Summary of the previous chapter: Alex and Bette share childhood memories with the gang as they party together at Milk. At the end of the night, everyone goes their separate ways.

Bette woke up and had difficulty going back to sleep so she decided to go into the kitchen for a late night snack. She was surprised to see Tina sitting at the table.

I didnt expect you to come home tonight. I never heard you come in.

I had Helena bring me home and then I couldnt sleep so I made some herbal tea. Would you like some? The water is still hot.

Bette went to prepare herself a cup of tea and sat down at the table opposite Tina. She also brought a box of cookies which she put on the table between them.

Tina opened the conversation. Ive never heard Alex talk about her mother before.

Its a subject she prefers to avoid. Bette responded. Alex is usually pretty good at avoiding subjects. I was surprised she mentioned it tonight.

In all the years that you and I were together, I was always amazed. Alex would be gone for months, even a year, at a time and when she would come around it was like the two of you had never been apart. You know, Alex comes and she tells funny stories about where she has been and what she has done and she catches up on everyones life, but she never really lets us know how she is. I always figured that she must do that in the emails that you send each other.

Not really. Bette said. I always figure that Alex will talk when she is ready.

She mentioned Catherine the other day. I was surprised,

Bette nodded agreement as she took a cookie. She talked to me about Catherine also. I found out something I had never known about Catherines death.

What was that? Tina asked.

I found out that their dog was in the car with Catherine and he died in the accident also.

Didnt you find out about this at the funeral?

I didnt go.

Tina looks surprised to hear Bette say that she did not attend the funeral of her best friends partner. Bette concludes that Tina probably thinks that this was because Bette was working and too selfish to leave work to attend.

She asked me not to come.

Why? Tina asks.

When Alex called to tell me about Catherines death, she asked me not to come to D.C. for the funeral. She said that she didnt want my last memory of Catherine to be a box lowered into the ground. Alex said that she would prefer to come out to LA to see me after things were settled. About a month later, she came out to visit for a week and told me that she was going to France for 3 months to do research for a new book. She has been traveling ever since. That was about a year before I met you. I wish you could have met Catherine.

Me too, she sounds really special.

She was, Bette said taking another cookie. You know, Kit told me once that you and I were like God had made us to be together. That is how it was with Alex and Catherine. It was as if they were born solely for the purpose of finding each other.

Kit said that about us?

Yes, she did. She told me that you and I were solid and that one thing I could trust in was our relationship.

Tina did not respond to this statement. Bette was thankful as she was sure that if Tina had responded, it would have been bitter.

Tina choice to address a safer subject. I had never heard the story of how you and Alex became so close.

I always figured that I didnt have the right to tell that story. I didnt know how Alex would feel about other people knowing the details.

You mean her mom?

Bette nodded and Tina continued. Was her motherabusive?

Depends on what you would call abuse. What would have been considered abuse in a working class neighborhood thirty-four years ago isnt the same as would be the case today. As much as I hate to admit getting older, Alex and I are from a different era.

She told me that. Tina said.

She did? Bette asked questioningly.

Tina responded. You know how Alex is always saying that things must be placed in their historical context. She told me that I needed to remember that about you. She said that you are a product of the attitudes which you were raised with.

Arent we all?

Some of us overcome them better than others. Look at me, I grew up in conservative North Carolina. I think I have lot forsaken most of the ideas and beliefs that I grew up around.

I guess it is easier for some of us than others. Bette responded as she took another cookie.

The irony, Tina began, is that Alex really hasnt changed.

What do you mean?

She told me that I had to understand that you and she were both raised with the idea that you dont talk about your feelings, you bottle them inside.

Bette nodded her agreement with that statement before Tina continued. But, you know, Alex hides her feelings. She is so good at talking about unimportant things in her life that you never realize, after the conversation, she never really said anything personal.

Bette thought about this for a while. You know, Ill never forget. Alex called me one day, I guess we were about fourteen and asked if she could come over to my house. She said that she had good news. When she got there, I asked what was the good news. She told me, I finally found out why my mother hates me. She had apparently found out that her mother couldnt have anymore children because of the complications of Alexs birth. I held her in my arms and let her cry. I remember so well because I finally got to see into Alexs pain.

That must have been so horrible for her.

Alex was always coming up with things for us to do, trouble to get into, she was always trying to have fun. She always said that I needed to loosen up. I never realized that she was distracting herself from dealing with her own feelings. You know, over the years, she and I talked about so many things. There was nothing we didnt discuss, but she was always so good at hiding her deepest hurts.

Bette sat thinking. I guess Alex and I are more alike than I ever realized.

Alex told me that she changed because of Catherine.

I think she did. I always thought that Alex let Catherine see her without her walls. Then, when she lost Catherine, the walls came right back up.

Did you ever let me see you without your walls, Bette? Really see you?

Tina, you and Alex are the only people whom I ever really let inside: Alex when we were younger and then you as an adult. I know that I am good at running and hiding and putting up walls when I am scared, but baby, I didnt always run and hide with you.

Why did you start? When did you start feeling that you had to run and hide from me?

Bette thinks before responding. Kit told me once, that I had the daddy blues because I was realizing that I had two lives totally depending on me to be a good provider. I think that was when it really started.

Because of Kit?

No, when I realized that she was right. I couldnt take risks anymore. What I did, canceling Impressions in Winter and then getting Provocations was a big risk and it paid off for me. Ive gotten my reputation because Ive taken risks. If I couldnt take risks anymore, how was I going to stay on top? If I didnt stay on top, how was I going to support you and the baby? Maybe that is what Candace was about. Maybe it was about taking one last risk, one final gamble before I had to put away my dice forever. Even after we lost the baby, I knew we would try again and have a baby. I guess I was trying to sow my wild oats while I could.

Why did you have to take a risk that would hurt me so much.

Because, Tina, I was selfish. I wasnt thinking about how if would affect you. I was only thinking about me. I turned forty last year. This year I turned forty-one and I realized that I had to change my life because we were going to have a baby. I was only thinking about me and what I was losing, that I was the one getting old. You are eight years younger than I am, you are still young. Once you hit forty, you are past your prime.

In all of our years together, you never made an issue of our age difference.

I never cared about it until I realized that I was over the hill and you were still young. I was an over the hill broad who couldnt take risks anymore and you were still a young woman in her prime.

Bette pauses to think for a moment. I dont know, maybe on some deep level that I didnt realize existed, maybe I did it because I was angry with you for the fact that you were still young and you could still take risks. Maybe I was afraid that you would realize I was a washed up old broad and you wouldnt want me anymore. After our friends had their intervention and told us how boring we were, it made me feel even older.

Bette, thats crazy. I think you are more beautiful now than you have ever been. I never thought of you as old, I never even thought about the difference in our ages and baby, Ive never thought of you as boring. Tina spoke before realizing what she was saying. Her words came out before they could be processed through the bitter filter.

I hear what you tell me, but this was about how I felt about myself: a boring, washed up old lady who had to play it safe. It was as if my life, as I knew it, was over. When Candace first started coming on to me you were at the Dinah Shore weekend with our younger friends partying and having a good time while the boring old lady had to stay at home and work. Deep down I guess I was worried that you would realize that you could have more fun without the old lady.

Your fears were totally unrealistic, but it sounds as though you have been thinking a lot about this.

Yeah, Alex said some things to me the other day that made me think.

Tina looked at her empty tea mug. Its late. I guess we should both try to get some sleep.

Bette wanted to stay up all night. She was happy that Tina was finally having a civil conversation with her. However, she realized that she needed to let Tina call the shots. Yeah, it is late. I hope you can sleep.

You too, Bette, goodnight.

Both women went to their separate, lonely beds and thought about the conversation that had just taken place. Tina was taken aback by now much Bette had shared with her; Bette was terrified that she had shared so much insecurity, especially to a woman who has made it clear how much she hated her.