NEW YORK MINUTE

CHAPTER 77

Tina was sitting reading the first of the scripts that Peggy had sent her. She was sitting at Bette’s computer and scanning through the first 10 pages of the script. After three pages she turned round and looked across at her laptop which was downloading the latest OS update onto her iphone and it looked like it was going to take all morning doing it and probably some of the afternoon as well. She didn’t often use Bette’s PC – it was easier for both of them to always use their laptops when they were doing anything from work to emails and games. Curiosity and a lack of enthusiasm about the script lead Tina to have a look around at the folders on Bette’s computer – like the woman herself they were ordered and logical. Tina opened the games folder and counted how many games Bette had bought for herself when she had been alone – they alone spoke volumes for isolation and her constant need to be “doing”. Bette was not a person who could sit and chill – she had to be improving her mind, her body or her bank balance. Tina was just reflecting on her partner when she saw a folder called “THOUGHTS “. Curious as to what was in there she clicked on the link and found several hundred documents all with the date they had been written on – Bette had spend some of her time writing her thoughts. Knowing that this was wrong did occur to Tina – she knew that these would contain some of her partners darkest moments. She stared all the list of documents for a few minutes before she clicked on one and read it

“Another day that I have survived rather than enjoyed. I find people so hard to cope with – even James who is understanding and has undoubtedly seen me at my worst – even James is someone I struggle to connect to at the moment. I went out to meet with Sue Floyd at lunchtime and she was running late  – sitting behind me in Alexander’s were four women who talked the whole time about alcohol – what wine was on offer at the local stores, what they had drunk when they had been on holiday. What struck me was its something that everyone talks about – its like discussing the weather  – its so normal but to me it isn’t . I hated listening to them – hated the talk of something that came so close to killing me. Its easy to say that I just have to accept that its something that I cannot have but that is so hard for me. It reminded me of all the times in The Planet when we were dissecting the night before – and it was always about the booze – who had drunk what – who was the drunkest and the girls – who had Shane scored with – who had she left crying. That all seems like a lifetime ago and I know that I am never going to get that back again. And that’s hard – hard that I might never see Tina or get any chance to right the wrongs. I would give anything just to see her again and tell her how much I love her and how I know that it was me who pushed her away -all I know is that I want her to be happy wherever she is in LA. As for me I keep working away –  I keep working everyday to be a better person – to be someone who one day will find someone who can cope with me. I really don’t think she exists – I am not exactly easy maintenance am I ? I don’t drink – I cannot drink – hate being near it – hate it when anyone comes near me with the smell on my breathe – well that’s more due to my fears that it will set me off again. I look like hell – I am never going to be the Lady-killer Bette Porter again am I ? There is so much that I CANNOT do and what is more important at the moment is there is so much that I don’t want to do because I am scared. Scared to even try and meet new people in case I get rejected. Where the hell is the old Bette who did things regardless of how scary they were ? Well she is long gone –  left behind when it became clear that I was killing myself with whiskey and drugs. I want to live which is why I stopped drinking and cleaned up my act but is this a life ? How can it be when there is no fun in it ? How can it be a life when I am the loneliest person in a city full of 8 million people ? Maybe one day I will be able to let the memory of Tina go but right now it’s the only thing that keeps me going “