Tina opened her eyes and let out a cry of utter frustration. The dream had seemed so real to her. It was like Bette had been there, and been with her in all senses of the word. Instead, all that remained was an even greater need and a sense of emptiness.

Another ring of the doorbell, and Tina rushed, as well as she was able, over to the door.

“UPS.” The woman held out a portable computer and indicated to Tina where she should sign. She motioned towards a large box. “I could wheel it in for you.”

“That’d be really nice,” Tina admitted. She wasn’t looking forward to wrangling the box through the house.

The woman hoisted the box with the dolly. “Where to?”

Tina motioned, leading the way to the bedroom. “In here, I guess.”

Thanking the woman, Tina led her back towards the door. En route, she was surprised to find someone standing in her living room.

“Alice.”

“Hey!” Alice gingerly gave Tina a hug. “You shouldn’t leave your door open. Just anyone can wander in.”

“Obviously,” said Tina, raising an eyebrow. But she was unable to keep a straight face, and started to laugh, joined by her friend.

With the UPS woman gone, Tina made sure she bolted the door shut. “Just in case,” she told Alice.

“So, did we get something exciting?”

Tina went into the kitchen and started digging in the cabinets. “I’m not sure exciting is the word.” She re-entered the living room and handed Alice a screwdriver. “But it is something with some assembly required.”

In the bedroom, Tina motioned towards the box. “Viola!”

“And that’s?”

Wielding a boxcutter in a way that was making Alice nervous, “This is a crib.” Tina started taking some bags with smaller pieces from the box and placed them on her dresser.

“That seems like a lot of work. Don’t they usually come in bigger pieces? Can’t someone do this for you? What about Bette.”

Tina stopped for a moment, putting her hands on her hips. “Why do I need someone to do this for me?” Then she realized that the words came out too harshly.

“I’m sorry I snapped, Alice.” Tina rubbed at her forehead. “I haven’t been feeling my best lately.”

“Yeah, which is another reason” Alice tried to consider what really the proper thing to say was. Phrases such as ‘if you let Bette do this, maybe you’d both recall that you want to be together,’ just didn’t seem to be correct. Not to a woman who wielded a boxcutter with the skill of Tina.

Rather than fight this battle head-on, Alice decided to go for a flanking maneuver. “Why’s it going in here?”

“Alice, this is the bedroom.”

“Your bedroom, Tina. Doesn’t my niece get one of her own?”

“It’s a one-bedroom apartment. Additional rooms don’t just magically appear.”

Presented like that, reality did make sense to Alice. “But, won’t this keep you from sleeping? What if she cries?”

“If she cries, I’ll be right here.” Tina gave a shrug. “Saves on a baby monitor, anyway.”

Alice clamped her lips shut. If she said what she really wanted to say, Tina wouldn’t want to listen, anyway. Instead, she opted for practical. “Ok, what do I do?”

With a flourish, Tina fanned the instructions before Alice. “Looks simple.”

Scanning the instructions, Alice tried reading them about three different ways until she could figure out which way was rightside-up. “I don’t think I’m a home depot kind of *****,” she muttered.

Then, realizing it was either she or Tina doing this work, Alice knew it was time to step up and earn the tool belt. “Ok, I can do this. Do you have something to drink?”

“Sparkling water? Juice? Water?”

“Sparkling water,” Alice decided. She watched Tina walk from the room. “Yeah, this is going to be fun,” she lied.

In the kitchen, Tina took hold of the bottle. She looked at it, remembering how she held onto it while looking at Bette, while realizing that Bette looked so wonderful.

Yesterday. Was that a total mistake? The two of them still worked so well together, physically. It was so easy to return to that level of relationship with Bette.

Tina sighed at the thought of their time the day before. It started with a hug. That hug, the sense of warmth that came with it, gave Tina the confidence to go further.

So, they connected. Again. Once. Where did that put them?

The physical aspects with Bette were easy, they always had been. It was the life outside of bed that was hard. The trust shattered by Bette’s affair.

Snatching a glass from the cabinet, Tina got back to the task at hand. What use would it do to think any further of Bette. Those thoughts had already sent her into a hormone-driven dream once today.

Returning to the bedroom, Tina realized that although Alice was physically present, that didn’t really make her the best candidate for the task at hand.

“Al, here you go.” Trading the water for the instructions, Tina began her own scan, and started to match up the parts with the pictures.

After a few sips, Alice figured out that she’s been replaced. “I thought that was my job.”

The response from Tina is a look that tells Alice that her level of mechanical ability has been appropriately gauged.

“Do you know what you’re doing, T?”

Tina smiled at that.

“What?”

“Nothing, Al.” How could Tina really explain that this was the question that she’d been asking herself all day. Whether it had to do with Bette, or with Helena, this did seem to be the big open issue of her life.

The one issue that wasn’t open, wasn’t up for debate, was the baby. With that, Tina felt relatively secure that, thus far, she had made the right choice. Not just in choosing to have the baby, but in choosing to invite Bette into the baby’s life.

“Maybe Shane can do this for you,” Alice offered, trying to save her friend from whatever level of activity this task required.

“It’ll be fine, Alice. I can do this.”

Alice pouted. “I can still help, right?”

“With this? Of course.”

“And with other things?”

Again, this merited Alice a look. But this time she wasn’t quite as quick to back off. “Ok, I know it’s not what you want to hear, but a couple months ago, before you moved in here, it almost seemed like you and Bette” Alice was gesturing, as if punctuating the words with actions would make more sense of them. “You even said as much.”

“I said I wasn’t ruling out the possibility, Alice, but it’s not that easy.”

Nothing with Bette ever seemed easy. Not lately. Maybe not ever. Perhaps before, it just seemed like the extra work was always worth it. Now, now Tina wasn’t so sure that even if she opened herself up again for anything besides the narrow relationship regarding the baby that things could really work between them. Other than the physical, of course.

“Yeah, but”

“Alice, I love you to pieces, but please, I can’t discuss this.”

Again, Alice could really not counter her friend’s wishes. “I know.”

Tina knew that Alice meant well, but she also knew that Alice didn’t know what really happened between her and Bette. How could she? How could anyone, outside of a relationship really know?

Thinking back to the time that Alice mentioned, when Tina moved back to the house, she really was feeling like maybe there was a chance. Until that dinner. Bette knew that she wanted them to talk. Tina had tried to ensure a sense of calmness with the candles, and by ‘accidentally’ fixing too much food. Instead of calmness, Tina received a litany of Bette’s terrible-awful-horrible day, and how cruel the world had been.

With Bette already in that mood, the last thing Tina wanted to do was mention the baby. Who could tell what kind of dust-up that would cause once Bette was already transformed into Bettezilla.

After that came the grant, Helena, and all that this had started.

Helena. Bette. Why did it always seem to come down to this choice?

Bette. Tina went back to just thoughts of the hug. The comfort. After the baby’s born, Bette would be there for hugs, for cuddling. What of Helena? She thus far had not been the cuddling type. *****, of course. But not closeness just for comfort, for strength.

But Tina felt she knew Helena. Whatever Helena’s relationships were with the outside world, Tina knew that her spot was relatively safe, and secure.

Bette had once given her that security, and then yanked it all away.

Without that base, she knew that she and Bette could never again be a couple. But how does one regain such an essential element?

“I talked to Bette this morning. About yesterday.”

The words caused Tina to inhale sharply. Was that was all of this was about? Had Bette actually told Alice of the two of them?

“I know she still cares for you,” Alice continued. “She was so excited. I asked her why.”

And? Tina thought. She wondered how much she could say now, and not give herself away.

“She said she felt the baby move.”

“Yeah,” Tina gave a coy smile. “She did.”

And I felt the Earth move, Tina thought. And still she didn’t know that this was enough.

(the end)