“I don’t know baby. I don’t know. That’s all the more reason to find her number and call her. Maybe she’s got her head together out there and she’s ready to at least talk.” I really am trying to pull myself together here. To hear Alice out. She could have been scared, but it doesn’t change the fact that both of us were scared and yet she decided her fear was enough to leave me in the dust. I deserve some answers.

“I wouldn’t even know how to find her Al.”

“Why don’t you leave that to me. Grace has been in touch with her. She could fill you in.” Alice says with some sort of triumphant smile. Maybe she congratulating herself because she think she’s the one that finally got through to me.

“Just so we’re clear, I want answers from her, Al. I don’t want her to come back to me. She made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want to be with me.” I tell her drying my eyes and putting on my best resolve face.

“Whatever you say, sweetie.” with that she jumped off of my bed and into her room. Maybe to call Grace and get her number.

By the time I made into the kitchen I saw a blur that I gathered was Alice run past me and out the front door to Grace’s place. Then again, news like this is too good to discuss on the phone.

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“No TK, nothing yet. I mean she’s mostly sad but she’s hanging in there. Why don’t you ask her yourself?” God, Grace has been on the phone with me a total of three minutes and she brings up Bette. I guess I should feel lucky it’s usually her first question.

“Because Gracie I’m not ready to talk to her. I can’t handle that voice right now. Especially if it’s all heartbroken. I couldn’t bear hearing her voice like that knowing I did that to her.”

“TK, you know you sound the same way. So why can’t you talk to her? Maybe she could talk you back home.”

“I am home Grace.” I tell her a little colder than I mean to.

“That’s not home Tina and you know it. Being trapped in the same state with those people you call family is not home. I am your family. Shane, Alice, Dana, and Eric are your family. And Bette is your world Tina. You have to come home.”

“I can’t. Gracie…..” I start to cry again, which means that Grace is crying. Our Saturday morning conversations always end like this. Me denying that ache I feel anytime I call that 323 area code. And knowing that the one person that loved me despite all my bullshit is broken into pieces because of me.

“I can’t go back knowing that she’s broken and I can’t fix this. I can’t fix this Gracie…I can’t it’s too late.”

“It’s not TK, please just come home. All your stuff is still here. I didn’t move a thing.”

“I got to go Grace. I got more important stuff to deal with out here.” I tell her. I didn’t mean to tell her that last bit of information. I just wanted to get off of the phone and deal with the things right in front of me. Without anything or anyone in LA worrying about me.

“What stuff TK?” Grace says. Suddenly all traces that she’s been crying are gone and she’s all ears. Now I have to tell her, she won’t have it any other way.

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A FEW WEEKS LATER

“Tina, I’ve thought about this and cried about this. And well here goes….”

“No, Tina baby please come home. Let’s forget that you left without any word, or regard for me. Really I’m fine. Let’s just pretend that all those months never happened.”

No, no, no. nothing is coming out right. For a few minutes, I’ve been pacing back and forth debating on whether I should do what I have only been dreaming about. I know that Tina didn’t want to contact me. And Grace let me know that she doesn’t want me to call her. But this is ridiculous. I can’t live like this anymore. So, practice.

“Tina, I love you. And no matter what happened then and what happens in the future. I need you and I can’t live without you. Please I just need you to hold me and tell me…….”

“Bette what are you doing here?”

TBC>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>