I guess Alice had a point.  It was easy to behave like the locals did.  Rather quickly at that.
 
Having had my fill at MOMA I headed out intending to go back to hotel.  Looking up, the high-rises were graced with a clear light blue sky as background today.  Perfect weather to take a short leisurely walk as I contemplated taking the post and living here.
 
Madison.  I needed to walk toward Madison to reach the Palace.  Glancing quickly left then right to get my bearings, it was easy to make out which direction would lead me to 5th Avenue. Thereafter I turned right towards St. Patrick’s Cathedral.  A joy to behold.  Lovely architecture amidst the modern backdrop. Spiritual escape bordered by the material extravagance offered within the exclusive brand stores in the vicinity. 
 
The surrounding crowd to which I belonged moved to cross the street, the lights having changed in our favor.  Walking eastward afforded me the opportunity to appreciate the left side of the building. 
 
I felt like a tourist.  First the museum, now the cathedral.
 

It occurred to me again while walking with and against the crowds that I could get lost in the mindless bustle.  It may not be ideal to raise a family but now, for me…maybe it’s exactly what I needed. Approached in a manner befitting change and opportunity, people find happiness. Find themselves.  

 
In a way it would be easier.  To start over.  Forging a new history in a sense.  The distance and passage of time would dull the sharpness of old memories.  Supplanted by new ones as each day revealed itself. 
 
This city would provide refuge in its disarray.  The confusion would be a welcome distraction.  As would the organized chaos and incessant activity, both profitable and not.  It wouldn’t quarrel with my participation. 
 
Selfish or not I admit to wanting more.  I want a life to be proud of.  One that completes me.  Whether alone or with someone, I want to be happy.  I’d prefer the latter of course.  I want to care for someone.  For someone to care for me.  And eventually, a family.  A child.  Children even.  To share in the joy of life.  One, that in truth, wasn’t necessarily locale specific.
 
Sighing softly, I also readily admit what I know to be true.  I’m tired of having just my shadow as company.  In the house, what used to be our home. 
 
Of course it was more than the being physically alone.  Much more. 
 
Quickly, I took a step to my left to avoid colliding into a rather large man.  Glancing up, I stopped to chuckle softly at the retail store that stood in front of me.  Jimmy Choo.  Alice, Alice, Alice.  Miles away yet always present. 

‘You’ll miss me too much’ she’d said in parting when I saw her last. 
 
Restoring my gait, I realized exactly that.  I’d miss her too much.  Her.  Kit.  Alice. Shane. Dana. Jenny. Carmen.  Not to mention James.  Friends. Colleagues. LA.
 
Tina. 
 
Shane was right.  ‘Saying’ isn’t believing.  Much as it would pain me to see her sharing a life with someone else, tortured with the idea that person could have been me, wishing things were different while wanting nothing but the best for her, I couldn’t bear the alternative. 
 
Not seeing her at all. 
 
Moreover, a life of my own.  In my home.  Places I knew. Surrounded by people I love.    Making and having a life I would cherish.  

I didn’t need another night to sleep on it.  

Here, in this wonderful city, I would always be a tourist.