If she doesnt make it, Ill have to make arrangements. We never talked about this before. I dont even know what kind of music she wants played. What kind of flowers should I get? Should I pick out one of her suits? Or should I buy a new outfit? Who will say the eulogy? Maybe I should do itI knew heruh, know her better than anyone. What will I say? Do I talk about her career? Its an important part of her life. Or should I talk about the family we were supposed to have? I cant do thatitll only remind me about everything else Im losing if she doesnt make it. Ive never done this before; I dont know how to handle it. God, Baby I wish you were her to help me. But then I guess I wouldnt need to make arrangements, huh? A grim laugh escapes through my veil of dried tears.

I cant think about that; I have to stay positive. What will I do if she DOES make it? Can I really forgive her for what she did? Can I move past the lies and the deception? I love her sooo much, I can move beyond thisas long as shes okay. Well have to look at what kind of therapy she might needand if theres anything I need to change at the house. I might have to get a paying job instead of just the volunteering. Will she still be able to work? Shell have to cut back of course, at least for a while. Im sure the CAC wont just let her go because of thisshes been too valuable to their success. Wait a minute. What if she wakes up and theres nothing wrong with her? Will I still feel the same way? I dont knowI cant knownot until I face that situation. I have to just take this one day at a timeand treasure each moment as it comes. I need to go someplace elseI cant stand to listen anymore. The monotonous tone is piercing every fiber in my bodymy skin is crawling because of itmy brain is beginning to shut down from the pain and anguish the beep is causing.