“Look, Al you weren’t there…”

“Yeah I know. Believe me I’m still kicking myself for coming home to relax when the usual ***** drama included my very own friend and the ‘straight girl’ next door. It sucks, please don’t remind me.”

“Yes. Yes to all of that, Al. You didn’t see the way he behaved. It was ridiculous. He threw things, he yelled, he even pouted for God’s sakes. How am I supposed to talk to someone that pouts.”

“Look Bette. I understand that this was some sort of pissing contest you had with Eric…”

“What that’s cr…..”

She held her hand up to stop me before she took a breathe to continue. “Whether you two realized it or not. You both were vying for Tina’s affections.” After that sentence I give her a bemused look.

“Vying for her affection Al? Have you been reading those Victorian romance novels, again?”

“***** you, Porter.”

“I think I’ll play your ‘been there, done that’ card, sweets.”

“Anyway let’s get back on track please. Now the ‘Grace thing’ is bad. That much we agree on. But Eric is your brother. And as much of an ***** that’s he’s being, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s your blood. And you both were too close to let some woman come between that.”

“She’s not some woman Al. She’s the woman I love.”

“I know, but how’s that timeless saying go ‘bros before hos’?”

“Ah the timeless poetry of gangsta rap.” Tina jumps in before I had a chance to jump on Alice. What kind of ***** is that calling a Tina a ho. To my face.

“I believe that was the Dr. Dre era of the mid nineties, right Alice?”

“See she gets me. I love you Tina can I just say. This one here no sense of humor.”

“I know, boy do I know. She’s so serious.” She says while she winks at me. I can’t believe this. My girlfriend and my best friend ganging up on me. Me?! I could do nothing while they traded stories about how unfunny and stiff I am. No backup, no comebacks, what the ***** is happening to me?

“Seriously babe, you should talk to your brother.”

“Talk to me about what?” Eric came into the kitchen and reached for the last banana in front of me. I flinched and took a step back.