Chapter 4

Tina danced around the bedroom with the stereo blaring her favorite Fleetwood Mac CD throughout the house. She danced as she folded a t-shirt and placed it in the open suitcase laying on the bed.

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining,” Tina bellowed in an off key voice at the top of her lungs.

“Players only love you when they’re playing,” Alice joined in scaring Tina causing her to jump back in fear.

“Jesus Alice you scared the shit out of me!”

“I knocked but your damn music is so loud there’s no way you could hear me,” Alice smiled. “By the way, the neighbors one block over want some new tunes.”

“Too bad, I’m not ashamed to admit I have a thing for Stevie Nicks.”

Alice sat down on the bed next to Tina’s open suitcase and began to thumb through what Tina had already packed.

“Excited about seeing Ma and Pa Kettle?”

Tina snickered and nodded her head as she batted Alice’s hand out of her way in order to put another t-shirt into her suitcase.

“Even you teasing me about my Southern roots can’t ruin this trip for me.”

“Would I try to ruin the trip for you?” Alice asked smiling innocently.

“I’m just saying,” Tina threw a sweatshirt into her suitcase. “I’m too excited to let you rattle my cage by poking fun at me.”

“So what are you taking to wear to the big hoedown on Saturday? Please tell me you opted for the cowboy hat and fringed boots?”

“A pair of Capri pants and a sweater,” Tina said as she swayed to the music.

“Interesting choice of outfits for an anniversary party,” Alice said mocking Tina. “Shockingly all of these clothes from what I can see seem interesting.”

“What’s the matter with them?” Tina asked.

“They seem much too casual for a trip home with your girlfriend,” Alice said shaking her head. “You’re a lipstick lesbian Tina and that comes with great fashion responsibility.”
Tina rolled her eyes as she began to pack her toiletries.

“What are you wearing for the jaunt down to Hicksville?” Alice asked as she surveyed Tina’s current outfit.

“This,” Tina said as she stopped packing and held her arms out for Alice’s inspection.

Tina was wearing a Yale t-shirt she claimed as her own from Bette’s collection when they began dating. She paired it with an older pair of Levi’s, complete with a small hole near the knee. The fray at the bottom was a sign of the pants being longer then they needed to be. Tina often wore them barefoot, as she was doing now, allowing them to drag slightly on the ground.

“You’re kidding right?”

“Not at all.”

“Are you at least putting on shoes?”

“My sneakers eventually,” Tina smiled. “You don’t like my outfit?”

“The Yale shirt is a bit much considering they might mistake Yale for y’all.”

Tina scoffed at Alice’s criticism of her outfit.

“You’re going to see your parents for the first time since coming out Tina. I’d dress up a bit more if I were you. They’ll think all of us are into the grunge look and I’d like to be represented as having better style.”

“That’s the beauty of it,” Tina said smiling. “They aren’t into all that. This weekend will be so informal that I can wear just about anything and fit right in.”

“Oh goodie because I told Bette she should be sure to pack some Daisy Duke shorts and a flannel to complete the ensemble.”

“Does Bette even know who Daisy Duke is?” Tina said snickering.

“I’m thinking not based on the look that crossed her face,” Alice smiled and laid back with her arms tucked behind her head and her eyes focused on the ceiling.

“Are you avoiding work?”

“I came to spend some quality time with you before you leave,” Alice said. “I’ll miss you while you’re gone.”

“I’ll miss you too, but I am so excited to go and finally see my family.”

“You know what’s cute?” Alice sat up as she strained to talk over the music.

“What’s that?”

“Just in talking about it, your cute little accent is coming out,” Alice smiled as she teased Tina.

“It’s not that bad.”

“Just wait until you get down there and Bette doesn’t even recognize your voice.”

“Oh she’ll recognize it,” Tina smiled seductively.

“Why’s that?”

“Because it comes out at other key moments.”

“Listen to you!” Alice broke out into laughter. “It’s getting stronger as the minutes tick by until you reunite with the Beverly Hillbillies.”

Tina picked up one of Bette’s pillows and whacked Alice on the side of the head with it causing her to tumble back laughing.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard your accent so thick.”

“That’s because those other key moments are between Bette and I.”

“So sex with Bette brings out the good ol’ girl in you?” Alice wiggled her eyebrows seductively.

“Or yelling, whatever one happens to be going on at the time.”

“You know what would be funny?” Alice began to chuckle. “Your first night there you should run through the ‘goodnight John Boy routine’ and freak Bette out!”

“We’re staying in a hotel so it would be pointless Alice. Besides, I don’t want to scare her, I want her to love my family and feel comfortable with them.”

“I can’t believe she’s going on this trip,” Alice’s tone turned serious. “I never thought I’d see the day that something takes precedent over a show, but I’ve seen it.”

“I bitched.”

“She folded.”

“I had to practically drag her kicking and screaming.”

“But she eventually let you drag her,” Alice countered. “Anyone one else would have been shown the door.”

“I’m worried,” Tina confessed as she sat down on the bed.

“About?”

“Bette meeting my parents.”

“Why?” Alice said surprised. “They seem accepting if they’re inviting her to their anniversary party.”

“They’re not like your mom Alice.”

“God,” Alice rolled her eyes. “Few people are and we should consider ourselves lucky!”

“I wish they had a slight edge to them like your mom does, then Bette could identify with them a little better.”

“Please,” Alice started to laugh. “Lenore was the mother that told one of my friends when she was 19 that she was the oldest living virgin and put her in tears!”

“She did not!”

“I’m as serious as you are gay,” Alice said with her hand raised in the air sporting the scout’s honor sign.

“I just want Bette to feel at home.”

“She will, if you give it time.”

“I only have a weekend for her to embrace my family,” Tina said sadly.

“Aren’t you worried about it being the other way around?”

“No,” Tina said with confidence. “I know my family will love her. I’ve bitched enough about Melvin that they won’t make that mistake by treating her like shit.”

“I’m sure Bette will love them,” Alice reassured Tina as best as she could. “Besides, if she doesn’t you can wrap a Yankee flag around her and turn the Confederates loose. Gives new meaning to the phrase meat tagged.”

“I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate that Al.”

“It’d be fun to watch,” Alice laughed. “I couldn’t imagine living in North Carolina.”

“It’s beautiful,” Tina smiled.

“It seems so strange that you’re going down to see your parents when all this time we were under the assumption you were raised by wolves.”

Tina snickered as she got up and continued packing.

“I was not raised by wolves.”

“They don’t come visit,” Alice pointed out.

“They’re not much for California.”

“Haven’t they been slightly curious what you’re life is like here?”

“I tell them what they need to know,” Tina said feeling dread wash over her.

“Tell who?” Bette said storming into the bedroom while taking off her suit jacket.

“Hey Babe,” Tina kissed Bette lightly on the lips. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“That’s because Stevie Nicks is drowning out our entire neighborhood.”

“Why am I the only one with an appreciation for that woman’s voice?” Tina asked snickering. “I’ll turn it down.”

Tina left the room to turn the stereo down leaving Bette and Alice alone together.

“Why are you so on edge?” Alice prodded.

“The show.”

“Not going well?”

“Not in the least,” Bette sighed. “Then I have to go to this thing with Tina.”

“It’s part of being in a relationship.”

“What is? Blowing off your responsibility at your job to go to an anniversary party?”

“Making sacrifices for the woman you love,” Alice pointed out.

Bette ignored the statement, not knowing how to respond, and grabbed her suitcase out of the closet to begin packing. Tina made her way back into the room and smiled at Alice, excited for their trip to begin.

“Are you avoiding work again Al?” Bette questioned as she began to thumb through her closet for clothes to pack.

“Can’t I just stop by to say goodbye to my dear friends?”

“Is that a yes?”

“Pretty much,” Alice said smiling. “Plus I didn’t feel like eating out so I was hoping Tina would have had something made.”

“We’re grabbing a bite at the airport,” Tina said apologetically.

“Damn, I’ll have to meet Shane and Dana somewhere then. I vowed not to cook this week and thus far, I’m doing excellent at it!”

“Why is that a goal?” Bette asked as she threw clothes onto the bed.

“Asks the woman that never cooks for herself,” Alice said. “I also wanted to stop by and offer my services. If there is anything either of you need while you’re away, let me know and your wish is my command.”

“It can’t be that easy for you to have a lobotomy while we’re gone,” Bette mumbled.

“I mean relative to helping out around here,” Alice clarified. “I wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth Porter. You know, that’s a good tip for you for the trip. Stay away from horses in general.”

Bette grabbed her garment bag in one hand and a black cocktail dress in the other, laying them both on the bed.

“What’s this?” Tina said looking strangely at the dress.

“It’s a black dress.”

“I gathered, but why are you taking it?”

“The party,” Bette said in a leading voice. “I planned on wearing it.”

“Oh God no,” Tina shrieked causing Bette to arch her eyebrow in question at her. “That’s way too fancy.”

“It’s an anniversary party.”

“Yes, which is also a very low-key event in my family.”

Alice got up off the bed as a means to interject into the conversation.

“And on that happy note, you’re favorite person is now going to leave the building like Elvis.”

“Thanks for everything Al,” Tina smiled.

“Be safe,” Alice waived as she made her way out of the bedroom, through the house, and onto the front porch. She burst out laughing and held her stomach. “God that was hard not to bust out laughing.” Alice walked down the steps and onto the driveway while tears streamed down her face. “Ma and Pa Kettle won’t know what hit them.”

Tina sat down on the bed where Alice once was and watched in horror at what Bette was throwing onto the bed.

“Babe,” Tina tried to interject as Bette continued to throw things onto the bed. “What are you packing?”

“Clothes,” Bette never broke stride as she took items off the hangers and placed them carefully in her suitcase.

“Why would you need a business suit?”

“Aren’t we going out to eat at some point?”

“Not where you’d need a business suit. You’re meeting my parents, not landing an artist for a show.”

“I thought it would be a nice gesture to take them out for a nice dinner,” Bette said trying to show her considerate side. “Maybe a nice seafood restaurant that they hardly ever go to?”

“We could take them to one,” Tina said deep in thought regarding the restaurants in that area. “Mom said they just opened a Red Lobster there.”

“What?” Bette steadied herself by placing a hand on the bed. “A what?”

“A Red Lobster.”

“Absolutely not,” Bette said loudly. “We’re going to be in North Carolina Tina. I know my geography may be a little rusty, but is it not along the Atlantic Seaboard?”

“Yes.”

“We are not going to take your parents to Red Lobster!” Bette said appalled at the thought. “That’s faux seafood and I am not eating there.”

“Bette I just know my parents aren’t the type to get all dressed up to go to some fancy restaurant,” Tina pleaded. “They like to be casual.”

“Fine,” Bette said exasperated. “What are you taking?”

“Shorts, t-shirts, a sweatshirt if it gets cooler at night, and an outfit for the dinner.”

“Shorts?” Bette cocked her eyebrow in question.

“What’s wrong with shorts?”

“You don’t even wear shorts here!”

“This is back home Bette, it’s not like it is out here.”

“I was afraid of that,” Bette mumbled under her breath.

“Let’s start with today,” Tina tried to take a logical approach to packing. “What are you wearing to the airport?”

“This,” Bette said as she stood facing Tina with her hands on her hips.

“Bette,” Tina sighed. “You’re traveling in a business suit?”

“I always travel in a business suit.”

“Not to meet my parents, you’ll seem stuffy.”

“Fine,” Bette said in anger trying to calm her nerves. “What are you wearing?”

“This.”

“Oh no you’re not,” Bette shook her head. “That’s one of my oldest shirts and those jeans are awful.”

“They’re comfortable.”

“They have a hole in them!”

“I’m keeping the shirt,” Tina said confronting Bette as she slipped out of her jeans. “I’ll change my jeans but I won’t give my favorite shirt up.”

“I want it back,” Bette said shocking Tina.

“You can’t have it back!”

“You do remember it’s mine right?”

“You only want it back because you don’t want me to wear it.”

“What difference does it make why I want it back?” Bette smiled to ease the tension. “I just do.”

“Elizabeth Porter I am not giving you my favorite shirt!” Tina slipped into new jeans and put her Nikes on to complete her outfit. “Now it’s your turn to give.”

“Fine,” Bette arched her eyebrow as she walked back to the closet and pulled out a pair of linen pants and a white casual shirt. “This is as casual as I’m getting for meeting your parents for the first time.”

Tina watched as Bette changed her clothes and carefully hung her suit pants and jacket back up on a hanger. She placed them in the closet and turned to face her lover.

“Better?” Bette inquired.

“Much,” Tina said smiling. “Now let’s talk about tomorrow. We’ll do some sightseeing in town I’d imagine so bring comfortable shoes.”

“I’m not wearing my cross trainers to walk around in.”

“Then when you have bloody stumps for feet Bette, I don’t want to hear about it.”

“Deal,” Bette said as she slipped her feet into a comfortable pair of designer sandals. “I’ll wear these and a pair of Capri pants.”

“With a casual t-shirt.”

“I don’t own any,” Bette said exasperated.

“You own Yale ones.”

“You take them all,” Bette laughed. “I haven’t seen a Yale t-shirt since I started dating you. But aside from that, it isn’t exactly my style anymore.”

“Borrow one back.”

“How does one borrow what was theirs in the first place?” Bette asked smiling.

Tina’s response was to go into Bette’s dresser drawer and throw a plain, white t-shirt at her.

“I working out in this!”

“It’s fine,” Tina said comforting her. “Trust me.”

The next few minutes was much of the same dialog until Bette was finally packed.

“What about pajamas?” Bette said surveying her suitcase.

“We’re staying at a hotel, we won’t need them.”

“Oh really?” Bette arched her brow seductively. “Now that’s something to look forward to.”

Bette laced her hand behind Tina’s neck to pull her head in closer. Her tongue darted out quickly to wet her lips before she pressed them to Tina’s. She kissed her hard as Tina’s hands became lost in Bette’s long, thick hair.

“Don’t mess my hair up before I meet your parents,” Bette said pulling back and smiling at Tina.

“Thank you for doing this for me.”

“Don’t thank me,” Bette said casually. “I haven’t survived yet.”

Bette grabbed her suitcase and her laptop case and headed for the front door to begin their journey.