So I found myself back here after 10 years and to be completely honest nothing scared me more. The very thought of seeing Dana again made my stomach bubble with a mix of emotion. Part of me hoped I could get through the whole visit never seeing her, yet another wanted to see her for closure if nothing else. I needed to build up the courage to contact her, which is why I didn’t tell her I was back. I never wanted her to find out the way she did, it was unfair and insensitive of me to take the chance. When Shane told me she saw me on the street I felt so guilty because I knew what a mix of emotion she’d be feeling. Knowing Dana I also knew she’d be having this internal war with herself over whether to get in contact with me. I allowed Shane to give her my phone number and when she never called I thought maybe she didn’t want to see me again. I felt the pain return to my heart at the thought of Dana rejecting me. Then I received the first letter from her and I didn’t know what to do. My heart was telling me that this was what I had waited 10 years for but my head was telling me to be careful because it was also the one thing that could cause me the most pain. How could I choose, how could I know which decision was the right one? Could I take the chance and risk my heart again? I just didn’t know. So I thought meeting Dana again would help me answer these questions. In reality the first meeting confused me even more. It was like we were both strangers, but there was still that pull to her. It was strange to feel distant, yet connected to her. I kept going over in my head what I wanted to say, but my mouth just wouldn’t say it. I left the meeting feeling deflated, confused, lost and just generally mixed up. I knew I wanted her, but neither of us talk about the past, the things we needed to talk about if we were to get back together. So I went home and wallowed in self pity, cursing myself for not having the courage to say what I wanted to say. Isn’t it funny, we know what is good for us and what will make us happy, but instead of grabbing it we find reasons to push it away. I got myself caught up in the what ifs, worrying about history repeating itself. I really should have been remembering that we learn from our mistakes, what we do wrong once we never do again. So when Dana told me her feelings about the meeting in the letter, my heart was breaking because my head was so full of doubts. If truth be told, I wrote to you because I wanted you to tell me I should get back together with Dana. Of course you didn’t, well not directly anyway, but you made me think and more importantly listen to my heart. When your reply came, I read it time and time again. I took in every last piece of advice, I knew I had to sit down and listen carefully to what my heart was telling me. When I listened the only thing I could hear was it calling Dana. No matter how much logic was telling me I couldn’t go back, the ache and calling of my heart told me I had to. In saying that there was one thing I needed, I needed Dana and I to talk openly and face to face about the past. The second time we met up, there was no fear, no hiding we just talked. She told me that back then she got scared at how clingy I had become. She was so used to seeing the fun loving Alice and she didn’t know how to deal with the change. I could understand that, of course I could, I scared myself. She told me that she didn’t want to hurt me and that’s why she suggested the break. She could see how much my insecurities where eating away at me and she thought the break would help me see things clearly. She told me that if she’d known I would think it permanent and run away she never would’ve suggested it. I told her about my fears of that insecure Alice returning and having to go through the same thing as 10 years ago, a history repeating itself. I had never felt a love like the one I had for Dana and the fear of losing that love brought out all my insecurities and weaknesses. So as we talked we both realised our insecurities, but more importantly we realised if we just talked through them we could overcome them. At the end of the meeting I knew where I belonged, it was here in LA with Dana.