Reflections

Chapter 5


Dana sits in Tonya’s car, lost in thoughts of what had just occurred at Alice’s, all she could think about was how it felt been touched by Alice, the softness of her lips, she so wanted to be there, helping with Bette, just been round Alice was enough to make her smile. She watches Tonya as she drives and wonders what she’s been thinking, getting engaged to someone she barely knew, what did they have in common the only thing that they enjoyed was ***** and that newness was wearing off very quickly.

Tonya noticing her distance opens her mouth to speak then thinks better off it, she’s probably tired from training, never mind I know the ideal cure for that. She thinks about Dana and how she’s going to take her for a ride but surprises herself when she realises that she actually has geniune feelings for her, where did they spring from she was supposed to be a meal ticket, hanging on her arm was great publicity for her but she’d manipulated her grief over Mr Piddles and seen her ideal chance to gain even more especially when her friend Deb had told her that she’d be entitled to her share if they split up, the dollar signs had flashed into her eyes but since the night Alice had come round she’d found herself looking forward to seeing Dana and spending time she’d ceased pretending she’d become more caring but all she got in return was the feeling that Dana’s thoughts were elsewhere and this thought petrified her, a new feeling for her.

“Sweetie, are you okay, tough training session?”
“What, oh not really, it was just Bette came over and she was drunk, its really draining for us seeing her like that.”
“Never mind I’ll make it all better, leave it to me.”

Dana sighs under her breath I wish you were Alice saying that, she reaches for the radio and the memory of the incident with Alice flashes into her mind, god what are you doing, you’ve got to break up with Tonya, she’s not who you want and she never will be.

Alice watches as Tina sits beside Bette, watching as she sleeps off her impromptu drinking session. The love she sees still reflected in Tina’s eyes makes her think of Dana, do I have that look when she’s around because that’s how she makes me feel, I want to take care of her, I’ve never wanted to take care of anyone but she instills these feelings like when she was drunk, and how devastated she was when Mr P died and I just put my arms around her even though I knew then my feelings ran deeper than friendship.

“How do you do it T?”
“What Alice?”
“You still love her after everything she’s put you through don’t you?”
“Yes, she was my life for seven years, you don’t just switch those kind of feelings off, today when I went to the CAC I intended to make a clean break, I told her I needed to be alone and she stood there and let me walk away without saying anything until I reached the door and then she said she would wait for me and I had to carry on walking because the tears were welling up and I was afraid that she’d persuade me to try again and now look at her, she’s so broken and all I want to do is fix her but then I think about her betrayal and I hate her but now that hate is conflicted by the overwhelming love that I feel.”
“Wow.”
“How about you?”
“Well I hate her to for what she put you through but she’s my friend and I don’t want to take sides.”
“I meant with you and Dana, do you love her?”
“Is it that obvious?”
“Well the loud ***** kind of gave it away.”
“You oh my god, of course you did, sorry should have been more quiet.”
“You didn’t answer the question, do you love her?”
“Yes, it kind of snuck up on me but now she’s the only thing I think about, and I know she’s with Tonya and I’m heading for heartbreak city but I can’t help how she makes me feel.”

Tina looks at the still slumbering Bette and nods her head, she knows that feeling well, she notices a stray hair across Bette’s face and she gently reaches down to remove it taking care not to wake her. Alice sees the gesture and remembers when she was kissing Dana and how right it’d felt and how she never wanted to move apart.

“Aint love grand?”
“Yeah in a fucked up masochisitic way.”
“Why do we do it to ourselves?”

Tina looks at Bette before answering “because it makes us feel alive and safe.”

Alice looks at Tina and with no hint of her usual cynicism says “Yeah” She thinks about Dana and wonders what her and Tonya are doing then she shakes her head, scratch that thought you really don’t want to know.

Tonya looks at Dana shock on her face. “What did you just say?”