Alright, I seem to be hitting a road block with these journals”they keep leading away from myself and to other areas of my life. Dan says that I need to reflect on where Ive been in order to know where Im going. Well, Ive recounted my childhood and how I ended up here in LA. Ive touched on my relationship with my wife and still I cannot think of anything else to talk about.
Maybe I should start from the beginning and tell why I am sitting here writing my deepest emotions. Ive never spoken about that night. Everyone assumes that I was just too drunk to remember, but I remember it well. It was the moment in my life when I honestly felt that there was no hope and the only logical thing to do would be to die. I wouldnt have had to fail anymore. I wouldnt have to watch the pain and worry I was putting Tina through. I wouldnt have to watch the fear that my friends had for my health. I just wouldnt have had to do anything. My life had taken such an emotional tailspin. Everything that could go wrong at work did. Franklin was constantly undermining me in all decisions and completely taking me for granted. Im a ***** Ivy League educated woman for Gods sake and I didnt have to stand for his *****. I would work 12-hour days and come home to find Tina already asleep or mad at me for missing dinner again. But, could I blame her? No, we hardly had a marriage anymore. Id come home and shed my suit jacket and all Id want to do is heat up the leftovers and relax. We were hardly ever intimate unless it was a special occasion and as much as I would have loved to make love to Tina every day of my life I was just too exhausted to even fathom the idea. Tina was convinced at this point that I didnt love her anymore and that we were headed for devastation. Ive always loved Tina, never for a second did I not; I loved her before I even knew her. But, I didnt know how to show her anymore. Showing emotion, to me, was like running a marathon”you start of strong but then at some point you hit the wall. When I looked into Tinas cold, hurting eyes, that was my wall. Looking back I cant even believe she stayed with me. In retrospect it could have all been avoided. If I had just come home and kissed her as passionately as my heart wanted to then maybe it could have been fixed. But, I didnt think she wanted me to kiss her and I let my insecurities dictate my actions. But they say hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, to get back on topicwork was a major cause of stress, my marriage was crumbling and I didnt know how to fix it which wasnt something Bette Porter ever wanted to admit, Tina and I had lost our first baby and I was feeling more and more fatigued everyday. It got to a point where I felt so sick one day that I fainted and James had witnessed the whole ordeal and called the ambulance and Tina. After a brief stay in the ER they admitted me and wanted to do a series of test and what not to rule out the cause of my fainting. A few excruciating days later I got the worst news of my life. I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma and had to undergo chemo and radiation”the whole 9. My life crumpled and the only thing on my mind was that I needed to take care of Tina. I needed to protect her from this. So, I mustered up whatever strength I had left and put on a smile and professed that I was not going to let this beat me. Well, I overestimated myself and began throwing myself into work, I started smoking again, I was drinking way more that I ever used to and instead of this news bringing Tina and I closer it actually tore us even further apart. Tina, being the amazing nurturer she is, wanted to take care of me physically and emotionally. And I being the stubborn, proud one I refused to let her in. It wasnt that I didnt want to include her; I just couldnt bear the thought of putting her through it. She and I were constantly fighting and she told me that if she couldnt be there for me then she couldnt witness it at all. She had moved out and was staying with Alice for about a week. Thats when they found me. Shane and Alice were coming over to see how I was feeling and they found me in the pool, drunk out of my skull. They carried me to my bedroom and changed my clothes and got me into bed. All I kept saying was Im sorry. They thought it was meant for them because they kept apologizing too, but it was for Tina. It was for all those times I was just too stubborn to let her in. And now, when I needed her the most, I pushed her away far enough so that shed be gone. Alice had phoned Tinas cell and what seemed like an eternity later I felt the soft, familiar body wrap her arms around me from behind almost as if protecting me from the surrounding world. All I could do was cry and she just held me and kissed each and every tear away. She was crying too now and we just lied there entangled in each others bodies, holding one another and silently apologizing to the other. Tina says we fell in love again at that moment when I put my wall down. It was after the pool incident as we refer to it that we decided that I need some help to get my life back. Well, thats why Im here. Tina and I have a doctors appointment now to check on the baby. Shes approaching 11 weeks, which is where she lost the last baby so were praying everything will work out. Until then