Carmen was dreaming, but she knew that soon she would wake up. Because in her dreams she’d already realized that she was dreaming. And she also knew that when you know you are dreaming, you’re not really dreaming anymore. She could feel herself hovering down into the bed as consciousness slowly but surely kicked in, she could feel the sheets getting heavier on her naked skin but most of all she could feel Shane. She could feel the skinny arm that was resting on her back. She could feel her own lips resting against Shane’s warm throat, she could even feel Shane’s breathing. She opened her eyes but immediately closed them again. It was way too light in the room, they forgot to close the curtains last night. Carmen struggled to open her eyes again and propped herself up on one elbow. She looked at Shane who was still sleeping. Her pale skin looked even paler in the bright sunlight. Her full lips were a deeper color pink than usually. Carmen couldn’t remember ever seeing someone more beautiful than Shane. She remembered in high school when she was in love with one of her best friends, how someone’s beauty used to freak her out. Her name was Maria. She was so taken away by her that she didn’t have the courage to touch her. Not even to hug her like she did with all of her friends. She was so afraid that her crush on Maria was so obvious for everyone to see that she started to ignore her. Maria didn’t understand why, of course she didn’t. Carmen didn’t even understand herself. Maria kept calling but Carmen didn’t pick up the phone or said that she was too busy. One night Maria went by her house to ask her what was wrong. She remembered how her mother invited Maria into the house. Carmen was in her room, probably listening to some music. Maria didn’t knock but just opened the door. Carmen had realized then that ignoring her had only make things worse. Now she had things to explain she couldn’t even explain to herself. So she said she was sorry for not calling her back, but that it had meant nothing, that she had been really busy. They went back to friends but Carmen still felt like things had changed. They didn’t talk like they used to do. Maria talked to her about party’s, fights with parents or boyfriends, about the future. But Carmen never really said anything back anymore. She tried to remember what she had look like then, she was only fifteen. But she could only remember the white sneakers she used to wear back then. It was weird how good she could remember her shoes but couldn’t really remember her own face back then. She could remember how Maria looked clearly though. Long curly dark hair. Little freckles on her nose. Together they belonged to the most popular girls in school. Together they kissed boys to break their hearts later. Those boys never really meant something to Carmen and she almost started to think that she was incapable of loving someone, until she got a big crush on Maria. Not to mention falling in love with Lucia a year later. Carmen sighed. Those times seemed so long ago. Like it wasn’t really her life it had happened in. She had been so confused and lonely because of Maria. The insecurities, the doubts about herself, the most of them had all fade away. And she was happy about that.