Chapter 13


Tina pulled up in the all too familiar driveway she shared with Bette many years ago. She wasn’t anxious, nor was she angry anymore, she was worried about her best friend given the call she received from Kristen. Kristen had told Tina she left Bette in her office after telling her she was headed to New York. After a drive by the gallery to confirm Bette’s car wasn’t there, she headed for the next spot she thought Bette would be, her home.

Tina knew Bette would be upset, having argued with her, coupled with a break-up in the same night. Alice’s words rang in Tina’s ears, Bette had confided in her regarding her fears of Tina leaving.

She unlocked the door with her key that she had never given back, no matter how upsetting the relationship got. Bette had never made any effort to change the locks, it seemed too final for her to face.

“Bette?” Tina called out waiting for a response.

When none came she threw her keys in her purse, dropped her purse to the floor, and took her jacket off as she began her search the house. She peaked in the kitchen and saw Bette sitting on a lounge chair, poolside, with a drink in her hand. She was slowly sipping it, making a face when each drop of amber liquid hit her lips.

Tina opened the sliding door and stood behind her. She reached around and took the glass out of Bette’s hand and placed it on the table next to them.

“I was drinking that.”

“And clearly not enjoying it so what’s the point?”

“To lessen the pain.”

“I thought as much. However, if you’ll remember, it rarely does that long term and you only end up with a headache.”

Tina walked over to the foot part of the lounger and moved Bette’s feet to the sides making room for her to sit. She swung her leg around and straddled the seat looking at Bette with concern.

“Care to talk about it?”

“You already know or you wouldn’t be here,” Bette said.

“True,” Tina said cautiously. “Why did she leave?”

“Why did she call you?”

“Is that a trick question?” Tina asked.

“I think it’s the answer to your question actually.”

“Ah,” Tina said to fill the gap of silence not knowing what else to say.

“That’s all ya got?” Bette chuckled at Tina’s answer. “I could do better then that on my own.”

“I know, I need to be better at thinking on my feet. I’ve always been slow at that.”

“Not always,” Bette said remembering some finer moments in their relationship as they quickly flashed through her mind.

“Such as?”

“I can think of some pretty amazing moments where you thought fine on your feet.”

Tina blushed knowing the tone Bette used to indicate they were private, intimate moments.

“What can I do to help?” Tina asked in an effort to change the subject.

“Nothing.”

“You’re just giving up?”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Do you want to be with her?”

“Does that matter?”

“I think it does,” Tina answered.

“No,” Bette said as she turned and grabbed her drink again. Tina noticed this gesture and decided it wasn’t worth it to attempt to stop her from drinking the remaining few sips of alcohol she had left in the glass. “She made it clear she needed to leave and I’m going to respect that.”

“Why if it isn’t what you want?”

Bette just chuckled and shook her head no indicating she wasn’t willing to discuss the break-up in depth.

“Come on Bette, stop sulking and talk to me.”

“Sulking?” Bette raised her eyebrow in question.

“Yeah, sulking. You heard me right. If Kristen is the person you want to be with then don’t give up without a fight.”

“She’s made it clear that I’m not the one for her and I’m not playing these games. If she did this to get me to chase her in some dramatic gesture of our love then she shot herself in the foot. I won’t do that.”

“Even if you love her?”

“Even though I love her.”

The liquor began to take effect on Bette’s mind clouding her thoughts on the topic of conversation. She felt herself losing her inhibition. She felt a calmness washing over her as the last remaining sip dropped down her throat and the warmth of the liquid coated her throat and stomach.

“Why did she leave?” Tina asked wanting to know the full extent of the conversation. She watched as Bette leaned her head back and closed her eyes in an effort to relax.

“Why do they all leave?”

“Is that a trick question?”

“No,” Bette shook her head and opened her eyes. “It’s the same old story. I’m sure you experience it too. The one where everyone tries to tell you how you feel and compare themselves to the ex-wife.”

“Ah, that one, yes I am familiar with it.”

“Good, then there’s no need for me to explain further.”

“I’m sorry, I truly am.”

“I know Tina, but don’t be. It isn’t your fault nor your problem.”

Bette got up and made her way inside, wanting to sit on a more comfortable piece of furniture. She laid back in the couch and leaned her head back to rest her neck.

“You can feel the stress can’t you?”

“Always,” Bette said sadly. “I always felt the stress and you could always tell.”

Tina sat down on the couch next to Bette and smiled in her direction.

“I remember the first opening you had when we were dating,” Tina smiled at her memory. “You were so incredibly stressed and I thought things weren’t going well between us. Do you remember that?”

“Yeah, and you met me for dinner at the gallery and started crying.”

“I played it cool with you didn’t I?” Tina said laughing.

“I had no idea how to react,” Bette joined in laughing. “You made that wonderful picnic basket of my favorite food and the best wine. I opened the basket up and turned to smile at you and you burst out sobbing.”

“It wasn’t that bad!”

“It was that bad Tina, trust me.”

Tina smiled thinking back to that moment in Bette’s office when she took her in her arms and held on tight while Tina cried every tear out of her body, fearful that she was losing the woman that changed her life forever.

“You just held me and I felt so safe,” Tina said lost in thought.

“You are safe.”

“I haven’t felt that in a really long time.”

“Helena didn’t make you feel safe?” Bette asked as if attempting to bait Tina into an argument.

“I think you know the answer to that.”

“I think you know why I asked it.”

“Yes,” Tina said nodding her head. “It was never about her though. It was about me and how I felt about me after Candace.”

“There was no Candace.”

“That makes it even worse, to think that you’d cheat on me with something that meant nothing so to speak. The worst thing about it was feeling like I wasn’t worth fighting for.”

“How much was I suppose to fight to get you to notice me?”

Tina shook her head slowly with her eyes closed.

“I remember forcing the fight.”

“I remember moments like coming home early from hanging a show and you needing to exercise your demons,” Bette said in a mocking tone.

“I did need to exercise.”

“You needed to avoid me for some odd reason.”

“I was a failure Bette. You gave me everything, you supported us financially without question, and my end of the bargain wasn’t happening.”

“It was never a bargain Tina, it was a marriage.”

Tina sat in silence letting Bette’s words bounce around in her head.

“Can I ask you something?” Tina questioned her ex-wife.

“Always,” Bette said turning to face Tina on the couch.

“Does it hurt as much as it did then?”

“What is that?”

“Being left,” Tina said quietly. “I remember the pain, wishing it to stop everyday when we were apart.”

“We didn’t need to be apart, that was a choice we made.”

Tina never thought of it that way. She had always felt that she had no choice in the matter, she was a victim of circumstances beyond her control.

“Are we going to talk to Angie tomorrow?”

“I have no idea, I’m just surviving right now Tina.”

Bette walked back into the kitchen and poured herself another drink.

“Do you really want to do that?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because it won’t change anything. It didn’t back then and it won’t right now.”

“I do love her,” Bette admitted quietly, but loud enough that Tina heard her.

“I know.”

“She said she wasn’t my ‘true love’ if you can believe that one. Do you have any fucking idea how many times someone has said that to me in all these years?”

Tina remained silent.

“The sad part is that she’s right. Everything that Kristen said was right. I love her but not enough to make her my first priority.”

Tina sat down at the kitchen table to listen as Bette leaned against the counter and stared in her direction with the glass of scotch in her hand.

“She wasn’t my first priority.”

“Why not?”

“Because I put my daughter first. Then there was always work, something I still have a hard time putting to the side, and then there was always you.”

“Are you upset with me for what happened?”

“I’m upset with me for what happened. I had a wonderful woman in my life and I shit all over her.”

“She benefited from this relationship too Bette, stop being so hard on yourself.”

“She benefited? By giving me her heart and having to constantly be reminded by my actions that she wasn’t my one true love?”

“Well, I’m not innocent and I gather our daughter didn’t help much.”

Tina’s response was met with silence as Bette continued to drink.

“Can I ask you something?” Tina inquired to break the silence.

“Can you stop asking me if you can ask me something?” Bette said with a smile on her face.

“Does it burn in you like it does me?”

“What’s that?”

“Memories, desire, love,” Tina said as her eyes traveled the length of Bette’s body, taking in her beautiful figure and wonderful casualness of her attire.

“Why do you want to know?”

“Because, especially lately, I am having a hard time when memories get brought up shoving them down. That’s why I need to apologize for earlier. I was angry more at the fact that you were with someone else, jealousy rearing it’s ugly head if you will, then at the fact that Angie saw you. I know you would never do something like that in front of her and I know that you’re feeling much worse about it then anyone else.”

“I’ve been telling you that all along. Feeding into her delusional world that there’s a ‘happily ever after’ isn’t going to help either of us. It won’t help her either.”

“I know,” Tina said. “I just want to believe sometimes.”

“Why?”

“Because I miss you.”

“Ah, I know the feeling,” Bette said as she locked eyes with Tina. The electricity in the room was becoming overwhelming.

“However,” Tina blinked and looked away to break the sexual tension between them, “I know you’re hurt and my purpose here isn’t to relive memories that make me feel better. It’s to help you.”

“They help me too,” Bette admitted.

“Which ones?” Tina challenged.

“You first,” Bette smiled in acceptance.

“The first time we made love,” Tina said to start the stroll down memory lane.

“That’s a good one, but I have one better. My office, on the desk, when you came there late one night from work.”

“With nothing on underneath,” Tina smiled.

“I remember.”

“I was so aroused driving to the gallery,” Tina said in a husky tone reliving the moment.

“I remember,” Bette said with a casual smile on her face.

“I wasn’t the only one,” Tina allowed her eyes to travel the length of her ex-wife’s body again. She allowed them to rest at the beautiful curve of Bette’s breasts. Bette just allowed Tina to stare, as Tina noticed the subtle way Bette’s t-shirt clung to her breasts. Her gaze moved lower, to Bette’s waist, as a flood of memories washed over her mind.

“No you weren’t the only one, but you’ve always managed to have that effect on me don’t you?”

“I won’t apologize for it.”

“I knew you wouldn’t.”

Tina squirmed a bit in her seat, needing to change the subject, but not able to stop the thoughts from racing through her mind.

“Your turn,” she said.

“Go again,” Bette said. “I just got dumped so any stroking to my ego would be very much appreciated.”

“The infamous failed threesome,” Tina said with a smile.

“That was awful, how could you pick that as a good memory?”

“Because when I placed your hand between my legs, I watched you come unglued and it melted my heart as well as other parts of my body.”

“It meant a lot to me that you’d do that for me.”

“I know,” Tina said. “I can’t even remember that guy to be honest. All I remember was looking at you, seeing your chest rise and fall each time I pulled away from our kiss.”

“I needed to reconnect so badly with you,” Bette said as she stepped closer to Tina.

“And you did,” Tina answered with a seductive smile.

“The insemination, tasting the wine on your lips, feeling the smooth skin on your back and knowing that you were going to impregnate me. There was something so sexy about the way you touched me, it was so gentle like you were being so careful, and yet there was that underlying need present.”

Bette took a quick breath in having it catch in her throat. She was closer to Tina now, close enough to smell her perfume, feel the heat off her body.

“The way you straddled me was sexy as hell.”

“Picture perfect if I remember correctly.”

“If you do say so yourself,” Bette said smiling.

“I do say so myself,” Tina said again. She found herself standing closer to Bette, trailing her eyes from Bette’s eyes to her full, sensual lips.

“When I told you I was pregnant.”

“Oh please,” Bette rolled her eyes. “I was an asshole that day.”

“But you said sorry and seeing you that excited made everything else disappear.”

“The night I came home after nearly getting fired,” Bette countered.

“That night, why?” Tina asked surprised.

“You were so tender and I was so high on success. I felt like everything was going so right for us at that moment. It was like nothing could touch us, our happiness.”

Bette stepped forward, now both women were inches from each other, the tension rising.

“Holding you after the Faye Buckley debate.”

“Why?” Bette’s question was breathless.

“It showed your emotion, I knew then that you hurt as much as I did. You finally let some of it out.”

“So not all our moments are about sex?”

“Disappointed Porter?” Tina asked with a smile on her face.

“Ultrasound sex,” Bette brought the topic back to light.

“That was good,” Tina agreed as she licked her lips unconsciously.

“That day, in your kitchen, was amazing.”

Tina put her hands on Bette’s arms, massaging the skin underneath her fingertips.

“The feel of your skin after all that time,” she said in a husky tone. “When I slipped your jacket off I thought I was going to come apart from needing you so much.”

“When I kissed your stomach I did come apart.”

“Yes I remember that very well. I think it was ‘oh my fucking God or something just as poetic.”

Bette licked her lips and tilted her head, but not pushing further for a kiss. Tina felt Bette’s breath on her skin, the closeness of her ex-wife reeking havoc on her body and emotions.

“We aren’t going to do this,” Tina said quietly while her body protested her words. She moved as close as she could and leaned forward to try to capture Bette’s lips with her own.

“No we aren’t.”

“I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“You aren’t,” Bette wrapped her arms around Tina’s back to hold her still.

“I won’t also be some drunk thing that you’ll regret.”

“No regrets,” Bette said as she rubbed the side of Tina’s nose with her own causing Tina to close her eyes and muster one last sentence.

“What would it mean then?”

“That I want you more then I’ve wanted anything else in my life and I’m tired of fighting it.”