ONE AND ONLY

Chapter 86

Tina had been in the shower and was just putting on some fresh clothes when she heard the door of the apartment open and close. She guessed it was Bette – her moms were staying out the way while she had her conversation with her girlfriend. This wasn’t going to be easy – Tina didn’t know how to face a situation where she had to admit her flaws and her failings – she had kept this secret unspoken for so long. There had been times  – late at night when Bette had started to talk about college — looking back now it seemed like it was her way of seeing if Tina was open to discussing their plans. Each time Tina had shut the conversation down – she didn’t want to talk about it – she didn’t want to face what she feared. And now her own arrogance had forced the issue – -the tennis fiasco meant she was going to have to face her own fears and have a discussion with Bette. She would have to face hearing what could be unpalatable facts.
She slipped her feet into flip-flops and went into the main living area of the apartment. Bette was sitting on the sofa looking at a newspaper
“Hey there “
Bette looked up and her  – she didn’t smile – she just looked at Tina
“Hello “
Well that wasn’t the best start but one that Tina probably deserved.  Tina went and sat down on the sofa facing her. She was trying to find the right words to start this discussion – well the first thing she needed to do was to say sorry
“I have been an utter ass today “
“Yeah “ Bette agreed turning the newspaper over so she could read the next section.
“I am sorry for flipping out at you and for lying to you about which of my mom’s is the better player. I did it because I wanted to bet you so much “
“Why ?” Bette put the newspaper down and looked over at Tina. Funny how you thought you knew someone and then they did something and you realised you had only scratched the surface with your knowledge of them
“Why did I do it ?”
“Why did you flip – it was a dumb game. “
“Are you saying you didn’t want to beat me ?”
Bette crossed her arms “Only when you started assuming that I couldn’t play. That bugged me – that did get me to want to beat you but after the way you all went on when we played cards”
“We weren’t playing cards – that implies we were playing Happy Families with Mr Bun the Baker – we were playing poker – and you were fucking good at that as well”
“My dad is the current champion poker player of the prosecutors office. He has been teaching me to play since I was about 11 – mom pretends not to know that we play for nickels and dimes but we play and he has taught me well. I am not good enough to beat him yet like I do in chess but the cards came out in my favour last night “
“And still you wouldn’t play that last game “
“I didn’t want to – it was getting too serious”
“I guess I am learning that about you first hand – you really don’t like it when it gets that serious “
“It doesn’t bother me when it gets serious – it bothers me when it looks like it is getting out of hand – rather like the tennis this morning”
“I am holding my hands up – I screwed up this morning. I had set myself up to beat you and I didn’t. if you had just say beaten me  – if it had been close – but it wasn’t – you wiped the court with Kate and me “
“Yeah I did “ Bette replied “ I was cross this this morning – you did the under-estimating me thing that everyone has done to me my whole life and I hate it. You are the one person I really thought would get that it bothers me. Oh it will be alright  – we will win- its ONLY Bette “
“I never said that “
“No you didn’t -but that’s the attitude and that gets my goat up and that was why after you had jumped to that conclusion a few times –  that was why I didn’t tell you. Then you made things worse by lying to me about Emma – I just wanted to beat the two of you for her as well as me. “
“I am sorry Bette – I can safely say that I will never under-estimate you EVER again”
Bette shook her head “ Why did you storm off ?”
“I guess this is harder for me – but it does go to something that is at a root problem for us – well for me anyway “
Bette lent forward – for the first time she smiled at Tina
“If it’s a problem for you – then it’s a problem for me”
“I am a bad loser “
“A terrible one “ Bette agreed “ But no one enjoys losing “
“Most people cover it up better than I did  -I am sorry Bette. I am sorry I ran off and I know that you and my moms were worried for me”
“I immediately start to think of all the terrible things that could happen to you – I guess I have heard too many stories from my dad “
“I have heard all the same stories from both my moms and they didn’t enter my head. I am sorry and I really owe all three of you “
“That’s not the big problem though is it ?”
Tina shook her head “I am acting like a prize idiot because I am scared”
“What are you scared of ?”
Tina looked away from Bette – she stared at her hands for a few seconds then looked up at the brunette – the beautiful and always serene brunette – her girlfriend – her marvellous girlfriend
“Losing you “
Bette toyed with one of her wristbands
“I am not going to end it with you over this – I am pissed off with you but that’s all I am”
“Not over this – but I wouldn’t blame you – I have acted like a stupid spoilt princess “
“I am not going to deny that because you know that and I know it as well. So talk to me – what are you scared of babe “
“This time next year – you and I will know where we are going to spend the next four years of our lives. I cannot imagine not being with you – but I can’t see how we will be together “
Bette exhaled “ The elephant in the room “ she said softly “That thing that you haven’t wanted to talk about for months “
Tina nodded “I wondered if you knew “
Bette nodded “I knew you were worried about college “
Tina threw herself back on the sofa and exhaled
“Worried  – worried doesn’t come close. It terrifies me. Even when we are in bed and we are so exhausted from making out – even then I just lie and worry about how it will feel when we are so far apart and you are with someone else. “
Bette got up and walked over to sit on the same sofa as Tina
“Why would you assume that I would be with someone else and you won’t ? you had dates before me – I didn’t “
“It was only with boys  – it didn’t count”
“Look at me Tina “
Tina stopped staring at the ceiling and looked at the girl sitting watching her. Bette reached out and took her hand. It was their first physical contact for several hours and Tina could feel how good it was to have  the comfort of Bette’s hand in hers. Bette stroked Tina’s fingers and turned her hand over and stroked the palm softly. Finally Bette kissed Tina’s hand
“I love you – I love you despite what a silly cow you have been today. As for college – well I don’t know about that because you won’t talk to me about it. If I knew what you wanted maybe you and I could have a conversation or several hundred about it and see where we both were. I want to go to Yale – but I am open to seeing other places. I would love to go to different places – like Yale and Harvard – maybe Princeton with you and see which ones we both liked. It depends which place likes both of us but I would love to go to the same college as you. I guess our parents want us to go our separate ways but they don’t get to pick where we go – we are proving to them that we are adults – well young adults and we can make our own minds up.  I don’t know what is going to happen in the future  and I don’t intend to worry about it. What matters is you not being able to talk to me – that is much more worrying and if college scares you well then YOU not being able to be open with me THAT is what scares me. I trust you implicitly Tina – why don’t you trust me ?”
“I do trust you – of course I do “
“But not enough to talk to me about what is worrying you. We can survive just about anything if we are prepared to talk to one another and say what is on our minds. “
“I have never had a relationship like this before “
“And I have had ? “ Bette said sarcastically “I barely spoke to anyone before you came to the school. I had Shane and Carmen but that was about it – I was the social leper. This is new for both of us “
“You do this better than me”
“I don’t “ Bette said “I might hide it better than you but I am so far out of my comfort zone that it terrifies me. But it also thrills me – this is what life is about – new experiences and just being rewarded by having you” Bette touched Tina’s cheek and stroked it
“I love you  – I want to be with you and of course I want to go to college with you.”
Tina looked worn out and tearful  – for the first time that day Bette felt sorry for her. It was hard for her to have these two parents – two utterly alpha women who were so obsessed with winning at al costs – in fact she had four over achieving parents in her life – four times the pressure – that was not easy. Yes her father was just as bad as Emma but that was more than balanced out by Rosemary who really didn’t care about winning and had zero interest in sport and played every game badly. Rosemary’s influence on Bette was academic – it was reading and studying  – two skills she had instilled in Bette in a subtle way – subtle was something her father and Emma utterly lacked.
Tina looked into Bette’s deep brown eyes and saw the love. She smiled and swallowed to hold back the tears. Bette’s finger touched Tina’s lips. Very slowly Bette lent forward and placed a kiss on Tina’s lips
“I love you “
“I love you so much “
The tears, that had been threatened for a while finally came. Tina started to cry
“Its okay babe “ Bette said gently “Its going to be okay – come on  -cry all you want. I won’t let you fall “
Tina held onto Bette and cried for several minutes. Finally the tears dried up and she eased away from Bette
“You okay “
Tina nodded
“You have had a shit day haven’t you ?”
“The worst day for God knows how long “
“Shit happens – it doesn’t matter “
“I showed myself up”
“You did and I am going to tease you about it for months – probably years in fact.”
Tina smiled “Thanks “
“That’s what couples do – we do need to talk more though – you know that “
“I do – and I am sorry “
“No more saying sorry – lets move on. You look drained sweetheart”
“I feel it. And I have to face Emma”
“When I saw them about 15 minutes ago they were getting stuck into the cocktails in the bar – they are well on their way to getting well sloshed “
“I have driven them both to drink “
“I think they took themselves there – leave them be – they are on holiday and having a blast. “
“At least they have not dragged me along – that’s what always happened”
“Sounds a riot “ Bette said smiling
Tina kept holding Bette “ I am sorry “
“No more sorries – lets move on and get something from this. We need to talk about college and what we want to do and what we want to study. All I care about is that its OUR decision – what we both have to agree on is that our folks – as much as we love them – that our folks don’t dictate to us what we do. Bad or good –  its our call Tina”
Tina nodded
“I am glad one of us is mature “
“You just had a crap day “
“Hell of bad day “ Tina agreed
Bette stroked Tina’s face again and softly kissed her again. Their lips came together and for several minutes they just kissed . When Bette ended the kiss she rested her forehead against Tina’s
“I am hungry and thirsty  – come on – you can buy me lots of ice cream to make up for the fact that you are an idiot “
Tina smiled “I feel like an idiot “
“But you are MY idiot and I love you “
“I guess that’s as good a compliment as I am going to get paid today “
“It is”
“Thanks”
“We have a lot of talking to do and we also have some growing up to do as well – but we will do it and we will do it together. Lets chill out for the rest of the day and I can figure how you can redeem yourself for being thrashed by me at tennis”
“I thought we were moving on from the tennis “
“I didn’t say that – I will think of something  – and it could well have a great deal to do with you being naked and doing things to me “
Tina smiled “ Really “
“Yes “
“I don’t think I have been punished like that before “
“I would bloody well hope not “ Bette said smiling
“Anything particular in mind ?”
“I am going to think about it” Bette kissed Tina again. She sighed and stroked Tina’s hair
“I know its not going to be easy for us in the next year- being out at school is going to bring things that we haven’t faced before. We are going to get hit on and  that’s going to be hard “
“Like the other day “
“Like the other day – lets face it  – neither of us have the first clue about how to react. But this is only going to work if we trust one another like the other day and like when we start school again and it comes out that we are both gay and we are dating. You know there are some people who only get interested in you because you are with someone else. We are going to get all of that- and if and when it gets to Helena that you are gay and with someone else – she’s not going to take that well”
“I don’t think about Helena any more “
“Well maybe I worry too much but it is something to think about – she’s not going to like that she didn’t get what she wanted and that I am getting it”
Tina exhaled “ I know that – I am sorry that I have been so withdrawn when it comes to talking to you about how I feel. I will try “
“Anytime you want to talk  – you have to know that I am here and I want to listen and understand. I don’t want to lose you because of something one of us didn’t tell the other one. I guess that is how so many couples of our age don’t last – because they don’t have the maturity to talk and listen. We are not gong to be that couple – I won’t let us be that couple.”