She made the cracks in me show through and through. I suddenly wanted to get away from her. I was so deathly afraid of her suddenly. I wanted to drown in her, it was so acute, I had only been away from her for a short few days and yet I felt lost, lost with her, lost without her.

Too many thoughts…..

I drank my drink in three huge gulps and instantly regretted it. She was studying me. And I wondered what she was thinking.

“He lived till died didn’t he?”

“What do you mean?” I asked just a lot of bit confused.

“I mean that maybe the way we where living caught up with him, maybe these drunken, drugged parties of ours, our anonymous sex lives…..maybe it was killing him slowly, maybe there were signs and I didn’t see them…..”

“Carmen do you blame yourself is that what you are saying?”

“Heh…….yeah that is what I am saying.”

“I use to blame myself all the time when my mother killed herself. I use to think that maybe I was bad kid, maybe I didn’t say I love you enough…..The truth was that she was depressed for as long as I could remember……My dad was cheating on her a lot…….not out of malice….he just needed things from her she was unwilling to give….I don’t know Carmen……maybe in the end all you can say is fuck you, fuck you for checking out on me you selfish asshole…..”

Silence.

 The sound of the night, those bugs of the darkness. The only light was coming from the Tiki torch that lit her balcony. She leaned back in her wicker chair, the silk clinging to her everything, I wanted to give myself away to her, I wanted to tell I would fill any void left by Bruce, I wanted to say so many things but instead I said nothing. What I had voiced to her had been some dark hidden resentment I didn’t think I still had for my mother. I maybe said too much.