‘I’m telling you, Valentine’s day is designed by card manufacturers to bleed couples dry who need a pre-ordained day just to inject a piece of faux romance into their dying relationships,’ said Alexa confidently.

Louisa and Rachel just smiled at her and shook their heads but Alexa knew what they were thinking.  If you had a boyfriend you wouldn’t feel that way, just the fact she knew they were thinking it made her feel so fucking patronised.  She didn’t want a boyfriend!  Sometimes she wanted to scream it from the rooftops but she never did, just let everyone tell her how she would find the right guy someday.

She let everyone think a lot of things about her that weren’t true.  She’d taken to wearing a mask that was so tight even she found it hard to remove at the end of a day spent filled with false enthusiasm training for a job which frightened her and men who held no interest for her.  Sometimes she would talk to her friends, revealing little pieces of her hidden world but not enough for them to put together.  It was in these conversations, when she longed to be truly honest with someone that she forced herself to look away, fearing that they would see the truth in her eyes, the secret that kept fear and sadness coursing through her veins. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

‘Home early again!’ Rachel admonished Alexa playfully the next day as she caught her climbing the stairs.

‘Ally to know I’m home early by definition you have to be home earlier than me yourself,’ Alexa reminded her.  But Rachel’s little telling off did hit a nerve.  Alexa knew she should be clocking up more hours in the hospital this close to the exams and more poignantly this close to practising as a doctor. All too often she would find herself standing on a ward wondering if she would ever feel like she belonged there, if she would ever love her work enough to make up for all the things she missed out on, feeling so out of place like the walls were closing in and she’d just grab her coat and leave, spending the rest of the day feeling guilty about it.