Previously

My now empty glass touches my lower lip where hers touched that first meeting. I return to the present freeing my thoughts from the memories of that first night. Getting up to collect the opened bottle by the sink, I indulge in just one more glass, intending to leave half its contents. I know I couldn’t carouse all night – I had to be alert for work in the morning.

Wanting to make sure the details have at least been captured correctly during consultation, I sit back resting the red liquid on the coffee table. Tearing open the envelope, its contents spilled onto the waiting surface. Picking up the cover sheet, my eyes focus on the greeting.

‘Ms. Porter,’ it read, ‘As instructed, herewith is the proposed settlement offer for your partner, Tina Kennard’.

—–

Clarity can surface at the most unsettling and tumultuous times. The finality was as certain as the physical document that lay in my hands.

In the packet was the appraisal of the house, cars, art, and all their financial accounts including all monetary investments and other assets. The list of items accounted for most of the volume of material. The firm secured a third party to perform the assessments. Not that the numbers ran the risk of being contested, she wasn’t like that. The use of the impartial party was an attempt to provide some assurance things would hopefully go quickly and smoothly.

As painless as could be in an impossible situation like this.

Everything was itemized but for the money from my recent work for the individual buyer contracts engaged. Neither were our rings. The intent was to have them made into a pendant I could wear on a chain, close to my heart. A reminder of what was – our joy, our life and my failure. It was the only thing I was consciously selfish about, materially I mean. It would give me one tangible thing that would outlast this dissolution and the passing of time.

Also provided was a list of three suggested firms for Tina’s representation should she choose to engage someone’s counsel. My instructions were straightforward, assess all assets and divide neatly in half. Tina would choose the method of distribution. If she wanted the house, she would have it. If she preferred cash, it would be sold or I would get a second mortgage – whatever was quicker for her to get her share. Everything could be sold. Pieces of our life available to the highest bidder such as it were.

My lawyer was flabbergasted initially. “I don’t advise this,” he said, “not while you’re under tremendous emotional stress.” Legally, he continued, the division of assets was not required. Some items were acquired prior to our relationship he argued. That I didn’t need to be so…generous he put it.

Now that was laughable. I almost fired him right then. His escape secured only because I knew he was trying to do his job looking out for the interests of his client.

I said simply, “Believe me Mr. Maxwell, I’m not extending this settlement lightly nor is it an attempt to be viewed laudable. I understand that legally I am not bound or even expected to do certain things. I don’t want the shelter society offers given our union is – was not traditional. I want to do this. She deserves some financial security.”

My mood softens as I continue, “Look, if we were still together she would have access to more than what’s being offered. Please just do this for me. We were partners and that means something. Although my recent actions belie this, make no mistake she meant more to me than anyone has or will. This is what’s going to happen.”

Retreating from the anger threatening to spill over, I reiterated with resolve, “Whatever she wants Cole, she can have it.”

Thoughtfully, he looks at me and asks, “All right. I will execute your wishes as outlined but as your lawyer, may I ask, what prompted this? Do you realize the finality of it all?”

His query was fair but wasn’t entitled an answer. I recognized his veiled attempt to serve as my counsel again and give me pause. Perhaps hoping I would rescind the terms. I looked at him pointedly and he shook his head slightly, recognizing my determination.

The uncertainty this awful situation presented was a matter of consequence. It was self-defeating to have so many questions bear down on the present and future. Granted, the possibility of at least some questions being answered was halted by her inability to give me an audience. But how could I blame her for that? How many people would be willing to hear an explanation most likely enveloped in excuses? Not many.

Sadly, from my perspective, I would actually choose and cling to this limbo, swirling with the ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes’. That is if there would have been any hope of our reconciliation. However, it wasn’t fair that we continue to linger in this unknown, especially for her. She deserved better. This was one way she could move forward. At this point, it’s all I had to give.

Hopefully, one day I would be able to move on as well.

Cole wasn’t going make me doubt my course of action with his inquiry. Inadvertently though, he certainly succeeded in transplanting me back to that day. That day that was the catalyst bringing me to this one. The image of her arms circling someone else still vividly burned to memory.