He was 45 years old when you were born and he’d already semi-retired. While I continued to travel all over the world he chose to stay in London with you until the day he died. It was never in the plan that I would become a stay at home mom, but I certainly didn’t expect to be away from you as much as I was while you were growing up. It wasn’t my intention to leave your rearing completely in his hands but that’s how it turned out. Your father doted on you. In his eyes you could do no wrong. He was your best friend and your partner in crime. I didn’t stand a chance when you two sided against me and believe me that was quite often. Even at a very young age he always gave you the freedom to make your own decisions. When you did well he praised you. When you did poorly he made it right.

He never scolded you or made you accountable. He neglected to teach you the life lessons that we often learn from our mistakes. What he did teach you was that ‘daddy will make it better’ and soon you learned to count on him to do just that. I don’t think he ever realized how damaging that parenting style could be when it wasn’t balanced with a moral upbringing.  He basically taught you to be selfish, arrogant and self- satisfying. If you couldn’t get your way by asking you would just take it as an entitlement. No one else and nothing else mattered as long as your needs were satisfied.  He empowered you so much so that when things got out of control he didn’t know how to reel you in. He didn’t know how to take back the power he’d given over so freely so he did the next best thing; he tried to protect you from yourself. He used his money and influences to do it. That only served to teach you another socially unacceptable lesson; that no matter what you did or who you hurt ’daddy’ would always be there to bail you out of trouble.  When I tried to institute some discipline I became the ’bad guy’ but I endured it. I couldn’t tolerate an undisciplined child. I needed you to be accountable. I expected you to experience the consequences of your actions so that you could learn the lessons I was trying to teach you. It was my idea to put you in boarding school. Your dad fought it tooth and nail but I finally won out. I thought perhaps being in a more structured environment would help but all it served to do was hone your skills at defying even more levels of authority. You disregarded any attempts any of us made at setting or enforcing boundaries. You were always so angry and aggressive. The older you got the more verbally abusive you became. I’m sure you recall all the arguments we’ve had. The fact is I was no match for you Helena. When your father sided with you against me I had no chance of being heard so I simply gave up. I’m not proud to say this because I am not a quitter in any other aspect of my life, but the fact is I quit my family. I gave up on you, your father, our marriage, our family.