She remembered one lady in particular – Annie she thought her name was.  She was a large woman with a smiling face and soft hands which had soothed some of the pain that the young girl was feeling.  Without warning or explanation though, one day she was gone, and so, quickly Shane realised that in order to survive, not only would she have to get used to not feeling loved she would also have to ensure that she didn’t allow herself to love those around her.  A strong wall went up which slowly as she created a life for herself in L.A. people had begun to chip away at.  Alice, Bette, Tina, Kit, Jenny and of course Dana had all made indentations into the edifice which surrounded her heart.  Then Carmen had come along.   Shane had been unsuspecting, despite the fact that from the beginning being with Carmen had felt different Shane had assumed that her walls were safe.  Even if Carmen loved her she would not allow herself to love Carmen completely.  She would be protected.  It turns out though that it’s true what they say you can’t choose who you fall in love with.

When Dana died, Shane realised that her wall was not as strong as she thought it was.  That the indentations her friends had been making had slowly formed holes big enough to see through – holes big enough to reveal her heart to the world.  That terrified her.  She felt exposed and vulnerable.  Realising she was loved, realising that she loved others it was overwhelming.  Proposing to Carmen had been a knee-jerk reaction, a way to calm the fear inside her – the fear that loving like that was dangerous because suddenly you were handing the control over.  You were giving someone else the power to hurt you.  The power to make you feel things you’d spent your life running from. If Carmen left, this is what she would be faced with and marrying her would stop her from leaving, would it not?

It had been too fast, their relationship although filled with love and potential was flawed.  There had been infidelity, they both still had issues that never mind being unresolved, were unacknowledged.  This was no foundation for a life together.  Then her father forced her to question her ability to love completely.  Who was she to commit to loving someone forever when she was only just learning how to do it for the first time? So she ran.  She chose to cause the hurt now rather than waiting for it to come to both of them further down the tracks.