again, take a few minutes to compose herself. She let go of Tinas hands and got up facing the ocean, closing her eyes and breathing in the sea air.

Tina was overwhelmed too, at Bettes openness. The Bette Porter she knew wouldve never told her half of this stuff; never revealed her thoughts and emotions so openly. Bette Porter had grown while Tina was away and this openness, this vulnerability that she now possessed had Tina falling in love with her even more.

Bette sat back down and continued, so..I raised Jack with lots of help from Alice and believe it or not Shane (smiling) and about I2 months ago I met this brilliant doctorKristie Phelps. (Bette didnt want to go into too much detail, so as not to hurt Tina) We took it slow Tina, I was scared to let her in, but I finally did(compassionately) I love Kristie, Tee and she is so good with Jack. We area family!!

Tinas heart was pounding. When she heard Bettes declaration that Kristie and her had only been together for 12 months, Tina became slightly hopefulbut only slightly, because she also heard the love and family bit too!!

She knew Bette loved Kristie, she could see that, but Tina could still read Bette better than anyone and her eyes betrayed her. Tina could see the confusion and doubt in Bettes eyes and at that moment she decidedHere goes, all or nothing Tina, all or nothing!!! she was going to try and reclaim her love, her life and..her family!!

Tina knew that the way she was feeling, she couldnt be just friends with Bette. The more time she spent with Bette the deeper her love became, she had to have the whole package and as hard as it would be to walk away from Jack, as much as it would tear her heart out, she had to find out; it was all or nothing and someones heart was going to be broken

Tina looked lovingly, deeply into Bettes eyes, thinking to herself, here it isright here Tina; the defining moment of your life! Are you really ready? and she began, (terrified and vulnerable) Bette I love you, with all my heart. I have ALWAYS loved you..WE could be the family we always wanted. (sucking in as much air as her lungs would take) I want you to give me. to give us, a second chance at forever. will you be willing to do that Bette? Do you love me enough to do that?

Tbc.