We cared for each other.  That was obvious.  But no promises have been exchanged.  No pledges of love made.  We were comfortable with each other. 

We’d been dating for a while but didn’t start sleeping with each other until recently.  She had hinted at doing so some time before we finally did but didn’t push.  I was interested in her and a part of me was curious about being with another woman although my attachment to Bette still haunted me.  Rushing into another relationship, casual or otherwise was not my intent. 

The first time would be poignantly meaningful.  Bette would no longer be my only.

So it happened.  There’s always a first time for everything.  It was different and special in its own way.  Physically, Helena took care to satisfy my needs.  She had my full attention and I had hers.  There were moments of awkward coordination but not unlike other initial couplings.  We were both satisfied and soothed by each other’s presence.

It was only after we’d moved away from each other that I allowed myself to remember Bette. 

No, the world didn’t come crashing down nor did I crumble to pieces.  It wasn’t quite that drastic.  But yes, my throat constricted and there was a dull ache in my heart.  Thankfully, my head was turned away from Helena. 

I wouldn’t have known how to explain the sadness in my eyes as a tear fell.

My restlessness had not abated.  Making slow progress so as not to disturb Helena, I vacated the bed and made my way to the balcony.  Opening the well-greased sliding doors, they hardly made a sound as I stepped out to the night air.  Breathing deeply, I hoped to clear my mind of the myriad of related thoughts that were marching through my head. 

I chose the wrong place to find solace.  The balcony overlooked a garden and heated pool.   Much grander and more expansive than what we had at the house but still…a reminder nonetheless.

It’s not fair I know, comparisons shouldn’t be made but I can’t help it necessarily.  Somewhat disconcerting but probably to some degree expected, sleeping with Helena had opened the floodgates to remembering how it was with Bette. 

Especially the first time.