SEE WHAT A FOOL I’VE BEEN – PART 1

An excruciating longing for her. What time is it? I don’t know. It’s so empty, here. And it’s cold. The aisle is bare and void. This whole pseudo-chapel in the middle of a snowed field is filled with silence and nothing more than that. All of our guests are at the hotel – I said I needed to stay by myself. That I needed to think, to figure out what to do with my life after what has just happened – after this disaster.
Those enormous white light balls are rocking in the shivery wind, like they’re fooling around me. Huge faceless heads laughing at me: see what a fool you’ve been, Carmen.
My mother covered me white a white, heavy blanket before sighing and reluctantly going to sleep.
I cross my arms over my chest and shiver. See what a fool I’ve been.
See what a fool I’ve been.

**

Waiting for the bus, looking for an escape, for a hideaway. Looking for oblivion. I need drugs. Lot of drugs. I need a booze. Lot of boozes. That’s my plan: forgetting everything. Forget her eyes, forget her voice, forget her hands and the way they touch you, forget her laughter, forget the tears she’s probably crying while you’re here with your fucking unreadable countenance.
Oh, he is so right. So right. This is who I am: just a body able to fuck, surely not a soul able to love. Incapable of commitment, incapable of lasting feelings.
I know someday you’ll understand, Carmen. Someday you will know, for sure, that all of this was for the best. That this is the unsurpassed gift I can give to you. Not me, but the absence of me. Not my pale imitation of love, but the absence of sorrow.
What about my sorrow? It doesn’t count. It never did. I needed to think about what was best for her, first. When I figured it out, I did it. And now, when the bus arrives, I will do what’s best for me.

**

I open my eyes and I see the couple of rings blinking at me from the altar. I have never thought that I would call them stupid, but this is what they are: stupid, insignificant pieces of platinum. Alice put them there like they were burning, before going back to the hotel. They look so abandoned. They look so meaningless.
Just like my dress. We have spent something like two weeks just choosing it.
“What’s the best outfit to wear when you’ll end given up and left alone? A wedding dress, of course” I murmur to myself, and chuckle bitterly. Just a little. Just a little bit, while a new set of tears start rolling down my cheeks.
I convinced myself that I was slowly unlocking all the doors to reach Shane’s soul. Step by step, I was sure to find all the right keys to open them up. Not for me – not for me only, at least – but for herself, first of all. She needs to put her walls down, otherwise she’ll be always living a lie where she embodies the soul-deprived fuckup player.
But you know what? I arrived in front of the last door, and I failed.