Chapter 27

Angelica looked at Bette with her mouth hanging open, not fully understanding why she was emerging from Tina’s bathroom wearing the clothes her mother had worn earlier that day. Tears of anguish were rolling down her cheeks, her breathing irregular, as she tried to gain enough control to ask Bette why she was at their house in the first place.

“Bette,” Tina said in a warning tone accompanied by a raised eyebrow in question.

Although Tina was against keeping their relationship a secret, she knew how important it was to Bette that it remain that way for Angelica’s benefit. Bette’s fears at the relationship failing again were very real to her and Tina wanted Bette to be confident in their relationship before she spoke to Angelica about them being back together.

“Make sure you’re ready for this,” Tina warned.

Bette merely walked forward and sat on the bed and put her hand on Angelica’s thigh.

“Boo, I could never hate you. You are my daughter and the minute that you were conceived my life has never been the same. You’re an incredible blessing and you expressing your opinion won’t change how much I love you, even if that opinion differs from what I think. I want you to be secure in my love Boo, not worrying about whether or not I love you because we disagreed.”

Angelica just shook her head to show Bette that she understood what she was saying, but no words could be formed as she tried to gain control of her breathing.

“I want you to always remember that you are one of the true loves of my life Honey,” Bette said kindly to her daughter accompanied by a sincere smile.

Angelica looked up between Bette and Tina, still puzzled at what was going on before her. Bette reached over and wiped Angelica’s tears off her face using her thumb, a gesture she had done so many times over the years.

“Bette, maybe if we take a minute…” Tina tried to interrupt in an effort to slow the conversation down and give Bette a moment to clearly think through what she was about to reveal to their daughter.

“No Tina, I want my family back. I need my family back.”

“What do you mean Mama B?”

“I mean,” Bette gently began her explanation. “I want to talk to you about some things that I hope you’ll be happy about. I can’t hold it in anymore.”

“Hold what in?”

“How happy I am.”

“I’m so confused,” Angelica said looking at a joyous Bette wanting further clarification on the topic of conversation.

“I know,” Bette smiled and tucked a stray piece of hair behind Angelica’s ear. “First I want to make sure you know that whatever I’ve done since you’ve been in my life, I’ve done with you in the forefront of my mind and that’s why I’ve wanted to wait to tell you what I’m about to say.”

Angelica merely nodded, confused as ever, and waited for Bette to continue.

“When your Mom and I split up, after you were born, it took me such a long time to come to terms with the fact that we weren’t going to be together. I think I’ve let that fear cloud my judgment in some areas even now and for that I am so sorry.”

“But that’s what I don’t understand,” Angelica interrupted. “If you both love each other then why can’t you be together?”

“It’s not that we can’t….” Bette started to say when Tina interrupted her.

“Because I made a mistake,” Tina said with fear in her eyes.

Bette saw Tina struggling with the admission she was going to make to their daughter. She rubbed Tina’s thigh, a gesture of reassurance that was noticed by Angelica. She looked at Bette’s hand resting lovingly on her mother’s thigh and became even more confused. She was used to seeing small gestures of love between them, but often they were quick and what they believed to be covert. However, this one was different. Bette left her hand there and seemed to not even notice that she was caressing Tina’s thigh to offer support.

“After you were born Mama B and I were together in the sense that we lived together and tried to repair the relationship we once had. I just want you to know that you weren’t the only reason we tried that though, we both loved each other in our own ways, but it just wasn’t working. I was struggling with so many things Angie and I let it fall apart.”

“Like what?”

“Our money issues, neither of us had a job and that put a lot of strain on our relationship. I was so hung up on our finances that I couldn’t see past that to understand that Mama B was struggling with her self-worth, feeling like she let us down. It’s ironic that in not seeing that, I was the one that let her down. I was too busy to be supportive and that was wrong of me. I was just so worried about keeping things afloat financially that I lost sight of the emotional needs we had as well.”

“I still am so sorry for that,” Bette said quietly looking down at the covers that draped over Angelica and Tina. “Losing my job like that and putting us through those shaky times.”

“It wasn’t your fault The CAC couldn’t align themselves with your vision. Look at how far you’ve come with your own gallery, you’re extremely successful with that vision and you’ve proven that it works.”

Bette shrugged her shoulders as a response to Tina’s compliment.

“And I’m very proud of you,” Tina added with a smile. She nudged Angelica to signal her to chime in with her thoughts on the subject.

“Oh me too,” Angelica said confused as ever regarding this conversation. “I just don’t know what this has to do with why you weren’t together all these years?”

“Well on top of the money issues, we just didn’t get along. We grew, separately, when we were apart and I dated your Aunt Helena. So when we got back together, we weren’t the same people. There was a lot of pain between us that seemed to outweigh everything else.”

“Pain?” Angelica asked.

“It was easier to feed the anger then it was to admit our failures and work harder to fix them,” Bette said.

“Can you just please explain what happened?” Angelica was getting impatient.

“Yes,” Tina said as she tried to reign in her emotions to accurately present what happened so Angelica could understand. “When I decided to move forward and become pregnant, without telling Mama B, I had a vision in my head of what I thought our life would be. But then I found out about Candace, we broke up, I dated Helena, nothing was what I pictured it would be like and I resented that. I felt like it was all taken away from me and I had to change my entire outlook of what I thought my life would be like. I didn’t want to change that though, the years I spent with Mama B were some of the best years of my life in the beginning. So I got back with Mama B because I wanted that picture perfect life I thought we could have.”

“What happened to it?”

“We were broke, I felt resentful that I couldn’t stay home with you and had to change my plans and go to work for Aunt Helena. The resentment grew bigger then Mama B and I. I found myself tired, tired of always walking the harder road, and I just wanted a life without so many challenges.”

“So working is the harder road?” Angelica was obviously still confused.

“Everything in my life at that point was the harder road. It started with what Mama B and I had to go through to even conceive a child. It isn’t the same as a heterosexual couple that can just plan a pregnancy, and sometimes not even plan it, and not have to involve lawyers and contracts, and search for whom they believe would be a good donor based on their interests, health, and family history. None of that was easy Angelica. This is exactly the point I was trying to make to you regarding the life choices Bette and I have made. We didn’t chose who we fell in love with, it wasn’t a choice that Mama B captured my heart to the point where I changed my entire life to be with her. If it were a choice, there are times that it would have been easier to travel the road with less obstacles, and I would have picked that one.”

“So you didn’t want to be with Mama B because it got too hard?”

“When my life didn’t match what I thought the perfect picture was, I went in search of that perfect picture. I actually convinced myself that I was doing it partially for you.”

“Oh, so it was in my best interest that my parents aren’t together?” Angelica said sarcastically with an undertone of anger.

“I’m never going to tell you that I was right Angie. I know that leaving Mama B to have an easier life wasn’t the answer.”

“So let me guess, you cheated too?”

“Angie,” Bette warned. “Take it easy, we’re trying to help you understand. That’s all we want to do.”

“I didn’t cheat,” Tina said in an angered tone. “Mama B and I lived together but we were a far cry from a couple.”

“But you were still living together!”

“Angie,” Bette said in an effort to calm her down.

“No, you were still living together and trying! You just said that! So you’re both cheaters!”

Angelica got up off the bed and made her way to Tina’s bedroom door.

“Stop right there!” Bette said in a loud voice causing Angelica to freeze where she stood. “If you think, for one second, that we’re reliving this mess for our own sakes you are sorely mistaken. So, the very least you can do, is get back over here and hear your mother out!”

Angelica didn’t move.

“I’m not kidding Angelica,” Bette warned. “What I won’t do is allow you to treat us like this again. You were just over here crying because you thought I was angry at what you said and now you’re reverting right back to that behavior with your mother!”

“I don’t want to know anymore!” Angelica screamed as tears streamed down her face.

“Too bad Angie,” Bette retorted. “You started this since you felt you were mature enough to handle it, so now you’re going to hear the rest of it whether you like it or not!”

“Fine,” Angelica folded her arms against her chest and stood near the door. “Make it quick so I can leave.”

“Angie you are on thin ice.”

“You just don’t get it Mama B! You don’t know what it’s like to be me!”

“Angie I think I have a pretty good idea,” Bette said in a calmer voice. “I know what it’s like to want your parents together because I never stopped wanting that for my own. You’re being offered a luxury I wasn’t in that we’re talking to you about it and working on it.”

“Working on what?”

“Bette,” Tina said shaking her head. “Let’s just take a break for a second.”

“Working on what?” Angelica repeated.

Bette looked back and forth from Tina to Angelica with a confused look on her face.

“Angie give us a second ok?” Tina asked in a manner to dismiss her daughter from the room. Angelica opened the door and slammed it shut when she passed through it on her way to her bedroom.

“What’s going on T?”

“I don’t want to throw that we’re together on top of this discussion of Henry.”

“What do you mean you don’t want to throw it on top of the Henry thing? She wants us together and we are, so why shouldn’t we tell her that?”

“Because she’s upset and I want it to be something she can ultimately be happy about and telling her when she is resonating in anger isn’t going to make that an easy transition.”

“So that’s it? That’s the end of the discussion?”

“No,” Tina said quietly. “I think we should just get this Henry thing over with and tell her about us tomorrow after she’s had a chance to think about things and calm down.”

“Get this Henry thing over with?”

“I don’t want to tell her Bette. It’s that simple, but I know I have to so yes, let’s just get it over with.”

“It isn’t easy to hear it either Tina.”

“I know,” Tina said engaging in a staring contest with her ex-wife.

“This is ridiculous really,” Bette said shaking her head and breaking eye contact with Tina. “We need to just tell her that we’re together after you talk to her about Henry.”

“What is going on Bette?”

“What?” Bette said slightly angered.

“First you don’t want to say anything to anyone and now you’ve come completely full circle and want to dump it on our daughter at the same time you want to tell her that her mother left her other mother for a man even though she’s a lesbian?”

“Tina, I thought you’d be happy that I want our relationship out in the open.”

“Then let’s focus on that and stop hurting Angie with the shit from our past.”

“She needs to understand Tina, how can she do that without the help of knowing how we got to where we are?”

“What good is it doing? Look at how upset she is!”

“Is this about you not wanting to fall from grace?” Bette asked in anger.

“What?”

“Look,” Bette tried to backpedal, but she already clearly saw the anger in Tina’s face at her question that was vocalized more out of spite then an actual quest for the answer. “I plan on telling her we’re together. I want her to know and I don’t want to wait another minute to celebrate the best things in my life Tina.”

“Fine, then bring her back in here and we’ll tell her I left you for a man and then spring it on her that it likely doesn’t matter because we’re together anyway.”

“It matters Tina.”

Bette’s admission was met with silence from Tina.

“Do you think it really doesn’t matter?”

“I heard you that it does.”

“So why would you even think…?” Bette was interrupted mid-sentence.

“Because it matters to the point of me being embarrassed and ashamed of what I did to you and our family! Do you think it was easy for me to lose everything I had while I hid in fear of a life more difficult for Angie and for me? Do you think it was easy for me to be dubbed the one that broke up the super couple to go back to a man?!”

“I know that feeling, if you remember, I was that person for a long time when I cheated with Candace!” Bette yelled back and then got up and began to pace the length of the room in anger. “I know what it’s like to be punished, I went through it myself and continue to go through it. What I want is you Tina! What I want is to stop having us punish ourselves over our past and move forward!”

“But we keep talking about it so we do keep punishing ourselves.”

“We talk about it because secrets always come out,” Bette said in a calmer tone. “She’ll keep asking, it will get mentioned, it’s not something that people don’t still talk about in our small family.”

“Then they need to stop.”

“That’s not what they need to do Tina. What needs to happen is Angelica hearing from the sources what happened and then no matter what anyone says, she has a clear understanding and can adequately respond to it.”

“Fine, I just don’t want us being back together to be overshadowed by anger over Henry.”

“Then we can wait to tell her when she’s had some time,” Bette said as she sat back down next to Tina and placed her hand on Tina’s thigh. “We need to love her enough to give her the ammunition she needs to fight the bigotry she’ll encounter. If she can’t understand what happened, she’ll fight a losing battle every time. They’ll be other spiteful people besides this one in school.”

“I said fine,” Tina responded.

Bette went out of the bedroom and knocked on Angelica’s door. When there was no answer to her knock, she knocked harder.

“Angie, we want to talk to you, open this door.”

“I don’t want to,” Angelica said as tears streamed down her face.

Tina made her way into the hallway, trying the doorknob only to confirm what Bette had already knew, it was indeed locked.

“I thought I told you to take this damn lock off?” Bette asked.

“You did, I’ve been busy and will get to it,” Tina responded back in a hushed tone. “Angie open this door.”

Angelica knew by the tone of Tina’s voice she was not to push her on this issue. She got up and unlocked the door, running back to her bed, laying down, and hiding her face in her pillow.

Bette walked in and sat at the foot of the bed while Tina leaned on the door jam for support.

“I did not cheat, I had moved out of the bedroom by the time I met someone else.”

“So you didn’t want to be in a relationship with Mama B, but you wanted to live in her house?”

“I confided in your Mama B that I had feelings developing and I was struggling with their meaning and what to do about it. Frankly I was scared that my life for so many years was a waste and for the second damn time in my life I stood to lose everything!”

Bette sensed Tina growing upset as the conversation continued. She thought about standing up and going to her, but she also knew that Tina would likely not want the interruption as she made it clear she wanted to quickly confess what happened and move on.

“I felt like I was so alone Angie, you have no idea how hard it was for me to tell Mama B I had feelings developing.”

“And who was it this time Mom?” Angie asked in anger as she picked her head up off the pillow and glared at Tina.

“It wasn’t someone in particular,” Tina tried to explain. “I began to develop feelings…” Tina’s voice trailed off as if she were afraid to vocalize her attraction to men. Helena’s words rang in her ears once more, warning her that she likely would not have a response to Angelica’s following confusion and questioning regarding the topic.

“I began to develop feelings for men Angie.”

“What?” Angelica asked in anger.

“I said I developed feelings for men.”

“How would you even know that if you weren’t dating men for a long time?” Angelica fired her question at Tina.

“Because in searching for the perfect life I was trying to tell you about in my bedroom, it became evident to me that men can provide a level of stability and acceptance that women can’t.”

“What? You’re saying Mama B can’t give you stability or acceptance?” Angelica was now angry rather then being upset and hurt.

“Mama B can’t marry me, Mama B and I aren’t considered ‘normal’ by society’s standards,” Tina stammered to try to illustrate her point. “Mama B can’t provide me health insurance as a covered spouse on her plan because the government won’t allow same sex marriages.”

“Love is love Mom,” Angelica said in spite. “You’re right, I did need to know this, because now I know why you can’t be together. You’re both horrible to each other and I’m glad you let each other go! I never want you back together again!”

Angelica got up, tears streaming down her face, and ran out the door yelling back that she’d be at Cathy’s house next door.

Bette and Tina stood there staring at one another in shock.

“Did that just happen?” Bette asked to break the silence.

“Yep.”

“She’ll calm down.”

“You heard her didn’t you? Now she doesn’t want us back together so yet again, we hurt her.”

“She’ll calm down T, especially if we give her time.”

“I hate to say I told you so Bette,” Tina said shaking her head.

“Then don’t.”

“I told you so,” Tina wiped a tear away as it wet her cheek, paving the way for the ones to follow.