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Nightmares? (Time of Day 3.14159)
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"Nightmares?"
“I don’t think I heard you correctly, Jenny.” Tina surveyed the Planet, wondering if somehow she’d, yet again, been dropped into an alternate universe.
Jenny, sporting a tiara, slumped her latest and largest bag onto the table. “I think you heard me just fine, Tina.”
‘I probably did,’ Tina thought, hoping her disgust wasn’t apparent on her face. “And your latest demand is…”
“I decree that if you want to remain in the running for my masterpiece, Lez Girls, you’ll sleep with me.”
“Jenny.”
“Tina.” Jenny pouted and straightened the newest doily she had draped over the top of her puce and blech velvet dress.
“This is unethical.”
“Perhaps.” Jenny kept to her pouting and straightening. “But you know you’ll do it.”
“I will?”
“Of course. And do you know why?”
A litany passed through Tina’s mind, and out her mouth before she could put a stop to the flow. “Bad scripting? Poor writing? Inconsistent characterization? Plotting by puppies?”
“Exactly.” Jenny smiled. “But you missed the most important reason.”
“Which is?”
“I’m the alter-ego of someone very important in this universe. If I want something, I get it.”
“But you’ve never wanted to sleep with me before.”
“Tina, a rational person might use such an excuse. But we’re speaking of artistry, of genius.” Jenny paused as if she could hear her own words echoing in her head. “We’re speaking of…” another pause, this just for dramatic affect, “of me.”
“Of course we are.” Tina rested her chin on one hand, and drummed the fingers of the other hand on the table. “Again.”
“And while outwardly me may show little reason to be a brilliant, yet tortured, artist. Inwardly, I know that I am all of these things, and I’m also irresistible.”
“I’m resisting you.”
“Are you, Tina?”
Tina steeled her gaze. “I am, Jenny.”
To that, Jenny let out an annoying sound, something between a scoff and a laugh. “Not for long, you’re not.”
“Haven’t you forgotten, Jenny, that I’m no longer intimate with women?”
“I was straight once, too, Tina.”
“Well, I don’t consider myself straight, exactly. I still identify as a lesbian.”
“A lesbian who sleeps with a man.”
“I suppose.” Tina was momentarily taken aback as Jenny, equally momentarily, made sense.
“Ha.” The brief syllable came out laden with condescension.
Moment dashed on the rocks of illogical story flow.
“Jenny, why not sleep with one of your many admirers? Or equally many agents?”
“Because to really mess up our little universe, whatever I do must have a bit of incestuousness.”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean in a friend sleeping with friend way.”
“At this point, Jenny, even friend is a stretch.”
“Oh Tina, you’re so amusing.”
“Want to know what else I am, Jenny?”
“Hmm?”
“Gone, Jenny. I’m just gone. I’m not even sticking around for this one to play out.”
“But Tina?”
Tina slid her table away from the table.
“How will you sign my book for your little studio, Tina?”
‘I really hate her,’ Tina muttered under her breath as she stomped out the door.
“What was that?” Alice asked as she passed by Jenny’s table.
“You mean Tina’s temper tantrum?”
“No,” Alice shook her head. “That was understandable given the amount of time she was talking to you. I meant what was that thing that you’re wearing before you started wearing it.”
“Oh, Alice,” Jenny replied in her condescending, mock-friendly tone. “You’re so witty.”
“Yeah. I am.”
“By the way, Alice, did you know you’re going to sleep with me?”
“Excuse me?”
“I deem it will happen.”
“Whatever, Jenny. But do you know what will happen?”
“What, Alice dear?”
“Somebody’s grandma is going to mug you to get her doilies back.”
“Oh Alice, you’re so witty. Again.”
Yet despite the bon mots dropping from her lips, Jenny found herself left alone. Again.
But isn’t that the state of the artiste? Alone? Waiting for the next willing slave to celebrate her genius?
The slave that she knew would be arriving soon. After all, she was Jenny Schecter, and she decreed it was so.
And it would be so.
Eventually.
Probably.
Right?
(the end?)
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Oh, Pseud, you’re so witty. This was so damn good and completely captures the essence of Ilene — er, Jenny. And this: “Bad scripting? Poor writing? Inconsistent characterization? Plotting by puppies?” is so on the money. Cheers.
Oh my god… that was so hilarious. And so dead on. Je adore.
that was fantastically funny! great dialogue! you must be a writer, for something better than the L word;)
I’m guessing the dog wouldn’t sleep with her either and that’s why it had to die. Lucky dog.
It was the doily that put Tina off. Even when someone has the shittiest attitude in the universe, just stick her in a doily and the deal is broken. Damn doilies. And I have pseud whispering through the air that I will fall in love…with…PSEUD OMGWTF!!!!!!!!! *hopes pseud isn’t wearing a doily*
That was perhaps one of the wittiest things I have ever read…brava!!
Excellent – especially after episode 9 – your humor provided the perfect antidote. You are wonderful.
i really like that…i’m glad that you went on to write this anyways! you did a really good job, i think you should be one of the writers for the L word…Ciao!
Hilarious, at first i though that you were gonna have Tina actually sleep with Jenny and i almost exited out of the story but for some reason i kept reading and decided i liked it. Funny, funny, funny! You may like Jenny sometimes but i havent liked her since the start of the second season, so this was a good chap for me :D Thanks for the post
“Somebody’s grandma is going to mug you to get her doilies back.”LOL – I can really imagine Alice saying this. Loved it!
Oh God this was hilarious. Spot on.
See, it’s this that I’ve been missing. The biting parody that is your gift. Thanks for the diversion. Not your every day fan fic, and it’s what I’ve come to expect from your mind. More please!
LMAO..totally can see it happening on the show at this point. Yeah more please!
I agree with tiff that you summed up the show. I love your wit and hope for more.
HAHAHAHAHA….whew…Plotting by puppies…..AH—HAHAHAHA!!! Oh boy….that was good!! I wanted to strangle someone after last night…Thank you for making all of this even slightly bearable. Yes, you should have done this and I’m sooo glad you did!! Thanks.
I wonder how Mia truely feels having to play such a shark and snake that Jenny is. Jenny has always been a weird individual and if she is IC’s alter ego then god forbid anybody that knows that woman. She can’t be that fun to be around and well she just scares the evil/hell out of me.
lol – that was hysterical. some grandma is going to mug you to her doilies back! Great. I hope IC actually reads this and figures out that the fans of the show actually care about character consistency and that pesky little thing called storyline….awesome post psued!
oh puhleeze carry on with this one! I love making fun of the artiste herself! very funny stuff! thanks…
Hahaha that was fucking funny and Jenny is so fucking weird and don’t think everyone want to sleep with her lol, thanks!!!!!!
Having to sleep with Jenny is indeed a nightmare
i loved it. i find no redeening qualities in jenny. wasted breath if you ask me. id rather have sex with my exhusband than sleep with jenny. and i detest my exhusband. this was fantastic. thanks.
ROFLMAO….ok I gotta say I laughed at this chapter and then almost fell on the floor laughing at the comments that followed. Funnyone…you almost cost me my drink being spit out on my screen! This was priceless Psued, I loved it!
OMG! That was fantastic pseud! Only you could write something as witty. Thx!
Hilarious! Jenny x ten.