(Re)Finding our own path
Chapter 4 – August, 132013

Previusly
She was starting to talk again when their little one popped out from the hall, she woke up from her nap. The blonde immediately wiped her eyes, but her baby noticed something was wrong with her mother. «Mommy, cry?»
Tina’s heart broke one more time. «It’s nothing, baby. It’s okay. Mommy just got a boo-boo, it’s going to be alright. Give me a hug, come here»
Bette left out a gasp. She couldn’t say anything, the lump formed in her throat almost made her choke.
She just stared at the two of them.

How the hell did they get there?
Their family. The one they always dreamt about.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Angie asked Tina to stay at the house, she wanted to swim with her mother. So she stayed there for about two hours. Bette and she didn’t talk for the whole time. They just kept sharing glances every now and then, but decided to stay quite.
What else were they supposed to say?
Once again, they managed to hurt each other.
That’s what scared Bette the most. The fact that no matter why and no matter how, they always hurt one another.
But, in addition to this, what that really mattered at that moment, was the fact that hurtful words had been said, just a few hours before and she couldn’t help it but feel the need to apologise.

Taking advantage of the fact that Angie was playing in her room, she decided to start to talk to Tina.
The two of them were in the same room, sitting on the same couch, yet so distant.
The blonde woman remained silent, like she was expecting Bette to say something.
«T?»
She called her ‘T’, like she always did when things were good between them. A sense of ‘home’ crossed her soul. «Yeah?»
«I’m sorry…»
The blonde gazed at Bette waiting for her to continue.
As she realized Tina was listening, she kept talking.
«I want to start with this: I love you. I’ve always loved you. I’ve never stopped loving you» she took a deep breath, «I know, I gave you too much hope. And I have to admit it, I felt great two days ago with you. I mean it. It felt so damn right… it was fucking amazing. But, I can’t… I can’t do this… I just can’t»
Tina didn’t say anything this time either. She just stared at her.
So Bette decided to talk again, «I’m sorry. I am deeply sorry. I know I hurt you saying those words. But I would like you to understand my position»
«I do understand», she finally decided to speak. «Believe me, I do. And now that I think of it, you’re right. I hurt you too. I… acted like it was only your fault. I’ve been selfish. But, you’re right… I have nothing else to lose… I’m with… no one. You are with Jodi, I should’ve thought about it. Plus, you’re right when you say that you don’t trust me. I wouldn’t trust myself either… but believe me when I say that I love you and that I would do anything for another chance. Just please, don’t turn your back on me. No matter what you decide to do… don’t leave me» she sighed, «And… in regard what I said, about Candace. That’s not true… I didn’t mean it. I know that you’re not like that. I know that you didn’t do it just to use me or because you’re a selfish woman, please forgive me»
Bette’s heart melted at her plea. She could see and sense the woman’s pain and regret. «See? That’s what scares me. The fact that, no matter why… even if we don’t mean it, we always hurt each other and I’m tired of this. I am really tired» she took Tina’s hand in hers, «There’s nothing to forgive you about, we both did huge mistakes, we both hurt each other, you had all the rights to say those things to me, given my history. Just believe me, I didn’t do it because I was using you. I did it because everytime I’m with you I forgot everything, it’s just me and you… But when the magic ends, the reality hits me and I think about all the things happened and it hurts. It hurts so badly I can’t breathe. And I don’t know if I’m able to start this all over again. I’m too afraid to fall again and it would kill me… I want you to know that I will never, ever turn my back on you. You will always be in my life, no matter what happens. I just… I don’t think it’s possible, at the moment, to think about a relationship between us. It is too difficult for me to think about that»

Tina absorbed the words, they hitted her like bullets.
She knew Bette was right. Too much happened, she had been the one who left Bette the last time. She left her for a man. Bette had every right to start over, with another woman, and feel that way.
It just hurt.
The fact that maybe, it was really finished… it hurt.
How stupid she had been, thinking that there could’ve been the possibility to reconnect. Such a fool. ‘Such a fool’. «Such a fool»
«What?» Bette asked, not able to hear her.
She chuckled, a nervous-sad-chuckle. She was looking at the floor, «Nothing… I was thinking out loud… You are right» she shrugged,  «You are right, I don’t know what else to say… I just… I fucked up. And now I have to deal with the consequences»
Bette didn’t reply, she just kept holding her hand. The blonde laid her eyes on their hands. She always loved Bette’s hands warmth.
She slowly looked up at her, «Are you happy with Jodi?»
«I’m okay… it’s just easy to live that way»
«What do you mean?»
«Not being attached to someone the way I was with you… It will not provide too much pain if, somehow, things may fall apart»
«I think I know what you mean» she looked down again. She rubbed her hands on her laps and got up. «I’d better go», she smiled weakly looking at Bette.
The brunette stood up as well, and after saluting her daugther, Bette led Tina to the front door.
The two of them glanced at each other for several seconds and for an instant it seemed like those years apart didn’t happen.
But reality hitted them and Tina decided to break the silence. «Bye, Bette»
«Wait!» Bette grasped her wrist and pulled her into a hug.
It was warm, tight. She didn’t want to let go, it felt like a goodbye.
Tina felt the same way, she didn’t want Bette to let her go as well.
But finally pulled out.
«Okay,» her eyes filled with tears «I’ll go now»
«Yeah» she whispered, «Bye, T».