The hot spring night was caressing Tinas dreams as she was lying on the bed, the smile on her face growing while hugging the sheets tights. The window slightly open, was letting the wind comfort the haunting dreams.

The dripping water brought Bette back to reality. Looking down she noticed her wet hand holding the glass. Shaking her head she sighed. Closing her eyes she drank the water hoping for it to calm her nerves. But as she was doing it she noticed two fat tears running down her cheeks. Opening her eyes again she noticed the moon resting her image over the crystal pool. Without much thinking about it, barefoot and still lightly shaking she walked outside. Sitting down with her feet in the pool she closed her eyes again. She wanted to know why she had the dream, what did it meant and if it really meant anything.

It was a rhetorical thought as she knew why she had it. It was easy to know, it didnt need a detective, Freud or a genius to know why she had it. Looking down at her feet moving under the water she could see it all over again.

It all started as a nice gesture, something she was trying to accomplish. Making Tina feel like she was somebody who she didnt take it for granted.
She wanted to show Tina how much she meant for her, how much she needed her, how much her companionship, her love, her kindness, her laughter meant to her.
She wanted to show Tina that she could be there for her, that she was able not to control her. In her head it looked like a good plan.

She stopped at her place to give her a gift for the baby. It was silly, just an old kids book she found in an antique shop. She knew the moment she saw it how much Tinad appreciated. She drove all the way to her place imaging her reaction; the joy drew on her beautiful face. Thinking about it Bette realized how much she wanted to see Tina, how much she missed her smile, her kindness.

They were seeing each other more often lately, almost every other day, they have been talking on the phone too but Bette could feel it was not the same. She could feel it on Tinas voice, in the way she talked with her, in the way she answered her questions, in the way she listened to her. There was something lacking, something Bette realized that she took for granted for a long time, something she got used to. It was Tinas input, her attention. She could feel that as much as Tina was obviously there for her, it was because it was in her nature, not in her heart.

Bette could feel that she was no longer her priority and that realization was breaking her heart. Not just because she missed it, her total uncalled, endless attention and love but because she realized that for her, as much as she screwed everything up, Tina was her priority. She wanted to make her happy, to make her smile, to share late night talks and early lazy mornings with her, to laugh with her to comfort her when crying, to look her sleep, to hear the sound of her voice. The tone she used with her, she wanted to listen to their old secret code words, their old silly private jokes, their shared moans, her easy silences. But that was no possible. Not any more.

Nodding, watching the pristine water moving with her feet, she felt it, it was hard for her to accept it, she was just starting to understand that her wishes were no longer in her hands. As much as she wanted to do all that for Tina, she knew she had to work hard for it. And thats were she was. Working hard, trying new things, new tactics, accepting her new life, she was waking up everyday thinking about Tina and every night her last thought was for her too.

So she went to Tinas place with the book beautifully wrapped resting on her lap. She walked to the door feeling nervous, like on her way to a first day. It was like that now, every time she was visiting Tina, every time she was seeing her outside the group providence encounters, she was nervous.

Sighing, she knocked on the door. It took Tina a while to open it. There she was. In all her glory. Barefoot, with the wet hair dripping on the wooden floor. Surprised, Tina smiled at Bette. For a second it looked like she was not going to invite her in but after a few long seconds she did.

Bette walked inside marvelling but the look of Tinas place. It had everything her house was lacking of. Everywhere she looked she could feel Tinas touch. It was warm, it was homey, it felt saved. Shaking her head not wanting to think about it Bette praised Tinas look. Blushing, with the cutest pink covering her face Tina shook her head mumbling something about her huge belly and her tired feet. She offered Bette a coffee but Bette denied it saying that she was on her way to work and just wanted to see how she was doing and to give her something.
Smiling, still surprised by Bettes visit, Tina nodded leading Bette to the couch. Turning around she walked to her bedroom saying something about getting a towel. It was going to be just a minute she said, leaving Bette alone.

Sitting on the couch Bette looked around. For the first time in a long time she felt relaxed. The sun coming from the opened window was caressing her back as the early breeze was playing with her hair. Leaning back she closed her eyes only to open them again. She felt something on her back, something bothering her. Moving a little she took the cushion to move it a little and was then when she found it. It was a beautiful black lacy bra. Seeing it, Bette felt as if her blood was turning ice, as if her fingers were on fire. It was too sophisticated, and more important, too small to be Tinas. Blushing, Bette felt dizzy. Hearing Tina in the bedroom she moved the cushion back to its place just in time for Tina to appear.

Standing up Bette sighed deep. Forcing a smile on her face she walked the small space that was keeping her apart from Tina. Feeling the book burning her hand she handed it to Tina, telling her that she thought shed like it. Before Tina could say anything, feeling her lungs closing, anger and desperation ripping her insides, Bette walked to the front door leaving an astonished Tina holding the gift.

The day went by in a blur. Bette couldnt tell what she did, who she talked with or what she ate. She knew that Tina called her twice to thank her but she was not ready to talk with her. Not yet. She wanted to calm down first.

Finding the bra only proved what she suspected, her worst fears. That Tina was sleeping with Helena. It wasnt just that she could not stand Helena, that didnt help, but what bothered Bette the most was that Tina was sleeping with somebody else.

Bette went home thinking about it, she took a long bath thinking about, she went to bed thinking about it. She knew she had no right to be angry. She was the one who cheated on Tina, she was the first one to sleep with somebody else. But this was different. Now, thinking back, she knew, she realized that even then, while sleeping with Candance, she knew that it was just that. It was nothing, it was like a drug helping her to vanish, to die slowly and painfully. Only to be born again. She was escaping from something, from somebody, herself she realized now, but then she thought she was escaping from Tina, from her pain, from her despair.

But this was different. Tina was sleeping with somebody else and it wasnt lust. Or maybe it was. Just thinking, imagining it was breaking Bettes body apart. Tina was not the kind who sleeps around. If she was sleeping with Helena was because of something else. Nodding, feeling hot tears running down her face, Bette realized that the ?if? was no longer needed. Tina was sleeping with Helena, it was fact. It was real.

Thinking about the two of them together. Imagining Tinas beautiful soft pale skin being touch, caress by somebody else was making Bette dizzy.
Feeling sick she stood up just in time to run to the end of the garden. Emptying her sorrows, she let out all her sadness. So lost she was feeling, so sick and lonely that she didnt hear Shane walking around the pool.

“You ok now?” Shane asked in her deep dry voice letting her well hide kindness play with her tone, just in time to comfort her friend.

Surprised by Shanes voice Bette turned around. Embarrassed she cleaned her face trying not to look at her friend. As if moved by a major force she followed Shane to the stone stairs. Sitting down, Shane looked at the pool, waiting for Bette to talk. When she didnt, feeling, listening Bette?s quiet cry, Shane said.

“Is all the way up now…she just needs to know you are still there…she needs to know she can be love, lust by somebody else, she needs to know that you are able to forgive… to forget…”

“Of course I can…I dont mind…” Noticing Shanes eyebrow touching the sky, Bette added “…I hate that she is sleeping with her but I can forgive…and forget…all I want is her to be back, to love her, to…”

“Is not Tina you have to forgive…to forget… Shane interrupted,…is yourself…”