I rubbed at my eyes again with the heel of my hand and turned the key in the ignition, killing the engine.  Of course I knew what I was going to do; I almost smiled ruefully as I opened the car door and stepped out onto the sidewalk.  I could have sat there debating whether to go into the house or not for hours; the end result would have been the same.  As I walked up the pathway towards the front door I’m sure there was a part of me that was screaming and running and giving voice to the hot white anger that roiled in my stomach.  There must have been.  But I couldn’t feel it.  In fact, I couldnt feel anything.  Just numb.

I slid my key into the lock and turned it, feeling the latch slide easily on its bearing and trying not to peer inside the house, looking for her.  I remembered another time when she and I had sat on the steps, glowing in the aftermath of one another, of how we used to get lost in each other’s arms, the night slipping away behind us, trailing dawn in a reddened aura onto our bed, our skin, our love.

Entering the living room, I pushed the door closed behind me, the tiny click of the latch rejoining its coupling barely registering in my harried mind.  I was nervous, apprehension creeping through my body and sending twinges of nausea into my belly.  The silence of the house buzzed in my ears and I blinked twice, hard, to try and dispel the overwhelming sadness reeking in every step I took.  Where was she?  She couldnt have left, surely?  A frown crept across my mind as I tentatively moved forwards; creeping as though I was the intruder across the paneled wood floor of our home.  My hand slid away from my body, as though I could touch the things around me; the deep sofa we had bought together, the hand-painted portrait Bette had given to me on our anniversary, the antique table that still held the book I had been reading.  All these things that bound the two of us together; the accumulations of seven years and all they amounted to were just that.  Things.  Without her fidelity, nothing held any substance any more.  I looked down at my outstretched hand and the ache swelled in my chest.  Without her ring on my finger, what did I have left that meant anything?