It all came out in a rush and when she was finished she was sure she’d said too much – enough to scare Tasha off.  She had laid open her biggest fears about her own vulnerabilities to someone who’s daily job it was to be brave.  She groaned and buried her head in Tasha’s shoulder waiting for the retribution.  Waiting to be told to pull herself together.  “Al” she heard her call her name and felt her try to lean away to expose Alice’s face but the writer wasn’t ready to take it so she groaned again and buried her face deeper into the strong muscular shoulder mumbling an apology.

“Al, Alice, look at me!”

She heard the insistent tone but she couldn’t face it.  She scrunched her eyes even more tightly shut trying to fight off the tears of regret for messing up this night.   She felt Tasha’s body weight alter and her hands released each other where they had been firmly fixed at the small of her back.  Alice was filled with dread that she was going to let her go and walk away.  Alice’s hands grabbed fistfuls of material from Tasha’s top needing to keep her close her gaze rooted firmly in the sand but Tasha wasn’t moving away.

Alice felt one of Tasha’s hands starting to gently rub her back.  She felt the finger of the other hand move up and gently tuck an errant curl behind her left ear.  Then she felt Tasha bend her head and felt her warm moist breath as she whispered directly into Alice’s ear;

“My god you’re so brave.  Facing your own vulnerabilities that’s the scariest thing in this world.  You’re right, we need a plan.  Not just for you though.   Like I told you before I never meant to get involved with anyone while I was back this time and you know that was mostly because it wouldn’t be fair on them but it was also for me. “

Tasha felt the vice grip on her clothing loosen and it no longer felt like Alice’s forehead was trying to bore a hole in her shoulder.  Tasha seized the opportunity and took Alice’s face in her hands.  She kissed her gently hoping in those lips she’d find the courage to explain herself.  Alice’s soft lips responded kissing her back.  There was no urgency in the kiss but there was certainty.  Alice could sense as they kissed that Tasha had more to say and she seemed to be searching for how to say it through the kiss.  She felt Tasha’s lips still against her own and she sensed her taking in a breath.  Then she felt the breath come back out in words.

“It’s so much harder not to be afraid when there’s such a good reason to want to stay alive “

Alice felt her heart skip a beat.  She brought her hands to cover Tasha’s on the side of her own face.  She gently lifted them away and intertwined their fingers lowering their hands to their sides.

“Hey that’s a good thing you know.  I want you to not want to die.  I need to know that you are going to fight to come back no matter what.  A little bit of fear might protect you.”

With that she let go of one of Tasha’s hands and squeezed the other tight swinging around so they were ready to walk on hand in hand and said

“Let the battle planning begin”

So that is what they did.  Hand in hand they walked and talked trying to work out how best each of them could overcome the challenges ahead.  They had concluded that for Alice to avoid falling into unhealthy destructive patterns what she needed was a good strong routine.  In principle the writer accepted this point but when Tasha suggested she create it by beginning her day with exercise Alice had laughed out loud.  But Tasha believed in physical discipline and the effect it could permeate through a person’s psyche – it was the foundation of a lot of who she was as a soldier and after much cajoling she had convinced the writer that for as long as Tasha was away she should rise early and start each day with a run.

TBC?