Exile to Languish

**flashback: Tab’s old run down apartment back in the day when she was a pure adrenaline living teen [when Diane kicked her out, this was all she could afford – and so Ryan offered her to come over and stay at his place, of course she didn’t trust she’d be with him long, so she had this just in case.]**

Tab paced around the room, occasionally stopping at the window, slightly peering through the blinds, only slim light breaking through. She looked down at her hands, nearly mortified, she felt as if the sight of blood were permanent – even though her hands looked clean in reality. She shivered, rubbing her palms along her own arms that were covered in goose bumps. Her footsteps echoed through her whole apartment, the floor creaking, her own breath shaking and she could not calm it one bit. One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other…that’s what she did after she woke up a week ago in the lodge at Mammoth. Although it was more of a run…as if guilty – running from the scene of the crime, much less homicide, but she knew she couldn’t have done it, yet she banished herself anyway. But could she live a life of exile forever? She has to… and if they ever find her, she shall be dead. But for now, she’ll watch the news, and see them playing a dirge for her. Will they even wonder why they didn’t find her body along with Ryan’s? Who knows, she thought…she can’t worry about that. For all she knows is that now she is alone, she’s left the world by default, and she can’t go back.

She searched around – she couldn’t find her knife that she always kept near…her security. Without it she felt empty – and whenever people saw her with it, which a lot did, they’d jump to conclusions [that she had a death list with people accumulating by the numbers, it made her chuckle]. But at this point in time, that really isn’t good. She bit on her nails, hoping that her knife isn’t near Ryan…hoping that it did not bear his blood, but she could not guarantee that. Even if she was extra careful with him. If she even was at all…

The doorbell rang making her skin crawl, and froze with her catlike senses. Her black locks of hair draped along her face, and terror stricken green eyes which focused on the door. Go away go away go away go away…

Still the bell rang eerily, Tab’s breath accelerated as she began to worry. ***** no one should know I’m here…

Whoever it was that stood out there knew she was in here, hiding. The person began to knock on the wooden door, almost powerful enough to break down the door. Tab couldn’t take it, her knees gave in. Kneeling on the floor her whole composure languished, putting her whole bit of strength to screaming, “GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!!” A dumb move she realized at her part, for the persistent knocker, only kept on knocking. Now they knew she occupied the apartment. She sat on the floor and tucked her head between her knees as she broke into tears. Hoping that it wasn’t the authorities on the other side of the door…and wishing that this was all a dream.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Oh just some cops here to arrest you for homicide. Tab screamed hard as the tears fell down her cheeks – feeling like she’s been set back to her childhood, where someone she truly loved threatened to disown her. “I DIDN’T DO IT!!! PLEASE! Just let me stay here…”

The sound of the knocks reminded Tab about the bangs that’d she’d hear at night, the shootings on PCH, the shootings at the nearby high school, and seeing the blood left behind. It’d entertain her because she was empty inside anyway – *****, it’s what people told her, and she figured why not, it’s not too far from truth. She lived for pain…so why couldn’t she face whoever it was on the other side of the door?

“TAB! IT’S ME! LET ME IN!” The voice spoke, along with the infinite knocks.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

“Tab, I know you’re scared!”

Tab just shook her head, while the brine flowed down her pale cheeks, “NO. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE!”

The voice sighed, “Yes, I do. Tab, let me in, it’s okay…It’s me, Shane..”

She looked up at the door, “What do you want…”

“Tab let me in please, let’s talk okay–

“You think I’m crazy don’t you?!”

Shane sighed and put her forehead against the door, releasing the tight white grip of her fist, tired from the relentless knocking, “I don’t think you’re crazy, okay? Please, just let me in.”

Tab sniffed and wiped her tears as she stood up, facing the door, “You don’t have cops with you or anything right? You’re not…you’re not with anybody?”

Shane shook her head, “No…it’s just me, I promise.” Tab opened the door, and Shane saw her eyes full of fresh tears, with a bit of old mascara running down her pale skin, “It’s okay, Tab.” Shane put out her hand but Tab stepped back and flinched. Shane hesitated, confused with Tab’s sudden frightful reaction, “Wha-what’s wrong?”

Tab shook, walking away from Shane slowly, her voice now weak from screaming and the verge of passing out “…Everything…”

“I’m here for you Tab–

“NO!” She screamed with the last bit of strength, using the wall to keep her standing. “No…no one’s here for me… people ***** hate me, think I’m psycho, think I’m a ***** piece of *****!” Her last word was emphasized as her fist slammed into the wall behind her.

Shane cautiously stepped closer to her, slowly putting her hand on her shoulder, afraid to touch her, afraid of her stepping away again. Tab slightly calmed at the friendly touch of Shane’s warm hand. “I’m worried about you. You disappear…next thing I know your picture is on the news saying that you’re missing. And the latest is that…you’re dead.”

“I didn’t do anything…I don’t know what went wrong…” Tab blinked slowly as she looked down at her hands, still feeling as if they held evidence.

Shane cupped her cheek, her thumb slowly wiping a tear off her sallow face, “How come you didn’t tell me you’d be gone? Or call at the least?”

“I…I couldn’t…It was Ryan’s surprise.”

“Wait,” Shane’s thumb stopped, freezing at the name, “you’re still with him?!”

Tab looked into her eyes apologetically, “Shane, no–

“You can’t be ***** serious…” She took her hand away from Tab’s face, shoving it into her jean pocket and looking down, clenching her jaw shut.

Tab shook her head, “Shane–

Shane looked her dead in the eye, her bangs hiding her gall eyes, “Is it so hard? …You love him don’t you.”

Now Tab is reaching out for Shane, but Shane withdraws, making Tab’s insecurity grow, “No, I don’t.”

“Then why? ..Why?” questioned Shane, sounding as if her voice lost it’s significance…as if she was afraid to even ask.

“It doesn’t matter–he’s dead.”

“***** Tab, you killed him?!” Shane ran her fingers through her hair as she took in a deep breath.

Tab shook her head, “No. I don’t know what happened. I woke up and he was dead cold next to me…I was drenched in his blood. I don’t know what the ***** happened–I ***** swear I didn’t do it.”

Shane closed her eyes, still taking in breaths to calm her choler, “Tab, I thought you were dead–PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE DEAD!”

“But if they know I’m alive, all fingers are going to point to me,” she whispered.

Tab watched Shane pace the length of the floor, seeing her massage the back of her neck as she spoke to her, “You didn’t do it right? You’re pretty positive that you didn’t do this *****?”

Tab’s fists tightened, “You don’t believe me don’t you?!”

“No…” Shane turned around, back to pacing the room until she surrendered to sitting on a box full of clothes, “No I do…I…just need to let this sink in…”

“I’m sorry,” Tab said, as she walked over to her, “If I didn’t let him take me–

“***** it, Tab. Whatever. I believe you okay, but don’t apologize. You did what you did.”

“I love–

“I said ***** it, Tab. Just don’t.” Shane just looked away from Tab, she couldn’t let her see the inevitable hurt in her eyes. Tab kneeled in front of her, new tears beginning to form as she cupped Shane’s face to face her, all except her eyes that only Shane had control of. Shane knew she needed the eye contact, but she couldn’t have the sense right now to face her – to face the words she couldn’t bear to hear. “Tab, please.”

“You know I do.”

Shane took her hands away, “…I’m gonna go. I’ll go get you some food, and after we eat I’ll take you to my place… I’ll help you out of this. There may be a few expenses that you may have to pay me back for… but… we’ll deal with that later… I’ll be back in a few. Bye.”

Tab tried to look her in the eye, but Shane got up and walked herself out, “…Bye.”