Everyone flooded out into the hallway, taking vigil in front of room 1017! Alice fought her way through the crowd and pressed her ear to the door.

Peggy: “Well? Do you hear anything?”

Alice: “SHHhhhh!!! Pegster, please! Eavesdropping is a skill! One that requires little to no interruption! Ya hear me knockin?”

Peggy threw her hands up and turned to Bette, looking for an annoyed ally. Instead, she was met with the pervert eyes of a teenager, as she caught Bette ogling Tina‘s assets. Tina continued to watch Alice as Bette, feeling the stares, looked up, locking eyes with one Ms. Peggy Peabody!

Bette: “I’m sorry, did you say something?”

Peggy: “What the fuck are you doing?”

Peggy‘s words met Tina‘s ears, causing Tina to look at Bette and say, “Wait, what were you just doing?”

Bette: “What? Nothing!”

Alice: “WAIT all of you!! I think I hear something! Everyone pipe down, and shut up!”

Jenny: “Isn’t piping down and shutting up the same thing Alice?”

Shane laughed.

Alice: “Are ya done Jenny? Yeah? Good!”

Inside Room 1017:

Dana had Tonya in a headlock as Tony lifted her off the ground, spinning her like a top!

Tony: “Dana! Dana let go of my head! DANA! DANA LET GO OF MY….. Oh you bitch! Dana? Please, let me explain sweet pea!”

Dana: “Yeah, I’ve got your sweet pea, right here bitch!! I mean, bastard!!!”

Tony spun himself around with all his might and releasing Dana, sent her flying onto the bed. The force from the THUD finally woke Sharon, who was now looking around wearing a “Where in the fuck am I” face, and holding a boom microphone in her mitts!! Tonya‘s voice deepened as she said, “Back off me bitch!” Dana cocked an eyebrow as the masculine tones filled the room. She felt the blood rush to her head as she rolled her fists into tight rocks that were about to be thrown at Tony‘s fuzzy lip! Tony swallowed hard and let out a deep “Ohhh shiiiit!” as Dana leaped through the air, tackling him to the ground.

To the hallway:

Alice: “Oh shit! I heard a snap or something!”

Shane: “Maybe we should go in! Dana might need our help!”

Just then, they heard Dana scream “I’M GONNA KICK YOUR MAN ASSSSS!!!!”

Alice: “No, she’s fine! My girl can hold her own! Trust it! Oh yeah!”

Tina turned and facing Bette, leaned in and whispered, “Were you looking at my tits?” as she ran her tongue along the inside of Bette‘s ear.

Bette: “Uh….oh….um….no! I uh…STOP IT TINA!!!”

Everyone turned quickly to Tina, but she had snapped forward already. She shrugged and said, “Stop what Bette? Jeez!”

Bette knew this game! Tina had played this game before! Hell, the scarlet vixen invented it! Tina rolled her eyes and gave the universal ‘crazy sign’ by rolling her finger in the air over her ear. Everyone’s suspicious attention returned to the door.

Troi: “Are you people always this dramatic?”

Chase: “Really! I’m starting to think I got dropped in the middle of a Soap Opera!”

Jenny looked over and shot Troi a seductive smile. Chase, seeing this, turned to Troi and said, “Don’t even think about it!!! Not even for a second!!”

Troi: “What are you talking about Chase? Ya know, I’ve about had it with you! If you have something to say to me, just say it! What? Aw, what? Whatcha got huh?”

Chase: “Oh grow the fuck up Troi! The only reason you want anything to do with that little annoying waif is because she reminds you of ME when I was YOUNGER!!!”

Kit, who had been watching all the dramas unfold, turned to Alice and said, “Ha, and this bitch called OUR lives a Soap Opera! Shit!”

Alice: “Takes one to know one my friend! Takes one to know one!”

Peggy: “HOLD IT!”

Chase: “Don’t worry Peggy! We wont fight on our shift! But when we leave here….”

Peggy: “Your shift? I don’t give a fuck if you kill each other where ya stand! Just hand over the bottle! SOMEONE’S JOCK GIRLFRIEND spilled my Mother’s Milk!”

Shane turned her back to the group and started running her fingers through her hair. Alice pressed her ear to the door as she looked up and whistled! Chase handed Peggy the bottle of Wild Turkey that had been sticking out of her pocket as she motioned her head to the side, challenging Troi to step into the stairwell and finish this like men! Troi accepted the challenge! A naked Jenny followed! Lenore, who had slithered down the wall and passed out earlier, was abruptly woken up by the stairwell door slamming shut.

Lenore: “There’s NO business like SHOW business…..”

Peggy dropped the bottle from her lips and turning to Alice said, “What the fuck is that?”

Alice just waved a blas hand in the air and said, “It’s her internal alarm clock! Just ignore her and she’ll go away! Trust me!”

Inside room 1017:

Dana had Tony down on the floor, sitting on his hands and yelling in his face. Sharon came sliding out from under the bed as she heard the distressed screams, coming from the eldest fruit of her loin! (Oh yeah! PUN INTENDED!!)

Sharon: “Dana!! What the hell is going on here?”

Tony: “Oh thank GOD! Lady, get your daughter off of me!”

Sharon: “Dana! Get off of her…him…um…!”

Dana: “Yeah! Did you hear its voice! Mom, meet the real Tonya….TONY! It’s not a her!! It’s a…..HIM!!!”

Sharon: “Dana you told me you were a lesbian!”

Dana rolled her eyes and said, “Listen to me hasbian, although I think lesbian because my gaydar goes off every Thanksgiving! We don’t have much time! HE tricked me into thinking HE was a SHE!”

Sharon: “Well Dana! I mean…..this is great news!! Maybe you’re not….a…..lesbian after all?”

Dana: “Mom! This is the bitch bastard who unknowingly put your only daughter in a Porno! Think ‘Country Club’ Anne Heche!! Country Club!!!”

Sharon‘s hopeful grin faded fast and lifting the boom mic over her head, gave Tony such a shot with it that it knocked him unconscious! A shocked, but somewhat impressed Dana slid off of Tony and looked up at her Mother, scratch that, her HERO!!

Dana: “Oh my God…..MOM!!”

Sharon: “Dana……..wait outside!”

Dana‘s eyes were like silver dollars! She never saw Sharon like this before! Sharon‘s eyes were red with fire. Dana did what any one of us would have done in that situation….she listened to her Mother!!

As Dana ripped the door open, Alice fell through it, landing at her feet. Everyone else scattered like cockroaches when the lights come on! Bette, Shane, Kit and Peggy ran down the hall and threw themselves around the corner. They were all out of breath as Bette turned to them and said, “Where’s Tina?” Everyone shrugged. Bette got down low and slowly peeked her scared head around the corner. Tina was walking nonchalantly toward them and as Bette‘s head came into view, she lifted her camisole and winked!

Bette: “What are you doing? Pull that down!!!”

Tina: “Make me tough girl!!”

Bette turned to the shaky bunch and licking her lips said, “Stay here! I’ll come back to get you when I know it’s safe!!” The shaky group nodded back as Bette lowered her brow and took off after ‘I see London….I see France…’ She ran up to her and pulling down Tina‘s camisole, dragged her off to find the nearest utility closet!

Dana picked Alice up off the floor and pushed her out into the hall, closing the door behind her.

Alice: “Are you ok? Oh my God Dane! What happened?”

Dana: “No, no Alice, it’s ok! Everything is ok! My Mom just wants to talk to Tony for a minute alone! Yeah, so we should probably wait in the lobby or something!”

Alice: “Well, I mean, as long as you’re ok! That’s the important thing!”

Dana smiled and leaning in, shoved her tongue down Alice‘s throat! This went on for a while till Dana snapped her head back, breaking the lip lock! “Thank God for you Alice! I really love you!” Alice blushed and throwing an arm around her girl, began walking toward the elevators. As they approached, Alice turned to Dana and said, “Ya know, I really love you too Dane! I know I should say that more!”

Dana: “What?”

Alice: “I said, I really love yo….”

Dana: “No, not that, what is that? Do you hear that?”

Alice and Dana froze, listening to the muffled love cries coming from one of two doors that were to the left of the elevators. Alice slowly walked over and put her ear to the closest door. She shook her head and walked over to the other door. Slapping her hand over her mouth, she ran back to Dana and whispered, “It’s Bette and Tina!” Dana giggled and said, “No way!” They listened a little while longer before Alice rolled her eyes and said, “They are so lame! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Dana: “Oh yeah, totally lame! We can take em!”

Alice: “That’s my girl!”

Alice and Dana quietly walked into the other closet. “Ok, remember Dane…we have to be LOUD!” Alice then threw her open mouth into Dana‘s neck, sending her slamming into the wall. “OH ALICE!! THAT’S IT! THAT’S IT!! OH…..ohhh!”

Tina was leaning against the wall as Bette knelt in front of her. Tina‘s legs were spread wide and reaching down, she grabbed for a handful of Bette‘s hair as she found her groove. Bette stopped and looked up at her.

Tina: “What? Why? Why do you always stop? I just don’t get it…….”

Bette: “Tina! Listen to that! Do you hear that?”

Tina was catching her breath as she leaned her frustrated head against the wall. “Oh! Yeah, I do…what, who is that?” Bette stood up and looked Tina in the eye at close range. They both simultaneously started nodding at each other as Bette said, “That’s Alice and Dana!” Tina made an exaggerated, “Oh my God!” face before dropping the act and simply saying, “So?”

Bette: “So? Listen to them Tina!”

Dana: “OH ALICE!”

Alice: “OH DANA!”

Bette: “They’re challenging us!”

Tina: “What? Bette! Do you have a crack habit and you’re just not telling me? Because if you do, I’ll get you the help you need baby!”

Just then the sounds of Alice screaming, “FUCK ME DANA!!” came bellowing through the walls. Bette raised an eyebrow.

Tina: “Oh shit, they’re challenging us!”

Bette: “Ya think? Ok, I’m gonna use my hand! You slam your back into the wall as hard as you can! We’ll show these bitches how it’s done!”

Tina: “Oh, ok, yeah! Whatever works for you!”

Bette slid her hand down and entered Tina. Tina let out a loud scream as she began slamming her back into the wall, causing Alice and Dana to freeze!

Dana: “Holy shit Al!”

Alice: “Oh no! I see what’s going on here! Porter thinks she’s so smart! Ok Dane! I’m gonna turn you around, ok? Then you’re gonna…..”

Dana: “Alice? If you really want to win this….you’ll just go down on me and let me handle the rest!”

Alice: “Oh, ok, yeah! Whatever works for you!”

Alice dropped to her knees and as she gently took Dana into her mouth, Dana started punching the wall with all her might as she yelled Alice‘s name over and over and over. Bette continued doing her thing, well, because Tina would have killed her if she stopped again, and as Tina yelled “Faster, faster, faster, faster….” Bette went faster, faster, faster, faster, until Dana‘s hand came flying through the sheet rock and knocked her unconscious!

Tina was guiding Bette out of the hotel as Bette held the icepack over her eye. Not to far behind them, Alice was helping Dana out as Dana held the icepack over her tennis hand. They noticed the rat pack leaning against Peggy‘s limo, and walked over to join them.

Kit: “What the hell happened to you four?”

Bette: “It’s a long story! Right Dana?”

Dana: “Yeah, long story! Long story!”

Alice: “What are you guys doing?”

Shane: “Watching the show!”

Bette, Tina, Alice and Dana began looking around at all the police cars, not to mention the small crowd that had formed in the parking lot. Bette noticed that Peggy, Jose, Troi, Chase, Jenny, Kit, Shane and Sharon were all looking up at the hotel and smiling. As Bette followed their stares upward, she yelled, “Oh holy shit! Tina? Am I seeing this or do I have a concussion?”

Tina: “No Bette, you are definitely seeing this!”

Tony was tied up in a sheet and dangling from one of the window’s in room 1017. A Police spotlight was illuminating his naked body for all to see!

Dana: “MOM! Did you…..”

Sharon: “You bet your sweet ass I did!”

Alice: “Wow! I am impressed Mrs. F! Very impressed!”

Alice looked around and letting out a sigh said, “So a….where the hell is my Mother?”

To Room 1018:

Lenore was sitting on the bed finishing her cocktail as she told the detectives, who were now sitting around her drooling, the story! She had mustered up some tears, not Oscar worthy but definitely Emmy quality she thought, as she explained how she couldn’t sleep with all the sick noises coming from room 1017 all night. She felt it was her civic duty as an American Citizen, from a small Southern Baptist town, to report the Devil’s work when she saw it! And that she had NO idea there was a reward! She felt it was a stretch, but when she told them that she’d probably end up giving all that reward money to the Church, she actually felt that the big guy upstairs would have been proud of her. Oh, no…not God!……..Spielberg!

The End – Not Really